The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wrote a few weeks ago that I had to get a PFA on him. I was so tired after 5 months of him coming home after using and not getting help and then using and trying to meet women on the internet and not paying any bills (he gave me no money) and no help with our kids, 2 girls 3 and 1. His drugs of choice were crack and heroin and alcohol.
I tried so hard. His family blamed me. They wouldn't come here to help him but tried from 700 miles away and still blamed me when I put the PFA on him that I failed.
He left that day before I went to file with my computer and TV. That's it. No clothes or anything.
He is on disability from work.
They haven't been able to serve him since they can't find him. He called twice in the last 2 weeks, once to blame me the first week and once on Mothers Day to say Happy mothers Day.
I don't know if he's using or not. But basically I guess me and the kids have been abandoned. No phone calls, no address, no money, no answers, nothing. His parents haven't contacted us. No address change at his job, his checks are direct deposited.
I'm having a hard time dealing. My family is not supportive.
I still love him and I worry about him daily. I don't know what to do at this point. It's like he started a whole new life without ending the one he had. He doesn't even call to see how the kids are. How can you say the kids are your whole life the one day and not even call after that?
I don't know how to go on. I can't get to Al-anon online or F2F. There's only one meeting that allows kids and its too late for my baby. My parents won't watch them for me to go since "it has to do with him" no matter what I say to them. And I don't have my computer at home. I'm using my parents now.
I have no friends. I have counseling on Saturday. I just want to pick up the phone and beg him to come home but I can't. My kids don't need drugs in their life. Plus I believe he was cheating on me. But I go so wrapped up in him and loving him that I just want us back as a healthy family like I know he's capable of. He spent 22 months sober before this.
(((((Destynee)))))...That's a bottom for you. alcoholism (alcoholic/addicts) do this all the time...it is normal when the chemicals own them to act out this way. Alcoholism affects everyone it comes in contact with is what I was told early on and it is true. Make reaching for the phone and calling him the last thing on the list to do. What can you do besides reaching out here for help that will turn it around for you? What other services are available for you. Get a hold of a family support program in your area and tell them what position you're in and ask them for help. YWCA might be there for you as will the Salvation Army. Turn some of that misdirected focus on him back on yourself and love yourself as you love him. "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" is another thing I hear early on in program and I have found that to be completely true. There is no justice in what you are being put thru right now...God first...you next others after. (((((hugs))))
I am sorry you are experiencing this right now. In my area there is a number, first call for help, dial 211. It is thru United Way which is a national organization so it may be the same number for your area. They have access to a bunch of programs and can best assess what may work for you immediately. At least here it ranges from physical and mental health to emergency supplies in cases of need to programs of long term educational and emotional support for various situations. I do not have children but I know they had support groups for single parents that could lead to friends and possibly ways of attending meetings.
I can empathize with feeling very alone. Do you have a copy of the book listed above called Getting them Sober. In addition you can call the al anon office and speak to the person there on duty. I know I have done that before. Moreover if you feel at the end of your rope please call crisis lines in your area, suicide prevention, there may be a battered womens line you can call. You deserve to have support. Sometimes when we are in crisis we have to go with what we have rather than what we should have.
I am glad you have counselling. I presume you are in contact with a battered womens agency generally their groups, therapy involves child care as they know full well some women don't have any help.
We are so here for you as much as we can be. Do you have any numbers from the alanon meetings? Can you call someone to talk to them? It isn't the same as a f2f, but it will help to have an alanon voice to talk to and maybe they could come up with some suggestions on how to get you to a meeting.
The number Jennifer might offer some assistance as well. I believe the number is the same nation wide.
Right now you need to take care of you and your girls. Don't focus on him. He may or may not come back, but you are the only one who is going to take care of you.
Your in my prayers.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I just feel like giving up myself, but I can't for my kids. It's like he died. I can't breathe.
I got a letter today about his disability and its a paper he needs to fill out. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to see him, I don't know where to reach him.
I hate to think he's using. I keep questioning our marriage if it was based all on lies.
Our 6th anniversary was to be the end of this month. I'm a true mess. I tried UW and they referred me to CEO and they said they have no funds. No one in the state of PA has funds to help.
I have counseling tomorrow. I'm hoping he helps a bit.
Sometimes I think I'm better off leaving my kids with my parents and running away for a while but I couldn't abandon them like my H did. They don't deserve it.
I need to get better.
I hate that he is destroying me like this and isn't even here.
Destynee, I am so sorry you are going through all this. I know how overwhelming it can be. I also know the feeling of not knowing how it can get better. (You didn't say you felt this but I know I've felt it enough times in my life, and I'm guessing it happens to all of us when we're stuck in the insanity of dealing with alcoholism.)
It sounds like the truth is that he wasn't in a state to help you with the family at all. He "left" before he physically left. Alcohol is like a mistress who always takes priority. Now you have sole responsibility for your family, and that's a heavy load and not one you should have to bear alone. But you are the one with more sanity, the one who can see what needs to be done -- taking care of your precious kids. So thank goodness you are the one in charge of that job.
That plus taking care of yourself in this stressful time is enough to deal with. What his family thinks and whether he gets the papers he needs -- which he himself hasn't been responsible enough to make sure he gets -- aren't those other people's responsibilities? His family's feelings and his dealings with work are theirs to take care of. I like what someone on the boards said was her motto: "Stay on your own path." That helps me every time I worry about stuff that shouldn't be mine to deal with.
Every time my addict exes left me, I was filled with terror and emptiness. Something about them leaving triggered a kind of fear in me, as if I were three years old and my mother had abandoned me by the roadside. Sometimes I felt as if I were going to die of fear. One thing I have gradually realized is that these are left-over feelings from feeling so unsafe when I was young. Actually in the relationships, there were plenty of times when I knew very clearly that my partner wasn't good for me. I could see how miserable I was and how unresponsive he was. I knew I had to get out, for my own sanity. But being left seemed to erase all these thoughts and I was just in a terror. I wonder if you too sometimes thought that things were intolerable? And that you just didn't want to go on any more? Remembering that the actual relationship (as opposed to the fantasy relationship) was so inadequate can help me realize that splitting up was actually my idea as much as his. I wonder if you might have had feelings that things were going miserably as well, and if remembering that misery might help reclaim some of your power. Something to think about; disregard if it doesn't fit.
Take care of yourself! Remember we are here for you.
