The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have been looking in here for a bit and on the chat line. Seems there are not very many male members with alcoholic wives. Have been looking at what strategies and tools there are to deal with situations like this. Exasperated at the moment!!!!!
Welcome to the MIP family. You are certainly in the right place. There are some very valuable male members here who have been right where you are. I value their experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor. I like the perspective of a male member too. I don't think it matters how many male members there are. The quality of them can't be beat. Please keep coming back to us. You're a welcome addition.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks Karilynn, thanks for the comment. I'm sure u all value male members, but they seem very few and very quiet in their input!!!! Being male of course we are very analytical and look for simple answers (dumb as dog droppings I guess). Nonetheless, I will keep an eye on what comes along and use it as I can for a way forward.
THanks again for the welcome and comments. Take Care
Don't feel exasperated. You are not alone!!! There are many people, both men and women, who are willing to share their experiences and wisdom. We're all in the same boat and each are working our program in our own way. You are among friends!
I understand your concern----but there is no reason for you to be concerned. You know the old saying "If you have seen one you have seen them all". That applies to alcoholism as well. There will we other men answer your post along and women with tons of experience and years in the program.
I have been attending two f2f meetings each week for the last 3 1/2 years. In one of my groups I am the only man. Just me and a bunch of wonderful caring and understanding women, all of us there for the same reason. We have been affected by someone elses drinking. Those ladies and the ladies of this board raised me in the Al-Anon program. Without them I would not be where I am in the program today. Remember the program is not a destination -----it's a journey.
You keep coming back here and posting, read all you can about the disease, find and start attending f2f meetings and your life will get better. This program works if you work it. I'm living proof.
I agree with your "dog dropping" statement. We (men) do look at problems from a somewhat different perspective and many times are prone to beleive we can solve our problems without asking for someone elses help, it's our nature. I can tell you from experience ----alcoholism does not fall into thet catagory. Alcoholism is like a speeding train. I stepped in front of that train over and over again and always got the same results. The train ran over me every time. Cunning, baffling, and powerful is the best description for this disease. It destroys the mind, body, an spirit of the alcoholic, and it makes us do and say things no sane person would ever think about or consider. We become as sick as the alcoholic in our life. We need help. We need our own recovery. In the rooms of Al-Anon and on this board is the perfect place to start.
Glad you are here, keep coming back.
HUGS, RLC
P.S. To all the ladies of MIP---Even though Shay and I both admitted we men are as dumb an "dog droppings"---Please don't hold that against us!! LOL
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 11th of May 2010 11:40:44 AM
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 11th of May 2010 12:32:06 PM
Shay- I'm fairly new to the program, not moving very far or very fast yet, haven't found a regular f2f group that "fits" after trying several, let alone finding a sponsor-- so I can't offer much except to say...you're not alone, brother.
That realization, in and of itself, has brought me a bit of peace, and I hope it in some small way does for you as well.
Welcome to MIP.... I am one of "quite a few" male members on this board, and a grateful member here and of Al-Anon. I think you will also find, in time, that the issues that we ALL face on here - men and women alike, are eerily similar.... In fact, I would venture that the only real difference between what I experienced, versus what many of the women in Al-Anon experience, is the 'physical fear' factor from their A's..... Other than that, it's pretty much a wash.... I have learned tons from everyone out here, regardless of gender.
All that being said, I understand your wanting to connect with some other males in the program - and there really are quite a few of us. JerryF is by far the smartest (not to mention best looking), but lots of others of us as well..... :)
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome to the MIP family, Shay. I understand the feeling of uniqueness, it is something we all feel when we walk in the doors of Al-Anon, whether it is due to gender, race, region, religion (or not), serverity of the situation, parent, spouse, sister or friend of an alcoholic.
After a while we find that the understanding in this group is astounding. The similarities profound, and the answers common for many of us. As we ARE all unique, the program of Al-Anon is structured in a simple manner. It is simple, but not always easy - but it lets you take it at your own pace - chose your own higher power - and work the program you want with a simple set of steps to guide you. And the group - the common bond between all of us - is love and a need for a better life and our willingness to reach out to others who are suffering to lend them a hand up, with no judgement or expectations.
