The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After my ABF's recent relapse I wanted space. He could see I was detaching and was scared. He tried to manipulate me again. He pushed and promised all the same old stuff. He is attending meetings and is trying to sort his life out. He has only been sober aweek I went shopping yesterday and got angrey because I never had enough money. I am sick of not having a partner to rely on. When I come home he rang I said I was sick of putting my life on hold waiting for him to recover. He hung up. he rang back and said I needed to decide what I wanted. I told him I have waited five years. He now has to start all over again, he has never lived alone, paid bill etc. He has no job, he has lots of relationships to rebuild e.g his kids. AA has to be top priority. I on the other hand have a nice life, a good job and I am not enjoying my life I am waiting for him to get well, so we can be happy together. He fills my head full of fantasy one day we will be togther, we will travel all this will have been worth it. He has been saying this it seems like forever. In the meantime the life I dream of seems to slip away. I was honest with him and told him he could not meet my needs ( MY needs how dare me I am not aloud any). We are both very sick and rather than building the dream I think we may be preventing one another from getting better. I spoke to my sponsor the guilt was hitting this morning how can I leave him he is trying to get well. This disease is there for life. Everytime I do something for me why do I feel so guilty. I read one of the readings today and it said if you carry a cat by its tale sometimes that is the only way to learn. I feel like I am preventing him from maturing, he uses me as a crutch. I spoke to my sponsor she asked if this is the life I want. The answer is no, but I feel bad doing what is good for me.
This decision goes against my will, I want him sober, working all the dreams to come true. But I know in my gut we are really bad for each other. So I have to just remember I am doing this for him just as much as me.
thanks for listening.
-- Edited by Tracy on Monday 3rd of May 2010 06:09:59 AM
Ugh, it gets so confusing... I'm having a hard time getting caught up on how my A feels and pushing aside my own feelings... I'm looking at it as a force of "habit" that I'm trying my hardest to fix!!!
When I get in situations like that I come to this message board to remind myself that he is a typical A and doing typical A things.... thinking of himself, muniplative, etc...
That snaps me back into reality and the focus goes right back on me = )
Thanks for sharing = )
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Your the only one who has the answer to the question you asked , If you have our ODAT go to page on July 14th ,that page changed my life and ultimatley the alcoholics , when I stopped doing for him and started to live my life again , things changed pretty quickly for me . I am grateful I didnt have to leave my marriage to find happiness again , my husb continued to drink for 3-1/2 yrs after i got to this program ,detaching with love and a better understanding of this disease our insanity is doing the same things over and over again expecting this time it will work our differently . so if were gonna do what we always did = were gonna get what we always got .!! Pick up a detachment pamphlet at your next meeting , the page in the odat and that pamphlet work great together do what it says to the best of your ability and things will get better .
OH Tracy it is so confusing for so long until we hit milestones and have our "lightbulb" moments.
I would look at it differently. I ask you,"What makes us think it will be better just because they are in recovery?"
We have no idea what the disease will bring, anymore than any other one. When an addict is in recovery, sobriety is number one. Some need meetings every day or more forever to stay on their program.
If we depend our lives on an A's actions, that sure sounds like insanity to me.
That is what makes us seriously have to take one day at a time. Enjoy every moment of our lives, make our own dreams and goals come true. Besides they cannot handle the pressure of anyone making their life choises on where they are in their own life. I know I wouldn't.
I do sure know how you feel, wish it were that simple. But sadly it is not. They are very sick people who honestly mean all they say.No different than a person who has spinal damage who wants to walk and have a normal job again. They really want what they say!
Tracy when I had those few precious times at the last of my A time, I just loved him as is. I did all the things I wanted to, and allowed him to be and or do what he was going to do.
Of course it hurt! But I only wanted him, whatever he was. AGAIN I did not have little kids.
He may never learn how to pay bills etc. He may never rebuild anything. Or maybe he will get on a program of recovery and get himself on the road to maturing.It really does not matter as far as us. We take things as they come, we depend on them for nothing. But love and appreciate what we do get out of our relationship. That is my experience.
Tracy, the question here is "why do I feel guilt" you keep saying you feel guilty. This is what you have to find out and explore. All our problems usually come down to ourself. It really doesnt have anything to do with the A or non A . It has to do with our own self esteem, what we think and feel about ourselves. Its about our own self Identity.
If it were the other way around and you were the A, would he feel guilt, would he take care of himself, you can count on it.
We dont have to leave the A to start living and enjoying our lives. We have to start living in the moment and enjoy each day, because will never get that day back. Life is too precious to waste it waiting for another person to join us. The A has there own life to figure out and if they want to waste it there is nothing you can do. It is out of our hands.
Breath Tracy, take a look around you, there is life outside of the alcoholic and worrying about him. We need to take care of ourselves, our sanity, our spiritual life our health and our finances. We have to create the life we want, whether we are with them or not. Wishing you serenity and courage. Luv, Bettina
For my AHsober and I (separated) talking doesn't do much good. It becomes hurtful and circular. Doing, action for ourselves, seems to be a better solution. Don't feel guilty about your feelings.
My first year working to get me into my own -focus- was riddled with the same guilty feelings. Actually the book, 12 steps for adult children, specifically chapter/step four, helped me to untangle my confused feelings bc I twisted everything into fear and guilt. It was from a life time of seeking outside myself and the control issues.
I just used a lot of logic, to re-program myself with, such as: Healthy people focus on themselves. Healthy people love themselves and practise self care.
I had to over ride/ignore those gulty feelings. I was told it was "false guilt" - as guilt comes after we do soemthing we deem as "wrong". Taking care of you, is not wrong. Just bc you are experiencing a particular feeling, doesnt make it "the truth/reality" it is simply an emotion (energy in motion). Feelings are perceptual too and they pass.
I understand that you want things for him, but you cannot control his life or choices. Fixating on others, takes us away from us and the empowering changes we can make. Practise focusing on you, not what he is or is not doing. Trying to manipulate the situation will only keep you in the disease - it wont bring you happiness. Thats an inside job. Accept where he is at and accept your powerlessness to control others. You are the only one you can change or control.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
