"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Hopeless · Senior Member

Have to let go of this ANGER!

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Hopeless))))

It's all a process. I learned here that anger is one letter short of danger. but I also that anger is part of the process for healing to begin and displayed appropriately, it is very appropriate.

You don't have to go it alone. Get a sponsor to help you through this. Validation of what you went through is important while not remaining a victim of it.

Keep coming and sharing, you are doing amazing.

in recovery,
Maria

Hopeless · Senior Member

Thanks = )

I haven't been to a F2F yet I have to find the time = / I don't have anyone to watch my kids so this is my life line for now...

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I know I once posted a list here on MIP with everything I was angry about. As a matter of fact, I think some members may have posted in kind. I needed to do it, and it felt good. I also found having a good 'ol gut-wrenching, LOUD cry to be very therapeutic, however, that one is tricky in that the emotions have to line up the the alone time. My goal during my angry time was to stay out of jail

(only kinda joking) and I know the list helped.

I just now looked at my posts and I can't find it (seems they don't go back that far), but I must admit that I was intrigued by the titles of my posts (no time for reading) and can say that just by looking at those, my life has changed. Wow!

You need to do whatever makes you feel better, and if you want to post here, it is a safe place, and we get it. Jerry can tell you how to have a tantrum. The truth is that healing is a process and you will move on when you are ready.

Keep Coming Back,

Blessings,
Lou

Hopeless · Senior Member

I'm just feel embarassed for a lot of things he has done to me and things I allowed him to do...

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Oooohhhhh.... just keep reading and going to meetings, my friend. I bet we could get a pretty good contest going...

Seriously, I understand the shame, for I held, and still hold much. But, in my recovery, I have come to the realization and acceptance that his actions speak for him as mine do for me. The same is true for you.

Keep working it.

Blessings,
Lou

-- Edited by Loupiness on Monday 17th of May 2010 09:44:46 PM

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((((((((Hopeless))))))))))

First of all you are not hopeless, and i can so remember that feeling of shame when I first came in this room.

Share whatever you need, whatever helps you make progress...remember progress not perfection.....I am sure your story had been told once or twice.

We have all lived in hell.....since you can't get to f2f meetings, please come here to the meetings they litterally saved my sanity some 5 yrs ago now....

My husband did so much grimy stuff I would need a novel to post it.

One day at a time one second at a time....you are not alone......

With Hope,
Andrea

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hopeless,

I needed to release all the things I had kept hidden from everyone eventually. I chose a person who would listen to me without judging my harsh words that were one sided and who understood the process of letting it go. The last thing i needed in my life was another person who was appalled at my xAH and wanted to keep hashing over it. Having that experience helped me to understand my part in what happened and placing responsibility in each place it belonged and that in turn helped the letting go (well that is still in process

). I felt the need to purge all the ugly secrets to feel clean I guess.

Jen

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Deana,

I have come here and posted when he has really ticked me off in the past. Now I try and save that for my sponsor and when I am here or at a f2f I try and keep the focus on me and my recovery.

I can understand wanting to get it out. Having that person that you trust like your sponsor to listen to you and validate you is an amazingly healing thing. Also the outside perspective is a blessing. When I was sharing my 5th step with my sponsor her view of something that happened was healing for me and I was able to let go of a resentment that I had been holding for years.

Have you been to the meetings online here? When I first started going to meetings I brought my kids with me. Just a thought :)

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

How about journaling? If it makes you feel better to put it on paper, do so.
I might even suggest you write it, then wad it up, burn it, shred it, stomp on it..whatever feels good.

Then do your best to move forward.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Deana...you have soooo much support and still are new at this and if you are just a bit
like me when I first got into program I kinda sorta liked the idea of trusting but could
not bring myself to do it for fears that I'd be judged, scolded, critiqued, frowned upon
and tons of other stuff which kept me quiet for a long while. One thing that happened
along the way was that the secrets I had and kept which for me were shameful and
guilt laden were often not as such when I listened to the person next to me or across
the room tell their stories. Telling my story doesn't make me qualified to be here or
in the rooms...telling my story allows me to "dump" crap which I carried around with
me and weighted me down and slowed my recovery. I needed to be rid of it all and
I was rid of it when I learned trust, got past fear, went one on one with a sponsor and
just layed it in front of the group. I have never ever come close in experience to some
of the other members who have suffered more than I. I am humbled from the experiences
of the women of Al-Anon who were the only ones for me when I first got here and who
blew my mind with their secrets and stories and allowed me to find courage.

One tool available to you here at MIP is the Private message function where you can
communicate with a member you feel you can trust and ask them if they can listen.
Almost ever the listening will be done without judgement or any other discounting.

If it has boiled to the surface let it spill out. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

And as Christy has helpfully mentioned....Journaling is a great tool toward bringing it
out into the open.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 18th of May 2010 12:25:04 AM

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

I welcome you to get it out. If we don't have anyone to "vent" this stuff out to, it is like poison in our body and mind.

You can always say, I don't need any advice or to be fixed or you can ask for responses, support.

Maybe ya just need us to listen. Everyone needs to get stuff out!

It also may help you to explain the situation then share how it made YOU feel and how YOU can work on changing whatever.

Good question, I am sure you just helped others bringing it up.

Loves ya,debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

For me you have already said the magic word , you are angry for what u allowed that is a bigggggggggg one ... when all was said and done I was the one who I was most angry at , for what I allowed and never said enough .
That helped me let go of alot of the anger and blame i felt towards my husband . Taking responsiblitly for our part in this mess is necessary to recover , he was only doing what alcoholics do .
Keep looking for a meeting thats convient for you and get the support u need ,with or with out him u too need to recover. good luck Louise

Hopeless · Senior Member

so this is a typical feeling = ) I just feel tramped I can't tell my family and nor my friends I have no one to talk about these issues.

