The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My stepdaughter moved about a week or two after turning 18.
I don't feel it was a well thought-out move, as she has another year of high school left before graduating, but it is what it is. Great practice for me to Let Go and Let God.
There was a lot of drama and strife from AH, though, who erupted at her announcement that she was moving as only alcoholics can do... yelling, ranting, accusing, insulting, threatening and guilting.
Stepdaughter still loves her dad, and I'm glad she seems to be taking his behavior in stride (maybe some of my Al-Anon behaviors are rubbing off on her). AH has broke contact with her, refusing to touch base with her to see how she's doing. I see her occasionally because of a mutual exercise class we take. I've encouraged her to stay in contact with me because I recognize this is a ROUGH road she's chosen and would like to be there as an open adult voice to talk with if she needs to talk - but I've also made my boundaries clear to her, too... I will not be driving her all over town. I will not be available for financial handouts. She's chosen this path, saying she knows how to take care of herself, so that's what I'm going to allow her to do.
AH, of course, inquires about his daughter any time after I see her. For now, I've been telling him the facts as I see them... but I'm going to tell him the next time he asks how she's doing that he knows her number and he can call her himself. Stepdaughter also does the same thing - asking how her dad's doing and so on. I told her (since she seems more willing to extend the olive branch), that she should call her dad sometime. That's as far as I want to go, though - AH's and step-daughter's relationship is THEIR relationship, not mine. I'm not going to pull my hair out and get myself worked up over trying to repair what the two of them broke together.
Apparently step-daughter's mom called AH yesterday, though, accusing AH of stealing step-daughter's money. (He had a joint account with her in the beginning because the bank required his name be on the account since she was under 18 when they opened it.) He had apparently removed his name from the account a week or so after she'd moved out - but now step-daughter is telling her mom all the money she'd had saved is gone and thinks her dad took it.
I have NO idea what happened. To be honest, I'd be shocked if AH had taken money from his daughter. I just don't see the "thief" trait in my AH. But now AH is moaning to me about how his ex is calling him and accusing him.
Once again... NOT MY BUSINESS. AH's relationship with his ex is between him and her... NOT me. It's not my duty to call his ex and try to rationalize things with her. Nor is it my duty to call step-daughter and direct her to contact the bank and find out exactly when her money went missing.
Let THEM figure it out.
It is so liberating knowing none of the chaos with my AH and his ex and step-daughter are my responsibility.
Pre-Al-Anon me would be dropping everything, calling the ex, calling the step-daughter and trying to play detective.
Aloha, good for you! Sounds like you're doing a great job of minding your own business. Yes, it is liberating, isn't it? For what it's worth, I moved out from home when I was seventeen. I was still in high school and also working part time. I stayed in close touch with my parents and although they didn't think it was a smart move, it really was a great experience for me. I learned responsibility and to take care of myself. I hope it all works out for the best for your stepdaughter too.
I'm having to tell myself that funny turnaround phrase...
"Dont just do something! Sit there!"
His ex called me and let me know she was going to have her father, who is a lawyer, look into what happened regarding the missing money from step-daughter's account.
I told her calmly that whatever is going on, it's between them, not me.
I was nice and detached the other day, but now that little fear-rat in my brain is starting to try and chew and gnaw on the problem and tell me that I'll somehow be held accountable for my AH's actions. I still don't know if AH took the money or not. I know I'll never know for sure because I can never be sure if my AH is telling the truth or not.
Maybe he is a thief?
How does that affect me?
My knee-jerk fear reaction in me is wanting me to go check my AH's bank account for any large unknown deposits. The freak-out person in me wonders if he did take the money and deposit it to his account, would I be held accountable for it because my name's on that account, too?
Ugh.
I can't do a thing about it now. I need to turn this over to God. What's Your will for me, God? I think I need to do nothing for now. Pray on it, journal about it maybe, and certainly speak with my sponsor about it when I'm sure she'll be available to talk.
I'm so glad I have the Spring Assembly to have to go to this weekend. Will definitely keep my mind occupied.
