The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone, new to the board, but not new to al-anon.
My family and I have come to the belief that my father is in the final stages of his struggle. He is 68, his health is failing, and after multiple recovery programs, counseling, AA, he has obviously given up completely. We have taken away his car, his credit and bank cards (we can not afford to let what little money is left be spent on scotch). He is financially ruined, depressed, suicidal and alone. If he gets any money it will go towards a bottle. We take him out to get groceries and cigarettes (I HATE that part) and take turns driving him to the doctor, counselor, and treatment meetings.
He was recently out of town for a month to help my sister get her house ready for sale and move. I was skeptical of how good an idea it was but he was looking forward to being useful and not being alone. It was a disaster. He had access to a credit card and ended up relapsing multiple times, being verbally abusive and miserable, all at a time when she was finishing the last weeks of her veterinary medicine program. She let him drive the rented moving truck back to Calgary (don't ask me why). I had to go get it and deliver it a day late to the agency yesterday because he was on to his third 40 oz scotch.
His heart is bad, his blood pressure is bad, he has intestinal bleeding and very limiting bowel problems. He is too weak to even go for a short walk now. I really do not know how long he has left, I am ready to find him dead every time I visit. In all honesty I wish it was sooner than later because I do not want to watch the suffering anymore. Financially we are just going in debt further the longer this goes on. For all I know he could still be around and in living hell for a long time yet.
We have him in a basement suite presently, but he is a smoker and we think there is a significant risk of him starting a fire. On Monday I will be calling his doctor and case worker with his current treatment program (Substance Abuse In Later Life - an Alberta Health and Wellnes program), and see what obtions there are for assisted living or some arrangment to live out his remaing time. We have considered just giving him his wallet, a bank account with his extremely limited pension and a modest allowance and letting him make his own choices. That amounts to abandoning him to the street in all honesty though.
I guess I dont really know what I am asking except if there is any advice from others that have watched a loved one die of this terrible disease. I know I need to go to my meetings, meditate, and work on my steps (yes I am back evaluating if I am really done with step one).
I don't believe we are ever done with step 1 so don't feel bad . I am sorry for your struggle with dad and a assisted living residence would be perfect , he would have company his own age which is really important to them , his meals would be cooked for him and his laundry taken care of .. the home takes care of his money he is given an allowance to live on .. and most of all he is safe ... I don't know if your father is a vetran or not but there are homes in Canada where its reasonable housing and my FIL spent his last few yrs in Terrace BC. I am sure alberta has the same type of housing available . good luck Louise
Aloha Bob...Sorry you also have to watch the final stages. My own experiences are that it isn't very comforting yet surprisingly I got the opportunity to be comforting and to love always...a Mother Theresa statement. I'll pray for your Pops to do the best with what he has for the day and to be as surrendered to God as he is to alcohol. The disease is cunning, powerful, baffling, crazy and terminal. The journey isn't pretty as you know yet even this doesn't have anything to do with your ability to love and love well. Good luck; In support (((((hugs)))))
hello, I've been in alanon for more than a year...I guess I'm still at step 1. My exaH sounds a lot like ur Dad in many ways. It's a sad disease. Very.
You are doing all you can I can see that. It's always a very personal decision if and when loved ones want to stop.
You are also very correct that they can keep going surprisingly long.
I was surprised the resorces my almost ex AH found when I completely let go. This disease creates a very craftly manipulative human.
Lots of us relate to the checking their breathing.
Let me ask you this, if he was in recovery, watching this, what do you believe he would want you to do?
Do you honestly believe he would want his disease to rob you guys of your financial security, your happiness etc?
This is where our taking care of ourselves is so important.
Unless you plan to lock him up, he is going to find ways to use.It is the disease.
How do we know if we let go that they will get sick and wake up and not like where they are? If you do as you suggested, he may hit some real affects he does not like and not want to continue to use.
And of course the disease may take his life. But isn't it anyway and pulling you all down too?
Again it is up to each person to decide.
My heart goes out to you and yours. It's so hard to watch this disease take people away we love so much.
I honestly believe, for me and for ones I love who have A's in their life, that we need to not allow the disease to kill us too. It does, it loves to pull everyone around them into the pit and suck us dry. Nature of the disease.
