The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This has been a long hard week and the end of the week is finally visible. Now for the tricky part. I need not carry the crap from this week into the next one. I can leave it here and move on, but I can keep and carry the lessons that I learned this week.
The danger of putting yourself out there and getting to know people and letting them get to know you is that you could end up getting hurt. I was hurt by someone who recently came into my life and I can carry that hurt with me or I can carry the lesson. The lesson is that once again I showed myself that I CAN do it. I CAN let someone in. What that person chooses to do after that point is entirely up to them and not in my hula hoop. I am making better choices in who I choose to let in or not. Even though the choices are always good I know that I learn to make good choices by making bad ones. So sooner or later I will see the good choices in people.
I can stay hurt and let that eat away at me, or I can give it to my HP and he is very willing and able to take it.
Tuesday I had an experience of being on someones 9th step list. My ex said he was working his steps with a sponsor and had amends to make. It was a horrible experience and was not a true 9th step, because it was very harmful to me. What he told me I didnt need to know and it really felt more like he was 5th stepping me and I am proud of how I handled the situation. I told him how hurt I was and that I didnt think this was something he should be telling me. Of course there were rationalizations and justifications from him on why I needed to know. By the grace of my HP I was able to keep my mouth shut after that and didn't say anything I will have to make amends for.
Once again I can choose to carry that hurt with me or I can let it go. The lesson, I learned how not to do a 9th step. So when I get there (and I am on step 8) I will hopefully not do something harmful to the person I need to make amends to. I need to remember that I can make amends without making a direct amends if necessary.
Wednesday I found out that the State of Washington is cutting the budget and the program that I coordinate through our Department of Commerce is being suspended state wide. Translation, I may not have a job after June 30th of this year. As a single mother this is something terrifying to me. I love my independence and have worked really hard to get where I am today.
I can live in fear and worry about tomorrow or I can lean on my HP and ask for guidance. This doesn't have to be a bad thing I can choose to make it that way if I want to. I have had more than enough negativity in my life, so I choose to look for the positive. I have a few ideas of what I could do if I do lose my job. Social services is a very much needed position in my community, but sadly the money just isnt there. So I am praying for guidance that I do his will not mine. I know where my will takes me.
There are some other things that have hit me this week health wise and from my biological family. I don't have to let that stuff bring me down either. I can choose my attitude..that is in my control. Today I am choosing to have an attitude of gratitude and remembering to listen for the answers that I am asking for.
I did a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself this week and that just left me feeling miserable. I am making major changes in my life right now and while I still kept up with the eating right and going to the gym it didn't help me to feel better because my head was still in a bad spot. Even in that I can see a lot of positives. I felt very empty this week and in the past would have used food to help me feel not so empty. Instead I went to the gym and killed myself with cardio. Nothing like being stinky and dripping with sweat to make a girl feel good :P
When I change the way I look at things the things I look at change. If I look for negativity I will find it. If I look for positives and fabulous growth opportunities I will find those.
Thanks for being here.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
-- Edited by Mandy123 on Friday 7th of May 2010 11:52:48 AM
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
"I need not carry the crap from this week into the next one."
Okay I'm willing to try that one myself rather than to continue to stack reading material and crossword puzzles around my pity potty. I won't stay here and move on myself. Mahalo Mandy.
Sad to hear so many things are hitting you at once! Yes that making amends thing doesn't seem to be what it is meant to be. That is not making amends by hurting another person, in fact that is the opposite.
You will figure out the career thing. I know you will work to find another position. I also know that gut aching fear. I was a single mom too, supporting my two kiddos.
I finally stopped listening to all the political bs and took things as they came. Found after umteenth times that I was suppose to learn something in order to stop that fear. So I gave it up and took a day at a time. Nothing ever happened in 18 years.
Also working school to a different school every year or so, I would constantly be called into the P's office for something I was suppose to do at one school yet at another the opposite.
I am very efficient, so this drove me batty. I finally learned to do what was right and to heck with them. Just did not care anymore.
I know for me, I would think about ok if I only had this much money on unemployment how would I budget, or what could I do to get us thru.
Made me feel better to have a plan.
but again I hope you keep going as best you can, not let all this eatcha up! love,debilyn
Thank you so very much for your share. Exactly what I needed to hear.
As for your employment, you are in my prayers. Things have a way of working themselves out, one way or another. But as a single Mom as well - I am right there with you. Good job on focusing on today. Sometimes these situations are launching pads into something so much better.
You are doing wonderfully and thank you for being a good example of where I want to be emotionally. You sound very strong - even in your crying and feeling sorry for yourself - which we all need to do from time to time. It is how long we do it and what we do after that matters. Lessons . . . I love your approach.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Way to go for such a positive attitude! I've prayed several times in the last couple of days for my HP to help change my attidude because my attitude SUCKED! I think my HP sends me blessings through other people - your post is helping me change my attitude right now!