I've already checked the meetings in my area do not have child care..

I never realized how poorly my trust issues are I don't know if I would ever have the courage to ask some one to be my sponser? I help others yet I don't even know how to help myself so this step is a big one for me and for some reason it scares me?!?!?

I feel like a whiner = (

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

One of my very favourite quotes.... "it is okay to look at your past, just don't stare"

Yes, venting and "getting it all out" is part of the process, to be sure.... It may help you to write it all out here..... or maybe to write it all out, put the note in a bottle, and fling it into the ocean..... doesn't really matter - whatever works for you. What you will find, hopefully, is the desire to quickly move back into the mindset of "okay, 'xxx' happened, and now things are as they are today..... what am I going to do about things today?"

For me, the key always centered around my focus.... When I concentrate on the "whats", I can deal with things...... When I allowed myself to focus on the "whys", I started going crazy......

Tom

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hopeless wrote:

I never realized how poorly my trust issues are I don't know if I would ever have the courage to ask some one to be my sponser? I help others yet I don't even know how to help myself so this step is a big one for me and for some reason it scares me?!?!?

I feel like a whiner = (

Dear Hopeless

I attend an alanon Step Meeting at the VA Hospital every week. Right outside our meeting room is an appropriate poster.    There is a picture of a fallen soldier and his friend reaching out to him.

The sign reads : "It Takes the Courage of a Warrior to Ask for Help".  Before alanon I would not have understood that poster but I do now!!!

Before program  I thought I did not need help and was perfect. It was easy for me to "help" everyone but I just did not need help These people had to stop doing what they were doing and I would be fine.  For me, reaching out to alanon people, asking for a sponser and sitting in the rooms of alanon was very frightening. It did take the courage of a warrior but I was desperate.

You are not alone and asking for help is hard but keep praying and showing up and using whatever tools you can.  YOu are worth it!!

Hopeless · Senior Member

This is my only outlet I haven't been able to make any meetings I do go to the chat meetings daily but that is it...

I feel like you all know so much and know what to say but I'm still climbing that hugh/scary first step ...

I want to be on the second step....

I want to trust someone without thinking I'm a bother....

I want to stop hating the A for the things he has done to me and myself for allowing it to happen.

I've been through hell this past year I saw my father suffer then eventually die from cancer.     This pregnancy was really hard for me then I had to get an emergency C-section...    I get pregnant AGAIN and I lost the baby because of the A and I hate him for that!      I hate that he didn't allow me to grieve my father because my feelings took a back seat from his..    I hate the things he did and said while I was pregnant with my daughter...    I would fold the laundry put them in the basket and he would kick it over I was 8 months pregnant and he would laugh?!?!   He called my son names (not to his face) and would promise to do things with him which he never did..

I love being a mother I love my kids if he was stable I would be a mother to 3 beautiful children...     I was due last month, it also the first year my father passed and the month I filed a PFA and kicked out the A...

I can't help but wonder if it would of been a boy or girl?    I just couldn't do it I couldn't...

Hopeless · Senior Member

I just don't care anymore why should I he doesn't, ya know...

What is going on with me?   I felt so strong then guarded and now I'm just crying not caring ?!!?!?

I feel like I'm throwing a temper tantrum I want to scream!

Deep breath...

No more coffee for me, lol...

Why am I crying I don't get it I feel like punching something...

Did I fail my children?   Did I set my son up for another shitty man in his life and did I do exactly what I did to my first that I'm doing for my second???    First time shame on you second time shame on me?!?!

I don't deserve this I'm a good person I've never done anything to hurt anyone...

I think I'm having a nervous break down = (

And great I'm at work, lol...     I'm so sick of that lump in the throat feeling because I don't let it out?!?!

-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 18th of May 2010 05:22:58 PM

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to think the ex A was having a great time. Active A's are certainly very good at their sound bites aren't they.

The ex A used to put on a great show for everyone and I was the one who carried the worry, the responsibility and the awareness.

When I left the ex A he had tons of parties, celebrated my leaving. Then his world crashed.

I felt I had to hold the worry, responsibility and awareness for him. Eventually after years of work I stopped doing that. One of the core ways I have let go is to make a point of not knowing where he is or what he is doing.

Maresie.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so identify with that all-consuming anger. Even now, long after some of the horrible things happened, I can get myself right back into that place by thinking of it.

My therapist told me that letting go of the anger is much easier once things have changed. In other words, when I'm still in the situation, the anger will still be there. Because the anger protects me. It keeps me at a distance, it keeps me from letting my guard down and getting too close and being hurt again. So when conditions are the same, anger is our friend. But anger is painful as well -- to give us a big motivation to change the conditions.

Now that I'm out of the situation, I live without most of the anger from day to day, but I can get furious and upset at a moment's notice if I think about the very real terrible things that happened. What I try to think is "Whatever you focus on, grows." Focusing on the horror is like living in the horror again. Where do I want to live? In the good things in my life. Sometimes it takes a huge effort of will to turn my attention to the good things. It's easier when I make sure not to be around the bad things (my ex, reminders of the things he did). It's hard when you have to stay in contact or be around them a lot. I guess that's where detachment skills come in.

Maybe the bottom line is: How does it feel to be angry? If it feels powerful and protective, that can be a good thing. If it's painful, maybe that's a signal to take care of yourself and put your attention on taking care of yourself?

Hopeless · Senior Member

Thanks Ladies..

I just think everything is getting to me with my daughter having the seizure and being sick to him accusing me of being brain washed...

I'm just tired and having a bad day = ( Plus I miss my father right now he was the only man that I could depend on to protect me.

I just need a "Deana Break"....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"