Hi-My story - Al-Anon Family Group

Nalina · Veteran Member

Hi-My story

Nalina · Veteran Member

What I meant was: if I am NOT fixing my own self and my depression that this is causing me...then, I will need to leave.

And....I dont want to, I dont want to, I dont want to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want things to be perfect, and balanced, and healthy...DAMMIT....I deserve it!!!!!!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Nalina...the amount of sadness the disease of alcoholism creates is boundless.
Sadness is what brings us together where we can support each other and share in
a recovery from withing the Al-Anon Family Groups. I have worn your shoes and
also wanted to be an example of a proper drinker and person for my alcoholic wife.
I didn't understand anything about alcoholism at all and in time in program learned
about it...her's and mine.

Since alcohol "owns" him and also you there is no example from you that he will learn.
The best example he could have is another recovering drunk and you find them in the
rooms of AA...Alcoholics Anonymous.

Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and that is my best expectation
of it. I suggest that you get the hotline number for the Al-Anon central office in your
area and the meeting times and places where you can go and sit in so that you can
listen and learn what it is that you can do mostly for yourself. There you will find
others just like yourself and us who have been where you are at now and have been
able to change what they can about it in order to find happiness.

Making the decision to be in a relationship married or not with an alcoholic is just one
decision. What you decide to do after that is most important. This is a non-curable,
mind and mood altering chemical that affects everyone it comes in contact with and
if not arrested by total abstinence with get progressively worse and can and has
resulted in insanity and death (not only of the alcoholic).

Keep coming back...more is coming (((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Nalina , welcome to the board and alanon.

I relate to everything you are saying and know exactly what you are going thru.
Nobody can advise you on what you should do. We can only share our experiences with you.
We have all loved an alcoholic. They are great at hiding their disease. Perhaps its their
denial and they do lie.

I lived with and loved my x alcholic husband for 26 years. Sometimes it was pure joy and
sometimes pure hell. This ride is a roller coaster of events that will shake up your life.
whether you decide to take a drop of liquor or not wont matter to the A. We just try not
drink with them. This program is about ourselves and yes you are right , you cant fix them
but this disease is cunning and will pull you in if you let it.
You are in the right place and this board will be immensely helpful to you. Also, if you can
find a face to face alanon meeting in your area. They say only the A can admit to being
an A, but it appears that you are already being affected by whats going on.

Read the alanon material and try to focus on yourself and keep coming back. Don't
take this disease on by yourself. We are here to help. Dont hesitate to turn our way.
Wishing you hope and strength. Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 5th of May 2010 01:10:12 PM

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP! You will learn alot from Alanon. It is sad, it is a surprise, they are wonderful, but they have the disease of alcoholism. It is disappointing to find that the love of your life is an alcoholic. The hopes, the dreams, and the history together. I have known my AHsober for almost forty years. All the major events in my life were with him. He left. I don't want to end my marriage. I don't think I have a choice.

In support,
Nancy

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Nalina -- you are in the right place.

Getting to know someone deep down always comes with things we didn't know beforehand. Otherwise we'd just meet someone and marry them the same day!

I know that same feeling you describe. I had the ultimate fairytale romance with my ex. There were so many magical moments and amazing coincidences. I'd tell people and they'd say, "That should be a novel -- except it's so perfect no one would believe it."

It was hard to let real life into that story and acknowledge that the ending wasn't as perfect as the beginning. That indeed we were real people, each bringing our own set of problems into the mix, and not fairytale figures. The way I finally sort of solved it was by remembering what someone said -- that just because it ends doesn't mean it was a failure. Not that I'm forecasting anything for yours -- except that I'm sure alcoholism wasn't in the script, as you've discovered already.

The hard fact that no one told me is that around 75% of alcoholics never recover. The other 25% have to try very hard -- and first they have to acknowledge that there is a problem. And that happens on their own time line (typically extremely slowly), not on ours, sadly.

There's a tendency to think that there's the "real him" and then the "false alcoholic him," as if the alcoholic him is just an illusion. But if he has a drinking problem, it's a real part of him. And he'll always be an alcoholic, drinking or not drinking. So when you say, "He's everything I've ever wanted" -- remember that probably what you always wanted was "someone who could stop drinking." And that's not him. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. It took me so long to get my mind around that part of things.

If you have a happy life and you like where things are going, that's a good reason to stay with him. But paying money to get out of the lease -- your well-being is more important than your lease or your money. Please do take care of yourself, whatever that looks like.

Someone once quoted a good question on these boards -- "If you knew that your life would be the same way it is today in two years, would you change things, or keep them the same?" That's something to think about. The odds are overwhelming that he will be the same in two years. Many people do okay living with drinking alcoholics. So you have to assess how well you might be able to do that.

Please don't be discouraged by my words. A face-to-face meeting would be a great resource for you. The great thing about alcoholism is that this gives us a push to work on ourselves, and that can work miracles. Please keep coming back.

adonaisgirl · Veteran Member

Nalina wrote:

I am just devestated.

