The material presented
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Hello, my name is Debbie and I have been married to an alcoholic for 23 years. Is there such a thing as a functioning alcoholic? If there is, then my husband is one of them. He is very successful in his work and has been driving for so long drunk that he actually drives better than when he is sober!
I have learned to live with this because he doesn't drink at home around the kids (we have 5) and he is not violent at all. Although he is drunk a lot when he gets home and I think it is very ugly, I know he will be sober again and the man I love. But I do get sad and frustrated often. I am here because I really want to understand WHY he drinks. Yesterday he stayed at his office drinking all day, drove home barely able to walk, took a shower and went to his friends birthday party to drink more. He promised to take a cab home. He didn't. He came home and in front of all of the kids bounced along the hall walls to bed. That is when I joined this group. I didn't want to call my mom again and here what a wonderful man my husband is etc..... I just want to know how a successful man with a wonderful family that loves him would put all of our lives on the line for alcohol? What is it in an alcoholics mind that makes him choose being drunk over his family?
I think if I could just understand him, then I could handle things better. Or maybe act on it without feeling that I shouldn't.
I am an A and I can't tell you why I am one. Give an A a reason to drink (the sun coming up, the wind blowing, or God forbid something serious like the struggles of living . . .) and they will drink. Why can't we drink like normal people? Who knows. All I know is that when I drink I don't know what the outcome is going to be. I have done some really stupid things, including driving drunk with my kid in the car . . . more than once. She knew I was drunk too. That was the end for me.
The frustrating things for those of us effected by their drinking struggle with the fact that we can't make them stop. We feel we are not important enough and take it personally. That hurts. . . a LOT. Al-Anon is here to help you deal with that. It helps you learn more about alcoholism and the alcoholic. It helps you learn more about how to navigate this and save and/or increase your sanity and serenity. Then there is the beautiful, immediate relief in this group of people who understand exactly what you are going through. The dynamics of our relationships with As might be different than yours, but we understand the pain, frustration and confusion associated with what you are going through. We are here to help with no judgment, no advice, only love and our experience about how this program has helped us.
Many of us attend face to face meetings, get a sponsor (a guide who has worked the program), and we work the same 12 steps that the program of AA is based on. It is WONDERFUL and I would recommend it to anyone . . . even the happy little monk in the corner with no problems at all. We have online meetings here as well and the message board is my virtual family. We are here to love and support each other from all over the world 24 hours a day. We come and laugh, cry, vent, celebrate our successes and share our hearts with each other with the common goal of living a better life.
Welcome to our family. We are glad to have you.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Hello, my name is Debbie and I have been married to an alcoholic for 23 years. Is there such a thing as a functioning alcoholic? If there is, then my husband is one of them. He is very successful in his work and has been driving for so long drunk that he actually drives better than when he is sober!
I have learned to live with this because he doesn't drink at home around the kids (we have 5) and he is not violent at all. Although he is drunk a lot when he gets home and I think it is very ugly, I know he will be sober again and the man I love. But I do get sad and frustrated often. I am here because I really want to understand WHY he drinks. Yesterday he stayed at his office drinking all day, drove home barely able to walk, took a shower and went to his friends birthday party to drink more. He promised to take a cab home. He didn't. He came home and in front of all of the kids bounced along the hall walls to bed. That is when I joined this group. I didn't want to call my mom again and here what a wonderful man my husband is etc..... I just want to know how a successful man with a wonderful family that loves him would put all of our lives on the line for alcohol? What is it in an alcoholics mind that makes him choose being drunk over his family?
I think if I could just understand him, then I could handle things better. Or maybe act on it without feeling that I shouldn't.
Any insight would be appreciated! Thank you!
I am in the process of divorcing my AH of 36 years. For far too many years, he has driven drunk, even with out sons in the car going up to the mountains for camping. (I didn't know this until one of our sons told me 4 months ago.)
Why do they drink? Who knows. I'm not sure they know. I used to wonder too.
In our case, things got progressively worse. My once gentle husband turned very ugly the past 4 years. Our young adult son who was going to college a few years back used to lock his bedroom door at night because he feared that his dad would get so upset and kill us all. This disease is progressive.
My husband is 59. Again, he has driven drunk throughout our marriage. Within the past 6 years he has had two DUIs. The last one was with his mother in the car. He was forced to retire his very good paying job, with excellent insurance. He is a very sad case right now.
