Can't do anything right. - Al-Anon Family Group

FuzzyLogic · Member

Can't do anything right.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha FL...I feel sad with you and compassionate for you. You're doing major fixing when
you need fixing yourself. I remember those times myself and it was all crazy and crazier
still when the professionals got involved and messed it up more. Powerless and doubly
powerless.   Gotta turn it over and ask HP "where do you want me to be?" and then listen
for the responses from every instrument HP has around you.

Alcoholism is a fatal disease if the alcoholic doesn't arrest their addiction with total
abstinence. Try to keep the fatal part away from you.   You can stop completely and
arrest your own part in the disease and do the hard part..."Trust God".   I'm having
the both of you in my prayers. Practice self care.   Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Please don't beat yourself up. You recognize that you need to change some of your ways. I went way overboard in "helping" my alcoholic, too. It's tough learning how to butt out of their business. With practice it gets easier. ODAT

FuzzyLogic · Member

Thanks for the kind response. I think it hit me yesterday that I am wayyyyy screwed up in the head! I do a lot of playing both sides/ devil's advocate type stuff. If he had any other disease I would be whipping out my nutrition and herbal healing books, researching online and putting a plan into action. So why does it make me wrong to do the same for him in THIS case?

My honest goal in the entire supplement and vitamin thing was to
A. Try to prevent DT's and not get stuck having to revive him, deal with a seizure or another stroke or worse.
B try and put some weight on him in preparation for the surgery. (He is 6'1 and 140 lbs).
C. Detox his liver and organs to make him stronger for the surgery.
D. Boost his immune system.

It was purely selfish on my part. I told him I wanted him to detox at a clinic. He refused and said he can quit whenever he chooses he is not an alcoholic he is a drunk and they are different????? (yes, I know better)

I told him he can stop taking the vitamins and herbal pills. His choice. I told him that his own will to not drink is the only thing stopping him from drinking. He rants about how I am trying to steal his credit. I also told him that not only can I NOT make you NOT drink, I can NOT make you start drinking again. It is ALL on you and on you alone.

I honestly thought that this would be the bottom. The wake up call. The strokes turn out not to be caused by his drinking but by a very rare type of tumor growing on a valve inside his heart. So that justifies his drinking. The doctors are all wrong, his drinking is not killing him it is this tumor. On and on, excuse after excuse. The doctor has been lecturing him for over a year now on his alcohol 'usage' (since I am not allowed to call it abuse or alcoholism) LOL

I went to my third in person meeting tonight. I bought the books. Tonight's meeting was about how working the steps with a sponsor is so important. When we come home from his surgery my goal is to dive in to the meetings and find a sponsor.

We had a long talk tonight. I told him that when we get through this we will be going to counseling. That if he is not willing to do that for us then I will have some hard choices to make. I let him know that this is NOT the life I want for myself, my child or him. I let him know I am working on me but he has to meet me in the middle and work on himself.

I prayed a lot before I moved in with him back in September of this year. We have been on again off again for 11 years with a 4 year break after the first break up. and a 1 year break after the last break up.

I truly felt this is where I was supposed to be. Now I have to wonder if it is only to prolong his life for a while. Had I not started questioning symptoms and figured out he was having mini strokes and marched him to the doctors, they would not have searched for the cause and found this tumor that is normally found at autopsy. Maybe that was my reason/ purpose for coming back into his life?

I just know that I don't want him to die. I also don't want to live my life this way either. The love totally contradicts the rational mind. All I can do is work on me and meditate, pray and stand my ground.

aprilleaves · Newbie

FuzzyLogic,

Man this sounds like my ex. I could never do anything right either. He drank 30 beers every day and he called me very bad names, took my money and blamed me for everything. He said everything was my fault. He took my money to drink on and left me poor, sometimes I had no food to eat. I would cry I would get so hungry. He knew I had a drinking problem, so he made sure that the only thing in the house to drink was beer. I could not buy anything because he took my money. He smelled, the house smelt worse than dog poop. The bed room, oh god it was bad man, the smell made me want to throw up. He never brushed his teeth often, which did not help. Dog pee, dirty clothes, you name it. The smell was nasty. If i tried to sleep on the couch to get away from some of the smell, he would yell at me, with my eyes closed. If I did not respond, then I was called bad names. Like I could talk in my sleep. He came right out and told me you are always to blame, you are always wrong. He said to me I know sometimes you go without food, then he laughed about it, thought it was funny. He took my SSI check to drink on.