Precious one you are worth more than you think and are stronger than you think.
get some al-anon literature and read how others JUST LIKE YOU made choices and decisions that gave them a peaceful/workable life. Find a f2f meeting and make friends who will understand your situation and not condemn you for being in the middle of it.

Stick around and in a few months you will be suprised at how different YOU feel!
As is heard at meetings sometimes... If the program doesn't work for you your misery will be cheerfully refunded!.... IT WORKS!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The craving to control alcoholism is so strong that a lot of times we delude ourselves into thinking we can affect it. But the three C's of Al-Anon are: we didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. Even if you were the sexiest woman in history, even if you were perfect beyond any human capacity, it wouldn't matter one bit. Alcoholics have special wiring which means that once they're ensnared by alcohol, they're obsessed with it, and their absolute top priority is getting more alcohol. Denial comes along with it -- the disease protects itself. Often that denial means that they blame their drinking on external things -- "If only X hadn't happened, if only Y didn't tempt me, if only you were more Z, I wouldn't have to drink." Sometimes they say it outright, sometimes they just feel it and we can tell, sometimes it's just an explanation we say in our own imaginations because we want so much for there to be an external reason, because then maybe there can be an external cure.

But the inability to stop drinking comes from inside them. They can't change it just by adjusting things in their everyday life -- even if they wanted to, which they rarely do.

I know the temptation to blame it on yourself. But this is no more your fault than a rainstorm or the size of your boyfriend's feet. It's frustrating that we can't change it. But the good news is that we can change ourselves -- for the good of our own lives.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate very much to your story of great sacrifice, enormous commitment, betrayal and impasse.

I'm glad you are here. Al anon can help you immensely. No one here is going to say stay/leave. The tools can help you deal with your current situation, whatever happens. You can learn detachment, focusing on yourself and working on taking care of yourself.

I'm glad you are here. If you have a chance apply for the book offered at the top of the page, Getting them Sober will help you immensely.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Maresie.

Nalina · Veteran Member

Thanks to everyone again.

He is the kind of guy that everyone always loves.
He is gentle and attentive and loving and a hopeless romantic and charming and someone that I know would make a wonderful husband and father = in the absense of alcohol. :(

Looking back over the past 3 months, I can tell that I have gone in and out of my own denial as he goes in and out of his benders.

I will definitely look into purchasing the book "Getting them sober" and also the other one I've seen mentioned on here several times "Women who love too much".

................And yes, what I really want is someone who can stop drinking.....but I want it to be him.........which creates a problem in itself, because I am in love with him body and soul.
That is what makes it such a difficult thing to handle with such hard decisions to make.

Thanks again

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Nalina

Welcome to MIP you have been given some great information and I know it is hard to hear and difficult to process. We all understand the kind of love you describe and the desire to have this person recovered is familar.

The disease of Alcoholism is very cunning and powerful. It not only hurts the alcoholic but as you have noted, everyone around the individual

Alanon suggests that alcoholism is a disease and that we did not cause this disease, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it.

Alanon and this board are excellent resources that will enable you to find HOPE and TOOLS so you can live your life even though the alcoholic is still drinking.

The tools: Meetings, Living one Day at a Time, Focusing on Yourself, Sharing will give you the means to live your life without anger and resentment.

    Many of us who have lived with Alcoholism in our lives have been affected by it without even realizing it ourselves. Not just in the sense of having to put up with the alcoholics behavior, but in the sense that we ourselves have become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it. Having our own program of recovery allows us to take the focus off of the things in our lives, which we cannot control, such as the actions of others, and onto the things in our lives, which we CAN control, our actions, our thoughts, and our happiness.

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:            http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page. After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

PLease keep coming back There is Hope

Nalina · Veteran Member

Everyone here has been soooo wonderful and helpful.
Thank you all, once again.
It really does help!

I researched f2f meetings in my new area 2 months ago and just have not allowed "reality" to sink in enough to go yet. I was hoping it was just a couple of rough spots that would smoothe themselves out once he and I were settle in a little more.
I came here first hoping that it would provide a little motivation, and it definitely has.

I read something on the board this morning about treating them as if they are already dead. That really hit me hard because I honestly kind of feel like I am in mourning right now. I am THAT saddened.......I guess maybe that is the veil of denial being ripped off of my face.

I was in my bathroom on my knees this morning, crying into a towel with my face on the toilet. I have been crying everyday for almost 2 weeks now. It's like a leaky faucet that I can't shut off, but I try not to let him see me or hear me.
Apparently, the sounds were not being muffled enough and he came into the bathroom. He said he feels like I have been hiding something from him for the past few days (ever since I started reading this forum I have detached).
I told him that I am very depressed and that he can't fix me. I told him it is something I will have to work out on my own and for him to please bare with me.

I wanted so much to say once again: Things are terrible between us and your alcoholism is killing our relationship.....but, I didn't. I don't know what to say.
I don't know what words will be enabling and honestly, this "detaching"...it feels so cold and distant and so far away from the kind of intimate relationship that I desire.

