The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some people say that the program is in the book, that meetings are just icing on the cake. Not for me. Without meetings, there is no AA for me.
So often, I have no idea what is going on with me. I will have a feeling of unease that won't go away, and I can't find it. I'm either unable or unwilling to rewind the tape and trace it back to origin. I can't google it because I don't know what to google. Some people can just flip the Big Book open to a random page, and let God show them what they need to see.
For me though, I have to go to a meeting with no expectations, no agenda, no topic. And if I listen, I'll hear it. Somewhere in the topic of the day, whether it's a gratitude meeting or a resentment meeting or what. It's there. I leave feeling better.
Sometimes I know what is the instigator of the unease. For me these past couple of weeks, it was finding out about the death of my friend. I went through all the normal egotistical questions... could I have done something myself? What caused a guy who was on top of the world to just give up and go down the tubes? I have many theories but the answer is all of the above. And encircling all of the causes is one phrase: He quit going to meetings. A decision, pride, ego, he convinced himself that his problem was unique, that no one could help. That he would be judged.
What a lesson in humility for me.
My very first reaction to hearing of his passing was "better him than me", sort of a "well that's what he gets for dropping out of AA" which is really more of a resentment, i.e. "that's what he gets for abandoning me as a friend". This has turned into massive gratitude. In the days following I found myself telling all kinds of stories about this man - and missing him all the more. In terms of life accomplishments, good deeds, pretty much every statistic - I'm a pale shadow of a human being compared to my friend. Yet, here I am sitting here sober another day - and he is gone, nothing but a memory for the hundreds who knew and loved him. I'm humbled to be sober today and I pray for willingness to put the next foot forward, for whatever God's plan for me is.
And go to a meeting.
Barisax
p.s. I wrote this for the AA forum but decided to post it here verbatim, if it's not appropriate please ignore.
"Go to meetings" is very appropriate Barisax. I get in touch with the minds, experiences, solutions and love of more members and am not just left up to my own small world.
"Go to meetings" Read the literature. Find and use your sponsor. All of these and more improve my relationship and understanding of a power greater than myself.
I will not ignore it because I really relate to it. I remember where I was pre-alanon and pre-meetings and pre somewhat sane (lol because I know I am not completely there yet).
Last week was a difficult week for me. I was dicussing this with my counselor and she asked me a question. I knew I knew the answer, but I couldn't give it to her then. I knew it was floating around somewhere in my head and that if I could only find it I could give it to her.
I went to my meeting that night and sure enough I found it. While I was sharing it just came out. Like I had always known the answer.
The Al-anon lit helps me, but I think meetings help wipe clean my connection to my HP.
Thanks for the great post.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
It is horribly sad to lose friends for any reason!
It shows your true feelings when you share what good you saw in him. After all the disease is the disease, he wasn't!
Sounds like he did the best he could, as we all hope we do.
It's good to hear that the meetings mean so much to you. Shows one is really working their program of recovery. Not just saying they are IN recovery. BIG difference!
Thank you for sharing this, I found it very important to read!
Thank you for the topic. I agree meetings are an essential part of my program and I cannot do it alone. The wisdom and insights I develop from simply showing up and listening are amazing.
Before program I honestly thought that humility was a word that could describe a religious person like a nun and priest and could never see any asset in being a HUMBLE person.
Thank goodness for program for teaching me the value of HUMILITY and giving me tools to achieve it in my life.
I will never outgrow the need for meetings
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 10th of May 2010 08:00:33 PM
My deepest condolences on your loss. Your post is appropriate for this forum. A reminder to us all. I am convinced that when my beloved Tim stopped going to meetings it was downhill from there. Even when he was sober and layed up in bed due to his foot surgery I offered to call his sponsor and let them hold small meetings here. I would have been more than happy to vacate the premises in order for them to maintain their anonymity and have privacy. I do know some people who stay sober w/o AA. Tim's Dad is one of them. However he has a strong program in his church and celebrated 25 years sobriety.
As much as I love MIP there are times when this is not enough. I need the support in person. So I go back to my meetings and another support group that I use to go to.
Your friend was very lucky to have you in his life. You honor him by doing what you need to in order to maintain your sobriety. You honor his life by doing your service work here as well as at your home groups. May the memories of his friendship comfort you. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you for expressing what I so often have felt and still sometimes feel. It's not easy to always recognize my resentments and turn them into gratitude. I, too, feel I pale in the shadow of my A, even with all of his troubles and demons. Interestingly, he has often mentioned that he feels he pales in my shadow as well.
Thank you for sharing such a poignant post.
"A bud becomes a rose when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the fear of change."
I have had friends who commited suicide. They did not have an addiction they had abuse issues. This friend was one of those people who went to a lot of 12 step meetings (all she could). At some point it didn't work anymore. The pain she had was too much for her. I remember meeting her and talking and suggesting tools all of which she turned down. There was so much for her to live for and she gave up.
I can definitely understand giving up. I can also understand the effort and commitment it takes to keep going when times are rough. I will never know why my friend chose to end it. I do know absolutely I did everything I could for her. I hope you know you did all you could for your friend and that was enough. I know absolutely nothing I could have done would have helped. I knew it instinctively when I heard the news and I still know it now. There are few issues where I don't have doubts that was one of them. I am glad I can be at peace with her death. I am at peace about so little in my life.
You have simply realized that your program that works for you must include attending meetings. Period. I think it's great that you have learned this about yourself. I know that on those days when I am lost or confused, I'll hit a meeting and darned if the topic being discussed doesn't give me some insight into the concerns I had that day! They certainly have filled a need in my program.
Yes, as an A I see a lot of debate between 90 in 90/ do the steps/ big book thumpers/slogans on and on. I think that the program as a whole lends itself to good recovery.
Fellowship, the steps, and all the slogans that help YOU get sober and achieve serenity. I am no one to judge what works for others and can only pass on what worked for me and what didn't. I find that if I grab onto ANY part of anything in my life, whether it be my BB, my fellowship, my sponsor, my A, my . . . you get it . . . it never turns out well. Gleen the beauty and goodness out of everything I can and leave nothing out....then let it go.
I personally have a hard time with meetings but hope they will become a part of my life again soon. Without them I am not truly doing the 12th step. But, I work from home and am practically a shut in. Socializing makes me REALLY nervous. Meetings make me nervous. I have tried, been of service, done my commitments, worked the steps - but I stopped. Do I feel this big LOSS in my life now that I am not going? No. BUT, I do feel that I am not doing right by those who are still suffering. I am not freely giving what saved my life to others. I still try to integrate the steps into my daily life - but if one is missing - then I am not doing as good as I should.
I am moving soon to a big city and think that the fellowship there will be incredible with a LOT to choose from and a LOT of diversity.
Thanks for the wonderful reminder and I am sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I completely understand the importance of meetings, even if it causes me more anxiety than it cures.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
