The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Fri nite, I stupidly drank MYSELF to try to get some intimacy after over a year from my ah... I guess I drank to forget he is a loser..
it didn't work and I got pissed and told him his 11 yr old son hates him.. whcih he has told me... so now, instead of addressing the issue of his inability to perform or WHY his son hates him, I am getting the cold shoulder, one word answers, his responses consist of "I don't care" ... that type of thing.
So, I blew it... do I ignore his childish reactions and continue doing waht I want.. He even threw up the fact I went out and was so proud to ahve finally got credit for a cell phone for myslef and son... If I go ahead and do anything... he uses taht as another excuse to ignore me and drink.. but if I don't go ahead and do thgins we would be livng in a hole.. I am the major $ maker, own the house, etc.. he contributes little or nothing. My gut is telling me to ignore his behavior..no matter hwo childish... but my heart is so hurt and angry ..
I guess one question would be, "How many times when our A told us our faults in a drunken state, did we listen and decide to amend ourselves?" That's the likelihood, in my experience (which is lengthy, alas!) that drinking and telling someone what's wrong with them will produce a helpful response. So if telling him your issues when you're sober hasn't had an effect, maybe telling him when you've been drinking doesn't add extra firepower to your assertions.
I sure can sympathize with just wanting the person to know how you're feeling.
If you have issues, I'm sure those are important to address. If your A has difficulties with his eleven-year-old son, that's a ticklish matter -- maybe not your side of the road unless he asks for advice? Or maybe you used that as a way of trying to get his attention? In my experience, if saying "I have some problems I'd like to work out" or the like doesn't do it, then there are larger problems.
I guess I might wonder if this is a time to try the question, "What is my part in it?" You can't control his response. But you can control how you think and what you do next.
I understand the very painful place you find yourself. This disease of alcoholism really is deadly on a family and their ability to communicate or connect. I know it may not sound as if it would work but please try to get to meetings, get alanon telephone #s, work the steps. You deserve to be happy. Trying to solve this problem alone just does not work!! Please keep coming back here and sharing.
For me I finally had to take the steps here in Alanon to address why I had a seeming inability to fit in with those around me, one of the things I get to do is take a daily inventory, where I look at my own behavior regardless of what others do, and realizing that no amount of bad behavior by another person excuses my own, nor does it get the desired result I was looking for.
Now being in a relationship with someone with a child who she loves very much, I know for me, if I told her her child hated her, I could expect some emotional response, probably a very strong response, and quite frankly since I can only imagine that would be very hurtful to hear for her I don't think her response, if a strong one, would be childish, she would be very hurt, and I would have to clean up that wreckage, and speaking for myself, I'm not sure I wouldn't suddenly find myself single, as she is a healthy woman with a strong sense of boundaries and acceptable behavior.
After working the steps I also am not sure I would be staying with someone I considered a "loser" for a few reasons, one is my perceptions of those around me changed, to realizing that they, like me are only flawed humans doing the best they can, another is I have enough self esteem to realize I only deserve the best.
In working my program I have learned that speaking out in anger never leads to anything good for me. Talking from the angry place is me not working my program. When I am angry I go to a meeting, call my sponsor, call a program friend, go for a walk anything to get away from the person I am angry at so I keep my mouth shut.
What causes me to be angry IS something to be addressed when I can be calm and rational and speak from that place. When I can say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean I am the communication is much better.
I also had to accept the fact that my "A" was not able to be the one who I talked to. He was active and talking to him was only going to add to the hurt. Hurt people hurt people, it's what they do. As angry as I was at my "A" I know he was hurting in ways that I could never imagine. I didn't want to add to that.
For me it was easy to look at him and think the horrible thoughts I did about him thinking of him as a looser. But when I change the way I look at things the things I look at change. I didn't have to accept unacceptable behavior, but I could also see that my "A" was doign the best he could with what he had and so was I. When I stopped looking at him with the angry, hurt, resentful and lonely eyes I stopped seeing him as a looser, but as a very broken man.
My "A" has not always done right by our kids, but I know he loves them to the best of his ability. And if he were to hear that they hated him, that would break his heart. He probably wouldn't show it, but it would be a heavy blow for him. It would just add to the already low opinion of himself and his self hatred.
Whenever I think about getting back at him I need to remember, "When I get even, I get even sicker". I so want to be the opposite of sick that I refuse to try and get back at him. Also there is nothing worse that I could do to him that he is already doing to himself.
Keep the focus on you, get to meetings, work with a sponsor, work the steps and change what you can....YOU! You're worth it.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I drank with the ex A when I first met him. I also spent a lot of time shouting at him, raging and yelling. I had to get angry about what he was doing. I certainly found a vehicle here to be angry and to be upset. I felt heard here in a way I've not been heard before.
