The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I have been writing about here on the forum earlier my alcoholic girlfriend broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. We stayed in touch for a while, speaking on the phone only and it was fine. Then a couple of days ago I went over to see her. It was fine at first, but then she said she was sexually atracted to me. I got happy at first, since the lack of this was one of the main reasons she broke up. But she then said that it was only because of our past history and that it did not mean anything now. She also said that she has to be singel for at least six months while she work the steps with her sponsor in AA.
I first said that I could not handle all this and said that I could not speak to her any more and left.
When I got home I phoned up another person in Al-Anon for the first time. She made me realize that my ex girlfriends sobriety was in my interest too. So I contacted my ex-girlfriend and said I will try to be in a friendship with her, but that I had to put some conditions. She asked me to put them in an e-mail because she was so emotionally drained.
I did that, saying that I don't want to know if she is sexually atracted to me unless it means something to her, that if she get a crush on other men she would have to keep it a seacret from me unless it got serious. And in general that she did her part in treating me like a friend and not a boyfriend. After that I got a text saying that she can not have any contact with me at all at the moment because her sponsor told her so. And she is willing to do all it takes to get a good sobrioty.
I miss her so much. I keep reding Al-Anon litterature, but can't get rid of the thought that I have lost my alcoholic. I can get better myself, but there is nothing else to fight for. I can see that this is turning into a very unhealthy obsession of mine. For the last three years I have been so dependent on contact with my ex girlfriend.
I have sent her E-mails and texts which she does not respond to. I'm probably just pushing her further away.
I will go to another Al-Anon meeting tonight to see if there is still a point in staying in Al-Anon.
I can't imagine a life where I ignore my ex-girlfriends existence. It feels so wrong. I know this is one of the big things I cannot change. I must learn how to accept all this. I have seven exams coming up and I can't focus on my reading. Time is running out. I whish this would happen in a less stressful period, or maybe more that I had found Al-Anon earlier. I see things so differently and I can see so many things I have done wrong. I had no idea. I thought I knew everything about alcoholism. The truth is that I didn't know much at all. Yes, I know I should not look at the past and live in the present. I don't like today.
But I am going to push myself out the door to go to the meeting. I know it can't make anything worse.
Sorry if my post today seem a bit depressive. I wish to share more positive thinking than this.
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
Alcoholism is a disease and by interacting with this disease we have been severely affected. I understand that you are in pain and that is normal for dealing with this disease. I am so sorry but I am so glad you have found al anon and that you are going to a meeting.
Your life is so very important and focusing on your tests is YOUR job. We so easily discard ourselves and our lives to worry about others, that is why we NEED AlAnon.
It does not matter if the alcoholic is still in our lives or not. We need to learn new tools to use in the world. AlAnon provides this. We need to learn how to focus on ourselves, love ourselves, take care of ourselves and only then can we interact in a healthy way with others.
Good Luck with your test and let us know how it goes.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 13th of May 2010 04:04:01 PM
I would go to the thread above in reference to the Free Book and get it!!! It's been a life saver for me and has a bunch of excellent information on exactly your situation!
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Are, First you have no need to apologize for your feelings....they are yours. This is a safe place to come and post if you are happy, sad, angry, depressed, lonely, etc. By keeping it in you are not helping yourself.
I am no longer with my alcoholic. I have been divirced from my husband since March of this year. I will continue to keep coming to Al-anon because I needed it long before I met him. If I didn't I wouldn't have chosen him. I have been affected by the disease and the effects of living with it. It doesn't matter that I no longer have an active alcoholic in my life everyday I need this program if I want to continue to recover. If I don't I am just going to pick another alcoholic again and I don't feel like staying on the merry-go-round anymore.
I hope you continue to keep coming back. From your posts you have a lot to share.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Why her sponsor would tell her she needs to be alone for 6 months is BS
They rule of thumb in AA is if you're SINGLE, they suggest you do not date while in recovery. If you're already in a relationship, no one is going to suggest you get single.
In fact, when my BF first started AA, a group of miserable recovery addicts told him to leave me. He knew better. His home group encourages him to work his recovery with me.
Maybe your GF should get a better sponsor. There are some people in AA who are called 13th steppers and try to control their sponsoree. No good sponsor would tell anyone to leave a spouse unless that spouse is a danger.