I know the feeling because everything I did was wrong. If I didn't look at his fish in the fish tank 20 times, or more, then I was so bad, and he said he would not talk to me again. He would slam doors, and stomp around. He would take my computer away and pull the plug on me, even take my phone. He always accused me of cheating to. He was the type to say look at my fish, so I did, then he say look at my fish, so I did..Then he would keep making me look, so I get mad and say not again. This lead to rage and he would snap and lose it on me. I think what a freak. He was always saying look at this, look at this, and when I am online that gets on my nerves bad. I told him to shut up, and he says leave the room, this is when he would lock it and I could not get back in to play on my PC and he stay in the room all day. This would be like me saying look at my post, then after you look I say. Look at my post, so you look. I say again look at my post, mean while you are trying to do something. Now lets say you tell me, not not this time I looked enough already. I then call you a bunch of bad names, stomp around, yell, slam and lock the door on you. All day you must sit out, until I decide to come out. That is what it was like living with him.

I was in back pain to, so bad I was crawling on the floor screaming and he would not take me to a doctor. I had no money to go to a doctor, because he would use it for drinking. I was in pain like this for a few months. Every movement caused me pain, so bad I would scream, this went on for a few months, until my step dad came and got me. I had a bladder infection to and could not hold it, so I would pee..I could not make it to the bathroom, then the pain I was in I had a hard time sitting down on the toilet. He had the nerve to tell me I was faking it for attention. That made me really mad. I was crawling on the floor, in back pain, that didn't tell him anything. I could hardly stand up but to him that was my fault, because when I could stand up I was hunched over, so if I walked staighter he said, then I would not be in pain. Um, hello I could not help that. He said it was all in my head.
A few months after I left him, my back got better and I didn't have treatment. I believe it was stress, from living that way. I can walk now by the way. I had to get the bladder infection taken care of, it was bad from not being treated in so long, which is how he was was going to leave me. He didn't care, only for himself. I hate him, sorry but I don't care what happens to him. I don't think it, was human.

I got out, staying out and no one will ever treat me that way again. I know the feeling, that is why I left and never looked back.

-- Edited by aprilleaves on Wednesday 19th of May 2010 08:29:25 AM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

If he is in a hospital and they are aware of his alcohol usage they will work on his DT's. As far as I know anesthesia tends to bring up that stuff more. Certainly somewhere like the Mayo Clinic would have access to experts and have knowledge of what to give and when.

I don't know that one can necessarily get an MD on line or an RN for that matter. Certainly you can get an idea but that doesn't really take into account anesthesia.

Wouldn't the doctors at the Mayo Clinic have access to whoever referred him t here?

I can definitely relate to the over involvement. The ex A had many illnesses some of them brought on by his addictions. He used drugs while he was in treatment.

Most of the time any patient going in for heart surgery would get a full work up and a referral note with a history from a referring doctor. At some point I had to let go of the ex A's illnesses made worse by his addiction. I found myself too exhausted, too frustrated and too much in fear.

Maresie.

Maresie.

FuzzyLogic · Member

He is Mr Sarcasm, Mr Jokester. He told his doctors how much he drinks but he laughs as he says it and I have been sitting there when the person documenting it does not take him seriously. I speak up and say he is NOT kidding around. Yes, he drinks 12-24 beers A DAY, EVERY DAY.

He went to his primary doctor alone a few years ago. He needed hernia surgery. He was perplexed by the months of testing they did before doing a simple out patient surgery. I tried then to explain his health was poor. They have to make sure he can handle being put under. He REFUSED To understand.

