The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've thought about Al-Anon for a while now, but I haven't been sure if I belong here. I know you get lots of new members and stories all the time, and you probably hear the same thing over and over again though we all probably think our story is unique. However, I'd appreciate it if you'd be willing to take a look at mine and give me a reality check of what I might be dealing with.
I've been married for 11 years to a man who I'm not sure is alcoholic or not. What I can say for sure is that his drinking has caused some tension between us in the last couple of years. I just don't know if that is my problem, or his.
I'm not an anti-drinker or anything, and I drink occassionally myself, but very rarely to the point of drunkenness. But my husband's drinking makes me uncomfortable, because he usually DOES drink to the point of drunkenness (which starts at about the 5-6 drinks level.) It's very rare that he can bring home a case of beer and NOT drink the whole thing in one sitting, even if it's a 12-pack. He just can't seem to not drink whatever he has on hand.
I've told him his drinking makes me uncomfortable, mostly because once he reaches that point of actual drunkenness, his behavior changes a little. He acts silly, sometimes embarrassing, and then on top of it he gets REALLY sensitive to any expression (even nonverbal) of disapproval on my part. Some people might say it's just silliness or normal tipsiness, but I actually find it repugnant and repulsive, and then I feel sad or angry that he's not the man I actually love and who I chose to marry. On the other hand, I feel guilty that I find him repulsive when he's drinking, and wonder if I'm overreacting. We've also had a couple of screaming fights when he's drunk (not really like us), which only further puts me on high alert when I sense that he's drinking.
For a while, I sank into the harpy/police role and nagged him about his drinking. It only made him feel guilty and try to hide it from me. I realized how counterproductive that was, so for many months now I've just totally let go of that, and I keep telling myself he's an adult and can do what he wants with his drinking.
Further complicating things, he comes from a culture where heavy drinking is not seen as problematic until someone gets diseased or seriously injured. This kind of attitude is foreign to me, and it scares me. We both come from families that have some history of alcoholism, but my immediate family are very light drinkers.
At this point, he drinks moderately, maybe once a week (for a while it was several times a week, but he's been trying to cut down I think, and not at my request, just on his own.)
I appreciate any feedback you can give me, and whether you think Al-Anon is the place for me. I've had equal numbers of people tell me that it's HIS problem vs. MY problem, so I'm pretty confused.
Furthermore, if this really IS the early stages of alcoholism, what can I do?
-- Edited by wunderbar on Thursday 6th of May 2010 02:08:07 PM
Wunderbar, Welcome to MIP....so glad you found us.
Do you belong here? Is someone else's drinking affecting you? If you answered yes to this question (which based on your post you did) then welcome to the family because you very much belong here.
The person drinking doesn't have to admit they are an alcoholic heck they don't even have to be an alcoholic.....the thing is it bothers us.
Now what can you do.....get to meetings, learn more about the family disease of alcholism, you are more than welcome to continue coming to this board, get a sponsor, work the steps and learn to focus on you and try not to focus on him.
He is going to continue drinking or not with or without you saying anything....the question is what are you going to do?
Hope to see you around.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Sounds to me like you are exactly where you need to be.....you are in two seperate stages his disease and your diseasel You can not control his drinking habbits, he is on his own there...stopping the nagging is smart on your part it doesn't help and just makes you crazy.
Alcoholics are great at hiding, lying, fooling us but in the end it all comes out. Try and find a local alanon group near you...go to a meeting anf see if it helps you...there are meetings here twice a day....keep coming back.....we have all been where you are and you are not alone.
HAS YOUR LIFE BECOME UNMANAGABLE??????
Keep coming back, look forward to hearing from you again. Andrea
Thanks you guys. I will definitely be sticking around. I've been reading the old threads, which is really illuminating. I might get some books at some point, but this board feels like a good start so far.
The idea of focussing on my own issues is really comforting. It's nice to think that letting go of responsibility for his choices isn't selfish, but rather it's part of taking care of myself, and even a kindness to him.
I just wanted to join the group that welcomed you to Alanon and MIP.
So glad you read the board and could identify with the postings and messages. It is important to know you are not alone and that there is help and hope.
Please keep coming back and sharing.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 6th of May 2010 04:54:20 PM
Aloha Wunderbar...Welcome from the Pacific Rim of MIP...You have accurately described my history also and it qualified me for Al-Anon and MIP too. The suggestions that saved my mind and life were Al-Anon meetings, literature, sit down, listen, learn and practice what I was getting from the meetings and most importantly get a Higher Power greater than alcoholism, the alcoholic and yourself to rely on in your life. The three Cs of Al-Anon are You didn't Cause it...cannot Control it...cannot Cure it...so that excludes you as a higher power and you must find a power greater than alcoholism or the alcoholic which I found use to control my life at all times until program.
