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I'm new on here, and looking for advice. I've not spent much time around alcoholics (that I knew of), and I'm not even clear on what makes someone an alcoholic. I've had a friend for several years, and he binge drinks sometimes. Mainly, I'm confused as to what to make of his behavior toward me. Has anyone out there fallen for someone like this?
Emotionally, he's somewhat disconnected. He's a very nice person, and a lot of fun to be around, but he rarely expresses unpleasant feelings at all (anger, sadness, etc.). I know sometimes when he needs to cry, he drinks. It's as if he can't access his feelings unless he's inebriated. We are very close friends, but when he drinks, he expresses something more. He becomes very affectionate, hits on me, compliments me, confides in me. I like him romantically, and I like the way he treats me when he's drunk. He kisses me. He invites me to do things with him, and then when he's sober, all the feelings he had toward me are gone. And often he doesn't even remember that anything happened. He knows how I feel about him, and I have told him that I do not want to be intimate with him 'just as a friend.' I've told him I do not consent to any 'romantic' activity unless he wants to date. Here's my dilemma: I can't always tell if he is sober or not. He's hit on me, and I've asked him if he knows what he's doing, etc. and he swears up and down that he means it, and he's cognizant of what he's doing. Then there's the next morning, when I find out he was drunk. Not only that, but he's forgotten everything that passed between the two of us. I feel stupid; this has happened to me several times. I've cried, gotten angry, but ultimately I am just so confused. It's like he's two entirely different people. One is my good friend; the other likes me back. I don't know which one is 'real.' When he's drunk, is he expressing his true feelings for me, or does this super nice guy become a manipulative sociopath? When he hits on me, and I respond, am I making an emotional connection or naively letting someone molest me? Has anybody had an experience like this? Is he an alcoholic?
In al-Anon we don't give advice we only offer our experience, strength, and hope. How alcoholism has affected us and how we have dealt with it. If your friend is an alcoholic and he does have many of the characterstics then you have to understand you are dealing with a disease. The disease takes over the mind, body and spirit of the alcoholic. It's best described and cunning--baffling --and powerful. Any relationship has it's ups and downs. A relationship with an alcoholic requires much more because unlike a normal relationship his disease is always in control whether he is drinking or not. As long as he continues to drink you will never be #1 in his life. Alcohol will always hold that spot.
I've been married to an active alcoholic for 18 yrs. I call it the "Triangle Effect"----I love her------ she loves alcohol---- and alcohol doesn't love either one of us. With the help of the program I am now able to separate the disease from the person. Hopefully you can do the same.
I can't give you the answers you need or answer the questions you asked. You are the only one who can do that. What I can tell you is the best place for you to find the answers you need. It's in the rooms of Al-Anon at a meeting near you. There you will find the understanding an support you need from members who have walked in your shoes. Keep coming back to the MIP board because there are members here with years of experience, and tons of strength and hope who will gladly give back what they have learned in the program.
More members will respond. It's late now so many more will respond tomorrow. Know we care about you----and most of all---- know that you are not alone anymore. Keep coming back !!
You're in the right place being here. I am glad you have found this group.
Being confused around an alcoholic is certainly normal. In al anon we adopt the 3 c's we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.
I hope you will find a way to get to meetings and learn more about this program. I don't doubt you will stop being confused and start being able to focus on yourself and taking care of your own needs. Keep us posted.
Hi Nowlater I don't think its possible to 'diagnose' alcoholism unless there are some real physical symptoms that result in hospitalisation, but that tends to be a long way down the line. It is a progressive illness that looks in many ways as normal fun drinking at the beginning. When I met met husband I drank with him. I tried for 25 years or more to diagnose him and to fix his demons for him. My husband worked full time in a responsible job. Nobody really understood what was going on. I tried very hard to keep everything normal and for the most part believed it was normal.
I began to doubt my own sanity. I lost me
My husband IS an alcoholic because HE chooses to use the label. My GP told me quite clearly that he wasn't alcoholic he was just a 'twit'.
The fact is I eventually couldn't live with his behaviour. What Alanon taught me is that its ok to make that my priority. It was ok to put my needs first. There are many who never leave their active alcoholics and thats fine too. They obviously can live with it all One day at a time. That doesn't make them stronger or more courageous it just makes them different to me. every situation is different.
Trying to MAKE him be anything other than what he really is really is a project that will never be successful. I know that now. I have to accept him how he is or walk away. Its all about choices. My views and outlooks are not his. My needs and concerns are mine and not his. His needs and disease are HIS and not mine to try and fix.
We learn in Alanon to live for ONE day only. So for the day I'm in, can I live with my husband???
5 years ago the answer to that question was no. That didn't mean I didn't love him, but I had to protect myself from him. Despite having 3 kids and a chronic illness I seperated from him. That was the best thing for me to do for me.
Today the answer is yes I can. 4 years ago his accepted his illness and sought help for it. Hes been in sobriety for 4 years on May 17th and we have been back in our marriage for 3. His sobriety was his choice and nothing to do with me. His behaviour is still full of anxieties and he can be difficult, but now, just for today I choose to be with him.
Alanon helps you to see your choices and what is right for you Good luck. Keep coming back. Serenity is what you will find if you work it