Things got better for me when I began to focus on why I took all the crap all these years and stopped focusing on him and why he drank.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Aloha Jennsmom (((((hugs))))) just a bit of info that I got from my early meetings in Al-Anon. "Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. It can never be cured but can be arrested by total abstinence. It is a progressive disease in that if the alcoholic were to stop drinking for a time and then continue it will be as if no time of sobriety existed and they will return to where they left off often times it will be worse. The alcoholic has lost the choice as to whether they can control their drinking and they affect everyone they come in contact with..." That comes from the journal of American Medical Association and there is more to it.
The Chinese have a philosophy about alcoholism also..."First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man." I have found all of this and more true in my journey thru the disease. Like tlcate I am also recovering from alcoholism as a user. I was born and raised in the disease and carry it.
For me as a recovering person and as a past alcohol and substance abuse behavioral health therapist...there is no such thing as a "functional" alcoholic. Read back over your own post and see what is used to describe functional and then look at what is missing. It won't be long before he looses his job unless he owns the business and his office and no one there can or will confront him on it. "Bouncing off the walls" is not functional, not being there (especially sober) for his wife and children is not functional. Functional for me is saying and behaving "no" to a mind and mood altering drug such as alcohol. He isn't doing that...The drink has taken the man.
You've got hopes that someday he will be sober and I would like to invite you back here and to the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area to keep those hopes alive. You have come here for a reason, to seek help and that usually means the problem has grown to very large proportions for you. Look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and call for meeting places and times and if you get a live voice spend as much time as you can talking to him or her.
Jerry, spot on, thank you for reminding me. I love the Chinese philosophy. Being a eastern practicing believer myself. Im going to be refering to your explanation for always. It reconfirms my decision to have parted with the alcoholic . Jensmom that doesnt mean that your outcome will be the same, one never knows.
You made the right decision though to come to Alanon for support, wisdom for your life and your children. I originally came to Alanon to do anything to stop the drinking, to fix him, that was the goal. He did eventually stop drinking. On his terms , not mine. But those last 5 years were hell, he got progressively worse and yes he could park backing up on a dime, drunk. But then he did manage to get a DUI and hit another car. In California a DUI is deadly and expensive, the Attorney alone was 12,000. dollars and that doesnt take in the fines by the court, it ended up costing at least 25,000. Yes after working for 26 years without a day off, he lost his job. I suffered a stroke, he had a heart attack. Finally realized I wasnt going to die for the alcoholic and we parted. He is finally sober for 6 months. I decided finally to live my life on my terms. When you have invested a lot of years into a relationship , I became hell bent on saving it. Then thru the tools of Alanon and my HP I was shown and realized, what am I holding onto?? Why am I attached to this suffering.? I had to let go and it was the best decision for both of us. Everyone's outcome is different. The best thing you can do is get yourself and your family if of age to an Alanon meeting, its a life saver. We learn to separate the man from the disease and detach with love. That love part can be trying, but they are truly sick people . I am so happy with the fact that the A and I are friends and no grudges between us. Thats Alanon. My best to you, I love your hopefulness, keep it going. Luv, Bettina.
Thank you everyone for your help! It was really nice to hear from actual alcoholics that are successfully beating this disease. I would like to know what the quality of your life is. Are you happier or are always wishing you could feel that drunk feeling again? It really sounds so hopeless to me.
Unfortunately, my husband is the owner of the business. The funny thing is, he has had to fire several of his employees for drinking too much.
20 years ago he did hit 3 cars when he blacked out while taking our exit on the freeway (in California!). I think he learned from that because it has never progressed that far again. I have noticed that in the past few years he is angry when he is drinking. (not aggressive) Always for some reason or another and sometimes for no reason that I can understand. Could he be angry with himself? Is this a danger sign for something bigger coming? Is there something I can do now? Or should do. Leaving is not an option with 5 kids.
Thanks for everything and I will definitely remember that Chinese philosophy!
I am happier beyond my wildest dreams as some have said in the meetings. Why am I happy?, because I don't have to deal with the opposite feelings...fear, anxiety, self doubt, confusion, uncertainty and more especially anger also.