You have landed in a very beautiful place. We (the entire Al-Anon family) are here in whatever capacity you need. Male and female - and so on. We offer our Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) to you so that perhaps you can find answers to a better life, happiness, and serenity.
Please keep coming back.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Dog Poop you say??!! Dog Poop? actually I didn't say poop when I first responded to my counselor on the subject of how did I feel after being badly treated by an alcoholic relationship. "So you feel like a pile of warm, brown, smelly dog droppings is that what you're saying?" LOL I learned that feeling like s*&t wasn't a feeling at all.
I've been around a long time and when I first got to Al-Anon most meetings were almost exclusively women and I won't complain because even though many of them had been treated horribly by the disease they were some of the most wonderful and beautiful flowers to look at from my perspective and when I learned to sit still and listen without resistence and oppositional defiant analytical (coulda stopped at anal huh?) reaction to the similarities between what they were going thru and what I was going thru I started to get my mind, body, spirit and emotions back and in order. I went on to found a men's stag meeting which had a membership up to 12 sometimes more guys and the only difference seemed to be how we processed stuff (thinking first and then feelings) and our language used in doing so. It was helpful and it was also a duplicate of the many other (non-stag) meetings I attended. The women in the program raised me when the only thing I could do coming from the disease of alcoholism and a life emersed in it was to behave so profoundly crazy. The loved me and supported me and asked me to keep coming back even after they had just asked me to leave the room or "sit down and shut the "f" up cause I was borderline out of control. My wife was a woman and I had lumped all women into the same box car by definition and I would not listen but came to. They didn't save my butt...they helped me to help me save my own butt.
Here is what I did as suggested by a female I never met and wanted to and which took time to do (easy program not simple...Tricia and the other women here are butt savers regardless of gender...I would trust them with my life...easy because of what has already happened)...The woman who told me this was the hotline person for the district of Central Ca. where I got into program. Go to face to face meetings and get and read as much literature as you possibly can about alcoholism. Go early sit down and listen...listen...listen. Learn the steps, traditions and slogans. Go to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days. 90 meetings in 90 days is optimum. Keep coming back.
It is in the "Keep coming back" that the solutions come about and a Higher Power shows up in life and changes start to happen especially in one area where I personally was so grateful. I stopped trying to think my way out of trouble and started allowing my heart to do some of the work; who would have thought I had one.
Anyhow...yeah I believe that we guys need to talk with each other and listen to each other and share what happened, what we found out and what it is like for us today. I know that there is value in that and we need never forget that when the teacher shows up we should never balk at it's gender because when God picks an instrument of God's love God doesn't gender prefer. We must be ready.
I think Al-Anon is tough on guys because many guys egos are tied to their brain. Not good. So we arrive at the thought not the feeling...It feels like Doggy Poop...Lol again I am not alone. Welcome Shay...stick around and help us in our recovery.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 12th of May 2010 06:45:05 PM
Welcome Shay !!!! I can only agree with what others before me have said. I personally can't think of much of a difference in this program wether we are men or women. We are all trying to get to the same goal of serenity. But we do have wonderful men hear that have great ESH = Experience Strenght and Hope. I hope you stick around and really give alanon a chance. You've nothing to lose and everything to gain Hope to hear more from you and see you in a meeting Blessings
Hi Shay, another male member here - with a alcoholic wife. I read periodically and have only had the chance to post sporadically. But I wanted to let you know there was another one here in addition to those who posted above.
I've been doing face to face Alanon meetings for 3 and a half years - which has been enormously helpful. I have a sponsor, am working the steps, and read lots of the literature. Which is probably why I don't have more time to post on this forum !
Don't be put off by the perceived imbalance between the number of men and women. My very first Alanon meeting was all women, but the home group I found is about 60-40% women to men.
As others have mentioned, I have learned a tremendous amount from the women in Alanon. It is nice to talk "guy to guy" at times, for sure - I do that with my sponsor, and with guys I sponsor - but the women have been great sources of experience, strength, and hope. I cherish the women I've met in my Alanon group !
