The Book... - Al-Anon Family Group

Hopeless · Senior Member

The Book...

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think Getting Them Sober takes a while to savor. The author doesn't actually focus that much on leaving but on getting a different attitude. Sober or drunk an alcoholic can be very hard to live with. Many significant others of the alcoholic think getting them sober is the key issue.

I do think detaching is a tremendously difficult taks to do. There are manuals on it at www.coping.org.

I also think that when we come here detaching is often like lifting a 500 weight before you've lifted the 5 lb one. We have to start small and work up the skill rather than think the solution will appear in front of us quickly. If we leave there are issues, if we stay there are issues. Toby Rice Drew is some help to either decision.

Maresie.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I haven't read the book yet, but I have one on the way (thanks, Tom!!) - but really, this is something that comes up every now and then in my Al-Anon CAL. Leave the situation.

Really, for me I see that it's all about choices.

I can choose to stay in the room and try to detach while the A rants at me or does all he can to provoke me. But the thing is, I need to recognize that was my choice to try and stay and ignore or dismiss it. I have to be careful about not turning myself into a victim because I knew darn well I could have put more distance between myself and him and not hung around for the abuse. And I won't kid myself - it IS abuse.

Often, though, it's too much for me - my A is really good at pushing my buttons. He knows exactly the right things to say to me to get a reaction out of me. I'm not often strong enough to choose to not engage if I'm going to stay in the same place as him.

I had an instance around a month or two ago where my AH started a fight with me. I was getting angry and on the verge of lashing out with some nasty remarks to him, and then I just remembered right then that I could ask my HP into the situation, so I asked my HP "what's your will for me?", and I heard clear as a bell in my head "You can leave. Get out of the house."

And that's exactly what I did. I knew I had a meeting that night that I was planning to go to. I was really wanting to eat dinner at home, but AH was just triggering me like mad, so I decided it would be worth the hit to my pocketbook to go have dinner out and eat in peace instead of hanging around my AH and continuing the dance.

I ended up having a nice dinner with my sponsor and another Al-Anon friend before the meeting, attended a great meeting, and I was back to feeling centered by the time I got home. The only person who was victimizing themself THEN, was the AH - but by that time, when I got home, I was in a new place where I could blow off anything my AH tried to throw at me.

Getting up and leaving the room is not easy for me. Especially when I feel it's a ludicrous time to be getting out of the house. But if that's what I have to do to keep my head on straight, then that's what I've got to do.

Hopeless · Senior Member

I do understand what you are saying but what if you can't physically "leave" the situation?

I have 2 kids one is a baby I'm obviously not going to leave my kids with him when he is like this...

I just feel that sometimes we have no choice but to stay (not saying the relationship) when it gets down to disagreements with an A. And Lord knows he isn't going to go willingly so how do you handle that?

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Believe me many of us have been through terrible times living with an alcoholic. When I first came here the way out seemed absolutely impossible. I struggled with despair and anger and frustration every day. In fact that's pretty much all I posted here. The awareness of where I was at was tremendous. At the same time putting it out there and having my feelings validated helped me tremendously. Gradually I moved on to using the al anon tools, going to meetings, going to the chat room and getting more validation, attention, care and acceptance. As i grew in the program things started to look different, I started to see ways I could work on myself no matter what the A did. Of course i couldn't at the begining because he was one huge acting out person. Over the months, years I could not over react to his actions. I could let go when he did reckless things. I could take myself out of his path without leaving by mentally supporting myself and getting emotional support here. I got a counselor she was an enormous help to me as she could bear to hear what I had to say. I had people here who wrote me and enquired how I was as I was certainly suicidal at times. My path certainly seemed difficult for a long long time. The more I embraced the tools, suggestions and ideas of al anon the more detached and clear I got. None of this happened over night. I took a long time to get clear and not be awash with pain and despair.

Maresie.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hopeless

If I could not walk out of the house or even leave the room, I found I could stay where I was and say the serenity prayer over and over. I also said the slogan Let GO (of Anger) and Let GOd(direct my words) repeatedly to myself. In doing this my attitude became calm within and I was no longer engaging with the disease. I did not react to the words, I stayed within myself and continued to do my job or my life. I did not punish the other person, I did not give a cold look or shoulder I merely continued with my life.

This can be treated just like at a meeting People share and then we move on NO cross talk I found if I didnot cross talk with the A it worked great.!!!

I must however take care of my life and respond to my needs by attending meetings, calling sponsers and working steps.

Hope your birthday is special

Hopeless · Senior Member

gotcha!

When he left I joined the message board so I never used these tools while we lived together...

Makes sense now I'm just in the moment trying to figure out things or how I could of handled situations better, probably somethign I shouldn't do... I just wish I had the tools when in the situation if that makes any sense...

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Maresie, ty for that site address, Ive added it to my "file" biggrin

(( hopeless )) I can relate very much, when I was with my exAH, I got to where I thought I couldnt leave - bc I had left a few times b4 in a argument, only to call him all upset and be convinced to come right back. After a few times of leaving... he would jump in front of me, blocking the apartment door & struggling with me. Even though i did shove him a few times the first year we lived together bc he did the same thing - following me from room to room, screaming at me - yelling in my face and yes, even waking me up on Friday nights, to be his "companion" until 2 or 3 in the morning, when I had to work early and long Saturday hours (I did hair). I did not want to fight physically, if he ever hit me, Id have automatically left and I was afraid of that, I suppose.

What I did do, was get more and more depressed, stressed and withdrawn. I did stop fighting but I withdrew in myself - I was not in program working it & withdrawing, made me less and less of who I was. I did leave my exAH after four years of marriage - when I got home to TX and off the plane, my mom said I looked like an elderly woman and a shell of who I was. That was the truth at that time, too.

I think hotrod gave some very excellent suggestions on how to use some program tools, in the situation. Prayer is very effective, always. I did not love myself at that time and I did begin to believe all the horrid and cruel things he said to me, it felt like brainwashing.

I didnt know that I could love myself -first and foremost- and put my opinion, thoughts and feelings - in front of his. That I could love me first, and protect me emotionaly by loving me and not believing what he said. He knew all my deepeset darkest stuff and loved to tap into it, to get a bigger rise out of me. Well, if I didnt belive what he was saying or realize he was attacking me on purpose to feed his disease - if I had known I could make a boundary in my own head and dis believe it all, I might have stayed - but for me, that was not an option. And he insisted, I was not "allowed" to go back to alanon, so he lost me.

Hopeless · Senior Member

Thank you for your replies..

I'm going to make another post in reference to what you had to say, Kitty! My daughter had a seizure last night and the A was in typical A fashion!

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