As I understand it, dyinginside, they weren't spouses but girlfriend/boyfriend, and they broke up a couple of weeks ago. So what the "right" answer is, is variable, and who knows what the sponsor really said to the girlfriend in what words, and who knows how the girlfriend really understood it, and who knows if the way she reported it really reflected the whole situation?
The goal we're working towards, as I understand it, is to be able to take good care of ourselves and live happy and serene lives -- with or without one particular person. No other human being can be our Higher Power. And no other human being should be the sole difference as to whether our time here is joyful or miserable. We may feel miserable for a while, but we also have been given the resources within us to get our lives back on track and take care of ourselves. If we rely on someone else to determine whether our lives having meaning or not, that's not a relationship so much as a hostage situation.
I know so well that feeling of life being empty without the other person. I know how convincing that feels -- that life can never be good again. It gets better, little bit by little bit, day by day. Working the program in Al-Anon makes it get better faster and more securely. And it helps us not to choose the same dynamic again.
Take care of yourself. Keep coming back. You are worth it.
-- Edited by Mattie on Thursday 13th of May 2010 01:46:31 PM
Are, I really love your ability to answer your own questions. You already know the answers.
You wonder if there is any point to staying in Al-Anon, and describe your thinking about your A as an "unhealthy obsession" and how you must learn acceptance. As hotrod says, Al-Anon is where you will acquire the tools to deal with all of this.
I didn't actually start attending face to face meetings until after I broke up with my XABF, and there are lots of others in my group who don't have an active A in their lives, whether because of a breakup or longterm sobriety.
We all attend for ourselves, because there are things about US that we want to change or improve.
All the best on your exams! Hope you can find that focus.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I certainly don't have a life where I ignore any alcoholic. In fact every alcoholic who comes into my life brings some knowledge I've been waiting to see.
Detaching isn't about ignoring. Detachment is about not obsessing. If you don't obsess there is a clearing where you can see where you are.
Of course no one can control, cure or cause an alcoholic to drink. At the same time there is a lot of work anyone can do with their own life while the alcoholic does whatever.
5 years ago I sank into a big depression. I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do much. I was absolutely consumed by the alcoholic's using and what he did and most of all how he felt about me. In actually how he felt about me was much like he felt about his entire life he didn't give it much thought because he was too busy acting out his dysfunction.
That bottom for me was the primer that made me want to come to al anon and get better. Getting better wasn't about leaving the alcoholic. With or without the alcoholic I had plenty of stuff to do. One was to start taking care of myself, the other was to take the focus, spot light off him and his actions and put it on my life. My life was not irretrievably entwined with his even then.
I hope you give al anon a shot. I do agree its hard going to come in here and absorb. The journey is very much worth it.
This was a lot of answers since I wrote the post! Thank you very much
First I have to say that I am not on any worpath with my ex girlfriends sponsor although it might sound like it. I know her well and know how much she is trying to help my ex girlfriend. I am sure she has very good reasons for suggesting the things she does. I think the six months rule is more for other men. My ex-girlfriend has a bad history with men that have turned out to be bad for her. I don't mean like with me that I turn reflect her disease by picking it up and throw it right back in her face. I mean men that have been really cruel to her.
I know I have a habit of answering my own questions. Some times I feel like I know what I should do, but don't.
The first thing is to read it in litterature. A little bit get in. I have the knowledge.
Using this forum gets me closer to understanding.
Then going to the meetings and actually feel the warmth from the group make me believe.
I'm dialing my HP's phone number every day with a hope of being able to put my knowledge, understanding and belief at work
I am so grateful I went to that meeting tonight! I know I belong there now. I am supposed to have six meetings to make up my mind. I have had four, but still they trusted me the key to open the meeting doors next thursday, lol.
Today turned out alright. Not perfect but better than I feared. Once again thank you so much for being here. All human beings should have some sort of support group to go to. It's magic. (I do sound too optimistic now don't I? lol) I just went to a meeting feeling very depressed. I came out and think. It's going to be ok.
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
And that is how it works...Keep doing it Cosmos. Keep the focus on yourself only and go after the miracles that are in the family groups and MIP. (((hug)))