The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The major surgery was last Monday. So far it is fine. I will warn you, rotator cuff surgery is horribly painful and you should not be alone!
Plus they make it a one day surgery. I had to go back to er the night I got out to get a pain shot! Never was talked to by the doctor, got zero post op directions! When I sobered up a bit, I got online and figured it out for myself. gads. then they give me an app. almost a month away! I changed that, got sober some again and called them when I was in horrible pain. idiots....
I do something that I need to change. I used to be so anxious my Daddy would forget my bday back when I celebrated them. It almost ruined the happiness until he let me know he remembered.
dumb I know. I knew no one else would forget.
This all goes together somehow...
Ok now I only told my adoptive dad, and my manfriend who is in another state, and my son, I was having this surgery. Did not tell my friends or daughter., daughter lives a couple hours away, son has a job he has to be there. Plus I feel I stress him.
I had a sister from my JW friends take me and pick me up.
I must have called my daughter and told her after. (I was on major pain meds) She did not realize how serious trouble I was in. Brings up some question that got us into it. ? I don't ever know what. I told her I am in no condition to really even talk.
We are ok. But I think I called my son when I got home. Told him I was home and ok. He said I thought you said the 26th, said today is the 26th. I was in so much pain and am not sure what I said but he blew up and said he was not taking this and was very awful so I hung up. no have not heard from him.
Believe me it hurt. He has this thing that I should not have my place and animals, etc. when I cannot take care of them. (this is rarely, if ever after a surgery) Whick makes no sense. We should all not have a life in case we break a leg or something and cannot take care of things.
He does not get that.says do you need to be in a nursing home or what?? I have NO idea where that comes from, he knows what I do and can do. People get hurt and sick and get up and go again!
So my daughter, says Mom you don't have to decided for everyone what they do or do not want to do. That they are adults and can decide for themselves. meaning everyone. I am so afraid of being a burden I make sure I won't be, thereby not allowing anyone else to feel the goodness of giving.
She tells me you know you would do anything for anyone. true
I blow things up before they blow up as I know they are going to blow up.
Hope someone gets this. I am so nuts.My friend sent me some beautiful flowers. (o: boy that helped me big time. dad calls and checks on me and says let me know what you need or want.
so I did not give anyone a chance to help me with even a card. Which would help.
Ok now here I go. I let that crap go with A. I trusted him 100%. And he me. He always came home when he said he would, if he couldn't, he called. He was always bringing me things, natural jewelry, flowers, plants, cards, antique things, a neat antique wood burner, a whole van load of plants and flowers!!
He never forgot me. I KNEW he wouldn't as I never forgot him. Well look how that turned out.
I did not know about Al Anon then.
so I told one friend. she said she would be up here sat I think it was. no show,no call. she had called me a couple days. I just sent her a text asking her.
I just said in my head, well didn't think she would really come up.
Maybe I am more damaged than I thought. l told daughter how I did not know what makes son so freaked out and stressed over things he cannot control, she says MOM we are like that becuz you were like that.
omg she is right. I was always afraid. alone widowed at 27, no job no nothing. No matter what I did I was always afraid. would cocoon up in a ball in my bed. no kidding. over sensitive, so emotional. I worked hard, we had a nice little house, always has a new vehicle as I decided the two most important things they needed besides love etc, was a good house and transport.
They had all their needs and most wants met and both were not afraid to work.
forgive me this is solong and may not make sense. woke up pretty sick today. I hate pain med.
With my A was probably the first time I realy let go and allowed myself to feel secure. first time i trusted anyone other than my mother.
would love your thoughts, even if it to shut up and go back to bed!~debilyn
Needing help can feel so stressful -- even though it is basically the human condition.
When you are back to rights, this might be a good situation to go over with a sponsor -- what help it is fair to ask for, or fair to expect, or fair to mention. I think the way most of us grew up, we have our help-meters out of whack. It's hard to know when other people are being unreasonable and when we ourselves are.
But when you're recovering from a major operation is especially the time to take care of yourself. All the worries and the emotional work will wait for you to be better, when you can get at them. I can see you trying to figure it all out. That makes sense because that's how we've always tried to protect ourselves -- being on top of everything, being one step ahead. But you don't have to be in control of the whole universe right now, even in control of understanding what's going on with your kids and in your own mind. Wait until the rest of life is calm. Take care of yourself now. Hugs.
"I am so afraid of being a burden I make sure I won't be, thereby not allowing anyone else to feel the goodness of giving." LD
"I blow things up before they blow up as I know they are going to blow up." LD
I used to do this too, it sounds like self sabatoge to me. You not "letting" others give to you or help you, doesnt just stop them from giving but it stops you from receiving, why keep punishing yourself? When I realized I was perpetuating the abuse from others, with myself - it was self abuse. The past was long gone but I was still making it a reality by bringing it into now.
Like u saying, when ur dad forgot ur bday, u were a wreck until he acknowledged you even though others remembered. Again, I used to do this too - stare at the one thing that was hurting me, all the while ignoring the kindnesses from others. Cant take a compliment - I will tell you, ur wrong but man I will fixate on the one negative remark or incident.
What we focus on, grows.
What helped me, was to realize that everyone has thier own lives (even your kids, who are adults and who need to take responsibility for themselves). My mom is codie too, but as an adult I found recovery, that was my choice and I own my life. You cannot be responsibel for your kids, for thier feelings or issues. You can only change you. You can however be a role model for recovery, self love and detachment (un-enmeshment) and they may follow you.
Trying to own someone else's stuff, is not taking responsibilty or working it in your own life. Detach from their choices and accept you are powerless to help/fix them. Forgive YOU for the mistakes you made and the judgements you held and give them over to HP. God is waiting to take whatver it is that you surrender. God wants us to be happy and love ourselves and each other. Self sacrifice and martyring is not the way. You will never be at peace if you are trying to get validation (or anything for that matter from others), it has to come from within. The moment I put me first and loved me as my own first priority, the fear of abandonment left me, bc I was no longer abaonning myself. You are worth your own good loving. tc
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am used to being over responsible for everyone but me. I am also used to wondering why people act the way they do. These days I don't presume to know or presume to think I am their only resource.
I have been there with the not asking for help. I know when you have animals its particularly stressful because they have to be taken care of!
