I met my alcoholic girlfriend from England three years ago, when I was still living in Norway. We met online, so for the first two months or so our only contact was through internet and phone calls. She told me that she was in AA and that she had been sober for 5 years at that time. I remember thinking that this made her an incredible strong person.

I knew what alcoholism was very well when it came to still drinking alcoholics. My family shared a country house in Norway with my Uncle and Aunt. They were almost always drunk! I think my parents was trying to prevent me and my sister from taking notice too much, but ignoring loud alcoholics in the same house is not possible. I heard and saw things that made me very aware of what alcohol can do to a person. That was at least what I thought for a long time, that it is the alcohol that causes that disease. Now I know better. The alcohol is just a symptom of the disease.

The first year I dated my girlfriend I tried to get into her problem. She was still going to AA after so much time! At first I didn't understand why she was not cured yet. I tried to reason with her and fix her thinking so many times. I went to many open AA meetings to find out what it was all about. I could not understand why she sometimes was completely blind for her own negative thinking without other alcoholics to point it out.

Although all this always have affected our relationship I grew to love her so much and I still do. I moved to England to study almost two years ago, thinking that our relationship would just get better and better the closer we could be.

This has not been the case. Last summer my girlfriend fell back into old behavior, relapsed (not on alcohol, but drugs and pot) and got together with a man she met at an AA meeting. The whole thing came as a shock to me. I was in Norway over the summer, we had plans of moving in together and everything was going to be so good when I could go back to England. Then one morning she called me and said that she had met a guy, gone with him home and slept with him. He was also the guy to provide her with drugs. I felt like the world was ripping apart. I went into a heavy depression myself and used half of my summer job savings in therapy. The relationship between my girlfriend and this new guy lasted a month and a half and ended in one overdose for my girlfriend and lots of pain that she still struggle with.

When I started my studies after the summer, she slowly got back into AA and even though she didnt relapse on Alcohol, resetting her sobriety date. She also got back with me. It was not easy to forgive, but I saw what the whole episode did to her and know that this was not something she intentionally did towards me.

Lately the relationship has been very turbulent. Although I thought I had accepted her disease and learned how to live with it, I still try to rush things, take control and change her ways.

Two weeks ago I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. This has been suggested to me many times before, but I have always thought that it was for family of still drinking alcoholics and not for me. But I did meet people that are and have been in similar situations as myself. After the meeting I thought that this was the way to fix the relationship, but two days later I had an argument with my girlfriend and she broke up with me. She says that we should at least have some time apart now because we are both going trough things that require our full attention. She has just started doing her steps in AA over again with her sponsor and I am preparing for exams.

The deal between us now, is to wait and see. We might get back together and we might not. I find this unbearable to live with. She has been talking about that maybe we should just be friends.

I always predict the future. And Im always wrong.

Despite the breakup or break, I went to my second meeting yesterday. Im now trying to say to myself that I go to the meetings first of all for my own sake.

After the meeting yesterday, I wrote a list of similarities I have seen so far and one of why I go to Al-Anon and now I thought I could share this with you. I see the need for change, and I think I have knowledge about a lot of what to change, but not how too.

Hoping Al-Anon can help.

Key situations which I recognize myself in by looking at the Al-Anon stories and literature

·        I am in close relations to an alcoholic in recovery.

·        I have often tried to fix my alcoholic myself.

·        I have tried to change both behaviour and thinking of my alcoholic.

·        I fail to see what is important in my own life when my alcoholic is going through a rough time.

·        I thought I had accepted that alcoholism is a disease that cant be cured, but am now realizing that this is not the case.

·        I keep repeating myself to my alcoholic. Stating something once should be sufficient.

·        I have lied to others to paint a better picture of me and my Alcoholic.

·        I have felt embarrassed of my Alcoholics behaviour.

·        I feel more alive during crisis.

·        I sometimes have problems understanding that the recovery comes before me for my Alcoholic.

Why I go to Al-Anon.

·        I believe that my actions can make things worse for my alcoholic.

·        I want to learn how to accept that there are things I cannot change.

·        I want to feel more in touch with my higher power. I believe in a higher power, but find it hard to see a direct link between me and my higher power.

·        I want to learn how to accept and let go of the things I cannot change and hand it over to my higher power.

·        By looking at my own life since I started in Al-Anon I can see that I am not well myself. I want to find a way to live a normal life less dependent on my Alcoholic and be able to give more to myself and others.

·        I am always ready to change my plans for my alcoholic like an emergency unit. This has felt almost like a duty to me. I am now starting to realize that my Alcoholic is probably better off without this.

·        I want to listen to other people with similar experiences as myself and be able to share about my progress and failures.

·        I want to be able to live in the moment and not predicting the future.

·        Maybe all my problems I want to address are built on fear. I wish to let things come naturally, loose my fears and thereby get rid of the need of being in control.

·        The emotions I struggle most with is fear, frustration and stress. I used to be a very calm person although I have always had problems when it comes to getting things my way.  I hope that by working a programme in Al-Anon can make me a calmer person.

·        A relationship with my Alcoholic have built up some parts of my self esteem and torn apart others. I hope that I can restore balance in believing in myself.

·        I hope to be able to find a sponsor I feel comfortable with and work the steps. I believe this could be beneficial for me first of all, but also increase my understanding for my Alcoholics recovery.

·        If Al-Anon works for me and it turns out to be a new long term part of my life I hope I can give something back to other Al-Anon members.