The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I saw my AH on thursday at his mom's birthday party and we agreed he couls come over to my house the next day. Once again he started talking about us getting back together, and finally I gave in. I say I gave in cause in the past I told him there was no chance in hell I would get back together with him until he is sober. This time I told him that he was not to come over even if he had 1 beer and that he was not to drink when he was with us, and that obviuosly he has to respect me and our daughter.
I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I feel good cause I'm changing, and that fact that I'm different now, makes him want to be with me. But on the other hand I have this feeling that since I took him back even though he's not sober, means he's gonna be comfortable with his drinking, since I seem to be the only one telling him he has a problem. I know and understan he's not gonna quit drinking just cause I say so, but I felt that in the end, the fear of losing us would break him and know he has us, so who's gonna break him now?? And guys, I know the disease will break him, but my mind knows it, but my heart has fears of its own LOL
Am I doing the right thing taking him back? I felt soo good being with him, sober. And on the other hand, I don't want to go back to my needy self. I want to keep going, to keep changing, and that seems so much harder when I'm with him.
-- Edited by Priscilla83 on Tuesday 18th of May 2010 02:56:18 PM
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
Are you doing the right thing? Only you truly know the answer to that. Here's my take. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Drinking is just a symptom of the disease. If the drinking stops and that's all that happens then nothing really has changed. Is he an alcoholic? That answer doesn't really matter when it comes to you. What matters is that YOU are affected by his drinking. He can't fix how it affects you, but you can.
In reading your post I didn't see where you said you are moving back in with him, just that he can come over. So it sounds to me like you are still sticking to a boundary, but you just moved it a bit to suit you. This is fine if it works for you. I would also suggest that you read the reply that AGO wrote to the boundary thread. It was excellent ESH.
The neat thing is, you are always able to change your mind again if you see that this isn't working. You are doing the best you can with what you have and what you have is some amazing growth and a strong love for your husband.
Take your time, keep to what feels right for you, continue standing up for you and lean on your HP.
You're doing great :)
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
It's hard, isn't it? When we so want it to work, we so want them to want to be with us.
I did this same thing not too long ago -- reached out to my ex after I had set some boundaries and told him that I couldn't go on.
My therapist said, "Sometimes you just have to open the box again to see if the body is dead." I felt irritated at her for making the assumption that things were going to go wrong. Like, maybe if I myself changed, I could make the body not dead.
I think the most helpful thing I did was to have a plan for if things went wrong again. And the independent life I had started on helped me see that there were alternatives.
Aloha Pris...Just for me in the end we make our own decisions using the best we got at that time and hopefully that best includes the experience, strength and hope of all of our recovering family and a ton of trust and courage to try what they do rather than do what I do. A wise sponsor taught me to think of the consequences I wanted before making the decision to go there and to always stay in reality while doing that.
He was the one that taught me the metaphor that got me out of denial as to whether my spouse was really alcoholic and whether what I was suffering with was alcoholism.
"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...IT'S A DUCK!!" I dropped my expectations that anything would be different because she was an alcoholic/DUCK. I got to the point that if I heard her talk I believed I was listening to "quacking". That kept me out of denial and working for something that was sane in and for my life. Another thing you'll hear if you hang around here long enough and reading experiences is, "If nothing changes...nothing changes". For me that is simple irrefutable rocket science. I'm gonna get the same thing over again while I am expecting different results. The Al-Anon definition of insanity.