For me I had to learn the greatest love I had was in my letting him go.
Have you read, "Getting Them Sober?" This book is the one that helped me the most.
So glad you came here, keep coming back! love,debilyn
I just wanted to add my support and prayers to you and your family.
I have walked that road with my son and it is hard, painful and sad. Please pray about your decisions and know that this is a disease over which we are powerless.
Please come here and to Face to Face meetings for support
I'm glad you found this site. It has offered me a lot of support over the years, and hopefully I have been able to offer my experience, strength and hope to others as well.
You asked if there were those on this site who have watched a loved one die from this terrible disease. I am one of those that have watched my loved one die and there are others here as well.
I can't really offer you advice, only share my own experience.
My AH was a wonderful human being, struck down by his addiction to alcohol. We were together for over 25 years, 23 years married. Alcohol always was a problem, but it owned him for the last 6-7 years before he died.
Towards his end, there were several things that happened that gave me clues that his end was approaching. He began to bruise very easily. He would get very bad nose bleeds very often. His appetite got less and less. When he went into a withdrawal, they would take longer, be harder on him during and after the withdrawal. He lost at least 20 pounds. He had a feeling that something bad would happen. How did I respond to this?
I worked my program in al-anon, so I could be the best person I could be and allow him the dignity to live or die as he and his higher power chose. I offered him help frequently - 12th Step Call from AA, healthcare, rehab, food etc. Sometimes he took it, sometimes he did not.
Most importantly for me, I offered him my unconditional love. There were times where I would have expectations....do this and you will have my love. I learned I was forcing solutions, and I was not following my own heart. In the end it was, I hope and pray you will find and stay in recovery - I want to grow old with you. I love you. That's it.
As I look back, I can't say I would do anything differently except I wish I had gotten into al-anon faster and learned what I had to learn sooner. There were many years of total distress for both of us that came from my desire for control over my husband's choices. I guess I judst had to learn the hard way.
Please keep coming back, share your journey, and focus on your recovery from the affects of your father's alcoholism on your life.
I recently watched my alcoholic mother die of cirrhosis. She and my father were both very high-functioning alcoholics, so keeping a roof over their heads and food on the table was never a problem.
I saw her on her birthday and knew, without a doubt, that she would never see another birthday. She had suddenly lost a lot of weight, her skin was an awful greyish-green colour (she never had the yellow tinge of jaundice) and her abdomen was very swollen and high (ascites).
Two weeks later she was in ICU with esophageal bleeding from ruptured varices, and she never left the hospital. She died about 3 weeks later.
She had no other health concerns, however, so it is possible that your father's cardiovascular problems will weaken before his liver does. Alcohol seems to affect women a little differently than it does men, in the final stages. Men seem to be able to carry on much longer physically.
My father continues to drink, and now lives alone. He also has high blood pressure, and has had some issues with swelling in his feet. A few days ago I was at his home and rang the doorbell twice, with no response. So I expected the worst when I used my key to unlock the door. Turns out that the (remote) doorbell just needed a new battery. So I know about your trepidation in finding your father dead some day.
I have no other living family -- my father is it -- so I am determined to enjoy what I can of his company while it lasts. Al-Anon helps me to detach from the disease, and connect with the man.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I truly appreciate the support, perspectives, experience, and wisdom of all.
He did serve in the Air Force so I will certainly check with veteran's affairs - we had not thought of that. I know from a previous career that veterans affairs does some great work. He feels old (and is old beyond his years due to the disease) but hates the idea of anything resembling an 'old folks home'. He has few options left at this point and I know we do him no favours extending his avoidance of consequences. We need to find a way to allow him the dignity of his own self determination without endangering our own wellbeing any further.
I get so confused. I want him to be better. I get angry at his stupid pride that has been a road block to recovery all along. I get angry at him for drinking. I then realize that my anger is a product of my lack of power over the situation and that I am back at step one. If it is so hard for me I know it must be that much harder for him. I know my love should be unconditional, but I am so tired and frustrated, and my own life is just plain hard even without this.
Thank you all for the sharing, it really helps to hear how others have managed in their own struggles.
Aloha Jerry! Just got back from my first trip to Hawaii a few weeks ago. A great place with lots of friendly people.