I wish he could read all of this. I wish that if he did read all of this that it would change things.

Thanks for listening.

zhotdogs99 · Member

Nalina,

It seems like so many of us have similar stories to tell. Many of us fall in love with these larger than life people that are so warm and so full of vitality that we are drawn to them. Then we find out what's beneath the surface. My story reflects your very closely - I'd dated my A fiance for three years in college. We lost touch after graduation and several years past before a chance meeting rekindled our romance. It was fairytale as you said - we'd never forgotten the other, we both envisioned a life together. After a year of long distance, he proposed and I moved across the country to be with him and work for his family business. As soon as I moved in a year ago I immediately learned that he had a problem with alcohol.

Definitely start going to Alanon meetings. That has changed my life. Before it I thought I was going crazy and like I didn't have any options because I loved this man with all my heart and wanted a life together - just not one with alcohol. Since then I've gathered the strength to cancel our wedding.

It takes time to come to terms with and really accept the reality of the disease. I have not left my A fiance - trying to work things out - but have let go of the future I thought we would have. Give yourself time to mourn over that loss of future you thought you would have with him and don't rush into any big decisions. As your understanding of alcoholism develops you will start to sort out what you *NEED* versus what you *WANT* in your life.

Something that my fellow Alanoners tell me often is, "Sometimes not making a decision is a decision". You will do what you have to do eventually, your sanity will demand it.

Stay strong, take care of yourself.

Nalina · Veteran Member

Thank you all, so very much, for the replies.

I agree, this disease does and is causing very much sadness and disappointment and worry and suspicion and mistrust and insanity...(just to name a few).

What really hurts is the idea that I can't do anything to help the situation.
You know: If only I do more loving things, If only I cater to his needs a little more,
If only I can figure how to satisfy him in everyway possible, If only I figure out how to be the most confident and sexy woman that he could ever find.........

It makes me feel like I'm not good enough sometimes, like....if he REALLY loved me then he would WANT to please me by not drinking.
It makes me feel as if maybe, once he moved me here; that he realized he didn't love me and that's making him drink more.

No, I am not happy. I am miserable and lonely in a new place where I don't know anyone.
I just feel like........I am hoping that it gets better. That's all..................
No more holes in the wall, No more sleeping alone in our bed because he's drunk.
NO MORE, please!
I understand that it is a part of who he is, however; these things only occur in relation to alcohol.

Knowing him my entire life, watching him grow-up, knowing his "Core-Character"; It is just plain as day to me seeing the alcohol warping his true-self and keeping him from being the person that I know and love.

I am just devestated.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Nalina wrote:

Thank you all, so very much, for the replies.

I agree, this disease does and is causing very much sadness and disappointment and worry and suspicion and mistrust and insanity...(just to name a few).

It makes me feel like I'm not good enough sometimes, like....if he REALLY loved me then he would WANT to please me by not drinking.
It makes me feel as if maybe, once he moved me here; that he realized he didn't love me and that's making him drink more.

No, I am not happy. I am miserable and lonely in a new place where I don't know anyone.
I just feel like........I am hoping that it gets better. That's all..................
No more holes in the wall, No more sleeping alone in our bed because he's drunk.
NO MORE, please!
I understand that it is a part of who he is, however; these things only occur in relation to alcohol.

Nalina

The above statement is what alanon tools will help you to address. This is our alanon disease in action.

Meeting will give you the tools to enjoy keeping the Focus on Yourself and the ability to take action so as not to feel miserable, and lonely regardless if the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

You do not have to be miserable Please keep coming back

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 8th of May 2010 09:12:19 AM

tlcate · Senior Member

Hello Nalina,

I am so glad you found us, welcome to the family.

I hope you do get a chance to go to a f2f meeting. For me it was an opportunity to jump and and down (not literally), cry, scream and just get my frustrations out with people who understood - then it was "Ok, take a deep breath... now what am I going to do?". Al-Anon often recommends that you do nothing for a while, and for me that was time to get some sanity back so I could make decisions based from a healthier place.

So for me - just having all this confusion, frustration, hurt etc. bouncing around in my brain and crashing into each other - letting that calm down, learning how to detach with love, learning more about the suffering of alcoholism, and most importantly - learning how to love myself enough and want to take care of myself above all others (with the exception of my child) made the decisions moving forward easier. I often did the enabling, forgiving abuse etc. out of fear of the pain that would ensue if I didn't. Then I had the opportunity to really sit down and look at the resulting pain of doing the same things over and over vs. taking care of me. The fear was false (False Evidence Appearing Real). Taking care of me almost always turns out well. It may not have been comfortable, especially for others, but it was such a better outcome for me - making the right decisions and avoiding unhealhty behavior and walking toward healthy - being healthy. It felt foreign - and sometimes still does. But for me it took a little time to gather myself together, learn behaviors and thinking I have never even considered before, and then integrating those into my life slowly but surely. Finding a sponsor and working the 12 steps was wonderful - and I am on my second go round.

We are so glad you are here. Please keep coming back.

Tricia

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.