The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm trying to focus soley on this program (which has been a God sent).... I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with setting boundaries, allowing A to see our kids w/o him taking advantage of the situation, detaching myself from his issues and focusing on mine = ) I'm sure I'm not the only one on here that needs to put A LOT of energy in doing this since I have major co-dependency issues and a "fix it" mentality...
My goal is to have me work on myself with the hopes that A will work on himself then we can get counseling and work on the relationship... If A doesn't get the help he needs then relationship is over no need for counseling... Mind you I'm not dwelling on the outcome just focusing on the now....
With all of that said now I feel like I'm getting controlled by my family = ( Everything I do especially concerning the A is under a microscope and if it's not to their liking they have no problem voicing it... I sometimes feel like I just left a controlling situation only to be replaced by another...
Has anyone else had problems like this? I know the intention is good but in the mean time it's driving me crazy and making me lose focus on how I feel....
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
I have had a lot of issues with my family trying to get into my business. I've had to change the way I interact with them, what I choose to tell them, and how I respond when my parents start telling me what I should do. For me, I stopped calling them to talk about stuff related to my marriage. Period. Maybe everyone doesn't have to do that, but I had to. I started talking to my sponsor when I needed to instead of my parents. Second, if they ask questions, I give a broad and short answer without details, or say that I don't want to talk about it if I don't want to talk about it. Last, if they just start telling me what they think about my decisions or what I should do, I usually listen politely until the end of a sentence so I don't interrupt, and then say thank you, but I would really like to figure it out on my own.
I think they try to get in my business a lot less now that they've come up against the boundaries a few times. It's definitely waaaay better.
One very important thing I learned here is this, "We teach others how to treat us."
I would not share anything with my family. If they say something I immediately say, I appreciate you want to help, however I can take care of this myself.
Also if you have a family member who will comply, we can always tell someone we need only someone to listen, we don't need anyone else to solve it for us.
That way it does not hurt anyones feelings as you are a grown up now and letting them know that.
AH and I went to counseling with a person who was in Al anon, so it was very helpful. The AH learned how a person can be when not an addict using. Those skills helped him to grow up.
I stopped speaking with my family about my AH. I now am in counseling and speak with my counselor about the issues I have with my AH. when I can't speak with my counselor, I either come here, even if its just to read the posts or I journal what I am feeling. (still trying to find time to get to Al Anon meetings). I feel like I have complained and cried to my family so much, I am like a broken record. Now when I speak with my family, its about good things and not about him, its about me and my son. Looking towards a brighter future.
-- Edited by Rose on Thursday 6th of May 2010 12:11:53 PM
What has helped me in these situations and in all my affairs is to let my business be my business. I make exception to that rule only in the safe rooms of Al-Anon or when I am talking with my sponsor. I learned that the hard way years ago. I only talk with people who have been there and understand. You received some wonderful ES&H from other members of MIP in their responses.
Keep working your program and like you state in your Bio----- One day you want to change your name form "Hopeless" to "Hopeful".----------I see that coming very soon.
HUGS In Your Recovery, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 6th of May 2010 12:57:08 PM
I have learned to watch what I say and don't say to my family. They don't have any knowledge of the family disease and are not interested in learning. They are going to say things, do things and react and I can't control it. I can only control me and I am responsible for what I say, what I do and how I react.
Talking to my al-anon family has really helped me a lot. They "get" me and I don't get any adivce....that isn't what alanon is about. What I get is far better I get experience, strength and hope. I only get that from my program family.
You are on the right path...focusing on you and the kids. Keep up the good work.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Until you live it u just don't understand it. People can look into your life and think they get it but honestly they just can't.
You will learn to just listen and ignore...take what you need and leave the rest. I hope and pray you get control back of your life and every day is a small step in the right direction.