Is anger normal yes for several reasons...One reason is the progressive nature of the disease is about things/life outcomes becoming worse and never better and not really having the answer for it...maybe a suspicion or two. Another is if there is a suspicion considering stopping drinking when it is such a life center can result in anger and then for me what I found out about my anger was that it is natural for a person to want to be and to have control in or over their lives yet alcohol robs us of control and the more we drink and reach out the farther away we get from the control we desire. The first step of Al-Anon and AA is very very aptly stated as, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanagable." Yes for sure anger from trying to manage what is unmanagable and what we also have no power over and must struggle with if we are to continue.
His anger is normal...not necessary but he will have to stop drinking and find an alternative way of living alcohol free to get there.
I think if my husband could believe that he would definitely try harder. I am just guessing but I think for him it just isn't worth the effort. Alcohol makes his life more bearable, relaxing, and fun. I also think he thinks he couldn't handle the stress of owning his own business without it. But I do think he knows he has a problem. He just still thinks he can manage it. That's what I can't understand. He is just willing to live with it like a birth defect.
BTW What is an alternative way of living alcohol free?
If you are alcoholic it jails, institutions or death...The definition of alcoholism says the alcoholic has 3 choices...sobriety, insanity or death; much the same thing.
Debbie- I'm glad you're here. Keep visiting, and find face-to face meetings locally. You'll learn a lot about alcoholism, and about yourself.
You say leaving "is not an option with 5 kids". There needs to be a lot more to that decision. I'm now a single dad with 2 young kids, since I left my AW a little less than a year ago. Before that, I spent a long time defiantly certain that I would do "whatever it takes" to keep the family together, "for the kids sake". I had very clearly decided that I could be a martyr, giving up my personal goals & dreams in order to preserve what I though the children should have. I now know that that doesn't work. Children are much smarter than that! Your husband will ALWAYS be an alcoholic. Hopefully, bu the grace of God, he will find sobriety, but he will still be an alcoholic. You have to figure out how this affects you & your children. You might decide that your love for your husband is greater than this disease, and you can love him & stay with him despite his "condition" & behaviors. You might decide, though, that for your own sanity & the safety of your children, you need to be apart.
To begin to get to this decision, you will learn how to "detach with love". See this link for more information about detachment: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
You will learn how to decide what is right for YOUR health & sanity, as that is really all you can control. You can love your husband, and you can share with him how his alcoholism affects YOU, but nothing you can do will "fix" him, and I doubt you'll ever understand his despair. I certainly don't understand my ex-W's. What could drive a mother to choose alcohol over her own children? Even simple animal mothers will place themselves in harm's way to protect their offspring, but an alcoholic human mother may choose drink over the safety of her children. This is a disease that affects the brain & personality at a very deep & primitive level, and it can't be understood by a person who is thinking rationally.
I wish you peace. I'm fairly new to the forum, and I appreciate the opportunity to chip in - for your sake & my own.
-- Edited by mow joe on Sunday 2nd of May 2010 11:33:07 PM
The disease of alcoholism is not known as cunning, baffling and powerful for nothing. Welcome to MIP, youre in the right place!
I drove myself mad trying to understand why a sane intelligent person would allow themselves to be controlled by drink. Why I, as a sane (huh) intelligent person couldnt fix it all.
I agree with Jerry that there is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic, they just control their disease differently. Ive watched over the years as its taken what was a once functioning person to rehab stints, psych wards, hospital, rough sleeping, begging, stealing, isolation, loneliness and now jail may be coming soon. Then theres the option on madness or death or abstinence and recovery.
Nothing was changing with them, so something had to change in my life because everything I was doing to try and save the A wasnt working.... they didnt want it.... all the love and understanding in the world wasnt going to make him stop drinking. This disease was going to kill me if I let it
Im learning in Al-anon.......let it begin with me.......Im the only person I have any control over and its ok to focus on me, and Im finding that now Im minding my own business the A is making tentative steps towards help.....himself.
Welcome to MIP! Keep coming back. Alanon gives us tools to help ourselves and learn more about the disease of alcoholism. No simple answer. My AHsober of over 30 years of marriage is a dry drunk. It will probably never make sense. The Getting Them Sober books and other literature helped me alot. So have meetings where you can hear other stories or share your experience.
