have many questions - Al-Anon Family Group

tkyater2003 · Member

have many questions

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Terri,
I was with my alcoholic/addict husband for almost 13 years.

The only way I was able to live with it and be somewhat sane was through going to meetings. I took the focus off of him and put it back on me. I started gaining tools and learning how to use them.

When I got tired of being sick and tired. I really started working the program because for me that is where the healing began. I was before just a part of the program, but today I am living it. I got a sponsor and I am going through the steps.

Accepting that he had a disease and was a sick sick man helped me let go of so much anger and resentment that I had. Working the steps (especially 5 and 7) really helped me let the last bit of anger and resentment go.

Keep coming back.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

You go on because u have to , it is possible to get happy living with a drinker , we have a part in this mess too and once u figure out what it is you cn make changes .. you are the only person u have any control over . get your life back on track get happy regardless of what he is doing .
I had two sons and I knew I couldnt support them the way we had been living so I chose to stay , working this program things changed for me and my kids , we never had to worry about violence so it was a little easier for me .
My husb was a proffessional had his own business so he drank at home most of the time was able to keep it a secret for along time until he got sick ..
Alcohol really was not a problem for yrs , but this is progressive and it only gets worse , so we had 5 really bad yrs , before i got help in Al-Anon two yrs after joining my husb got sober , that was 20 yrs ago . life can get better .
it only takes one person to change to create change , so if your not already please find meetings for yourself f2f u need support .

Rocky38 · Senior Member

In my meeting opening, there's a line that is read which something like, "find serenity whether the alcoholic is drinking or not". That blew my mind. I couldn't imagine it. But boy did I hang onto that idea for dear life. That's what I wanted. To be ok, whether my AH was gonna be or not.

I've been in program for over two years. It did get easier, even though alcohol destroyed my AH, I did get better. Not "fixed", but better able to deal with life and not be such a mess every day.

Hugs, Rocky

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with the other shares here. The way to combat this disease is to learn to focus on YOU and not what he is or is not doing. I had to face my unresolved emotional issues, took a lot of forgiveness work, set boundaries and follow through for me, to allow me to feel better and I gained self esteem and self resepct in the process. We cant connect the dots for them or have realisations for them, we have to do that for us by getting busy focusing on us and our true needs. I had that very confused with my wants and fantasies (that I did actually have to grieve, to let go of).

You have to focus on YOU and not the disease. Focus on what you can do to allow you to feel better and detach from his disease and give him the dignity and space to figure it out on his own. If he doesnt, you still will have to learn to take care of YOU. Enjoy your life! There is much more to it then focusing on other people - as I am still discovering.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

I too am married to an A. We have been married 32 years. He too mostly drank at home, so most people didn't know his drinking was so bad until he was totally out of control. I started with alanon after my AH started "slipping" after his third rehab. I decided that I HAVE to have some sanity in my life. It was one of my New Year's resolutions. My AH has now gone through his fourth rehab and doing well. I think in part because I didn't enable
him in any way, shape, or form when went he went on his last bender. It really scared him when he was told by a doctor that he was well on his way to killing himself. I did nothing to try and stop it (as if I could have! hmm

). In fact, I went on a weeks vacation. (It had been planned for 6 months in advance) It was the WORST vacation of my life (my Mom was also dying at the same time) but I am SO glad that I was not at my home. It then was HIS responsibilty to call his sponsor for help, to get to detox, to get back to rehab. He got to pack his bag, call short term disability, talk to his employers, talk to his Mother. It was quite an eye opener for him. The only reason that we are still together is because of the rehab. I will give him another chance. This probably isn't right, but it has to be for me. I am binged, slipped, off the wagon, rehabed OUT. He has a choice to drink of not. It is his life. But, this is also my life, and I too, have a choice and I will NOT live the way I had been living any longer. The stress of it is ruining my health and after my Mother passed, I have decided that there are things that I want/need to do and I am going to do them. With or without him. Don't know if this answered your questions or not, but I feel better... smile

Take what you like and leave the rest. Peace.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Tattyhead · Senior Member

(((tkyater)))), I have been married to my AH for 38 years. Always a heavy drinker, he has been totally dependant on alcohol for last 5-6 years. He is now very ill and his last scan showed an enlarged liver with cirrhotic changes (thats the damage alcohol does to the liver). How have I coped/still cope?

Unfortunately, where I live (in UK) there are no alanon groups local to me but this board, chat room and a couple of on-line meetings (the different time zone makes accessing them difficult) have all been a revelation to me. I have learned the 3 Cs, learned to focus on me and that the shame of his condition is his shame, not mine.

There are many reasons why I am still with him - 38 years is a long time and I did love him so much once. Finance is a big part of it - he is not earning and I do have a reasonably paid job so I would have to support him and we simply cannot afford to run two homes. It's not just me I have to consider - I have a son who is 29 going on 12 due to a learning disability.

So, rightly or wrongly I am still with AH and now his health is deteriorating rapidly I cannot find it in my heart to walk out on him.

I have coped with this less than perfect situation by focusing on me without feeling guilty. I have slept in a different room for the last 3 years which has been the single most important thing to me in preservig my own identity - my space - how I like it and which he knows better than to invade.

I am fortunate in having wonderful friends with whom I can go out, have a gossip and a giggle and forget my woes for a while. My job is another life-saver and my colleagues who all know now about my situation are really very supportive.

When things have got very bad at home I have come here and vented and my fantastic MIP family has bouyed me up, made me smile and surrounded me with love and hugs - and on my way I go again with a spring in my step. They really are amazing.

So lots of ((((hugs)))) and wishing you the strength to do whatever you decide is right for you and your family.

Love, Tish xxxxx

-- Edited by Tattyhead on Thursday 20th of May 2010 11:50:42 AM

tkyater2003 · Member

thnk u all so very much hope to catch u and chat sometime if u dont mind thnx u all agin

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