His primary told him his homocystine levels were way out of whack. At the time I did not understand what that meant. He was given a lecture on drinking and ordered to take baby aspirin and a B complex, daily.

I later researched it and understood that it meant his drinking has shut down his ability to uptake ANY nutrition. He had a vitamin B deficiency and it will eventually lead to total body shut down. Death.

He feels fine. He feels great. He brags about how long he was on the treadmill and how they were amazed at how long it took to get his heart to start really working hard. That in his mind meant his drinking is fine. His liver tests were normal....WOO HOOO!!! I don't have to stop doing what I love, drinking!

His hernia surgery took him more than 3 months to recover from. He to this day refuses to accept that this was not normally the case in a HEALTHY person. He refuses to accept that his drinking compromises his immune system and his ability to heal.

We broke up shortly after that surgery and I left town. A year went by and he said all the right things, made all the right promises I have waited 12 years to hear. I moved back. We bought a house. We are working a life plan.

Prior to me coming back we spent several months talking just as friends. He told me about his dates, his work, his daughters. I was resolved that we were never going to be more than friends. He told me about having a bad headache that lasted a week and his RIGHT arm going all weak and tingly on him. I suspected a neck problem. He went to his doctor and only told him about the headache.( I did not know he did not give ALL The symptoms) Doctor treated the headache. It went away and all was fine.

He had a few more 'episodes' in the weeks following but did not tell me all the symptoms...mostly neck pain, arm numbness, headache. I again assumed his neck was out.

Then I moved in with him. He is a creature of habit. This is how he keeps his job. Everything done the same way all the time. High Functioning Alcoholic. In November he is at work and tells me his arm went numb again and he did not feel well. I still have not heard all the symptoms. He then tells me that Frank is going to drive them back to corporate.

RED FLAG!!! He ALWAYS drives. So this time I ask him for EVERY symptom. That is when I learn of the confusion, slurred speech, arm not just numb but unable to move it at all. He mentions that corner of his mouth was numb and tingly...all on the right side. I was horrified!

Jack, you are either having strokes or TIA's! Mini strokes. You are being warned by your body that a MAJOR stroke is on its way. We fought. I dragged his sorry butt out of bed sat him in front of WEB MD and told him to punch in EVERY symptom whether he thought they were related or not......STROKE and TIA were the top two listed possibilities.

Off to the doctor he went. Doctor and I both assume it is the drinking that is causing them. After months of doctors, tests, specialists they discover a papillary fibroelastoma growing on a valve in his heart. It is RARE to find in a living person. 35 cases TOTAL in the US are found in LIVING people. Normally they are not found until you die of a massive, fatal stroke.

I have made it clear to EVERY one of his doctors of just how much he drinks. We went back to see the local cardiologist three weeks ago. The sole purpose was to find out what this thing is, what to expect at surgery and to get his butt chewed to stop drinking NOW!

He drank heavier that weekend then he has in many months. I was furious. He stopped drinking that monday. He still does not get that the years of drinking have made this surgery extremely risky. Three weeks of sobriety is a great start and does help his chances of surviving it.

I know that no matter what supplements I am giving him. What food I feed him. That there is a very real possibility that the damage is already done. Alcoholics have 4 times greater risks of infection during surgery. Why? Because they have destroyed their immune system. Whether tests show his drinking has compromised just about every organ in his body or not, does not matter.

The anesthesia and surgery will be the tell. The time it takes to heal, will tell the truth. He is not going to like it but I know the Mayo clinic is going to tell him he HAS to stop FOREVER now.

I love his daughters like they are my own. They are terrified. His sister is terrified. His father is terrified. They have ALL confided in me their fears of what his drinking and this surgery could mean. They are all too damn scared to tell him. He will shut them out. So I tell him. I am not afraid of him.

I do what I do for his children, his family and out of love. If he starts drinking again after we get through this. I will not stick around. I can't. If he can not commit his life to me by working to stay alive. I am not going to commit my life to him just to watch him die.

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