Thank you again everyone. Although I am new to this forum I have been through all of the same things trying to "fix" him. I have kept journals, cried, begged, pleaded, bribed, blamed, tricked, guilt tripped, threatened, and humiliated him throughout the years. In the last few years though I have realized that no matter what I do it will not work unless he wants it for himself. Just that realization has helped me as a person. I don't even get mad at him anymore. I actually feel bad for him. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. I am thankful that I do not have the problem myself and have used it teach my children. I know my kids will never drink.
I just want to understand him. I want to know what I can do to support him when he does try. And he does try often. I also need a place to come to when I get frustrated because like I said, going to my mom isn't working. She thinks I should be happy with all of his other good traits and over look this one bad point. She doesn't understand that the drunk husband is not my husband at all......
Thanks again, Debbie (jensmom)
PS. I love hearing from ex-alcoholics, it feels like I am getting inside my husbands mind a little-thank you!
I think once you are an alcoholic you are still one but one in recovery. There is a saying in AA that in recovery the disease is out there waiting... For so many people there is no comeback from a relapse.
There are many many tools in al anon that can help you. Detachment is one of them. Rather than be so fascinated with him and his conduct you can focus on you and taking care of you. I know really it is obsessional especially when someone drinks and drives. The disease is cunning baffling and powerful.
When I lived with the ex A and still today when I am around an active alcoholic I can find myself very frustrated, angry and perplexed. When I am in that place now I have to work on detaching. Detaching is indeed work, it requires a lot of practice. After that there is a lot of relief.
I don't know about you but when the ex A drove drunk (which he did daily) I worried myself sick that he would crash (he did often) kill someone (he only did that to himself) or would be injured somewhere and no one would find him ( a possibility given the way he drove). I sat up night after night waiting for him to come. Often the ex A did not come home for days so I was riveted to the door for all that time. I felt someone that my attention was a way to control his disease. Ironically enough it was not.
In al anon we adopt the three C's, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. I think its admirable you want to "help" your husband the irony is that in al anon we have to help ourselves.
One great great resource for you would be the book, Getting them Sober, which is offered at the top of this page. That will give you a general idea on where your husband is, how he is when he is "sober" and what to expect.
I know I lived in a morass of confusion, over involvement, obsession and feeling totally responsible for the ex A's addiction for years. I ate, slept and obsessed about it day and night. Al anon gave me a way out, not a way out to leave, that was an option but the tools gave me a lot of breaks before then. I urge you to use them. I urge you to take care of your first. I know that taking care of you will be a great boon for your life no matter whether your husband drinks or not.
Thank you, I will read that book. But I am definitely not obsessed any more. I haven't waited by the door for years. Although I do remember those days! Heart racing, sleepless worry..... I am very involved in my religion and raising my kids. Those two things have probably saved me. But I do feel lonely sometimes. Nothing can take the place of a mate. And really, he isn't "all" here that often.
One thing though, he does not drink when we are on vacation. I think because he can do that, he thinks he is not really an A. I can stop when I want kind of thing.
Hi and welcome. Im reading down through your post and I keep seeing, -yes but I want to understand him- ok. Try this technique, accept him where he is. Acceptance goes a long way to understanding someone else. Take it at face value. Of course there are functional A's my step dad is one too. A's are in denial that they have a problem at all, they lie to themselves about it (and yes they belive their own lies). Sure he is mad at himself, A's loathe themselves.
In many ways, A's and their codependent enablers that love them are not all that different. WE both blame shift & are in denial. We are also both very manipulative. Earlier in my recovery I always talked about how A's are Master Manipulators and they are but we are manipulative too. We are trying to control their behvior and we are out of control ourselves.
Learn all u can about the disease and what your part in it is. The book, Getting them Sober by toby rice drews answers a lot of questions. Get to meetings, pick up pamphlets and read, talk to other members there and empower yourself with changes.
Asking why is a waste of time when we are speculating about others but you can ask you why. Why you are there, why you tolerate less that you deserve, why you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable. These were questions I asked myself.
First things first, practise focusing on YOU and detaching with love from the emotional enmeshment. Determine what your true needs are vs your wants/fantasies. Change what you can. Your kids want stability/security and will follow the saner parent. Hope u give alanon a shot, you are worth it and it really works when you do.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
This may sound like cop out but I really don't have time for meetings. I shouldn't even be on the internet as much as I have been these past few days. My life is not that bad. In fact besides the occasional loneliness I am very happy. And very busy. With 5 kids that I am raising more or less alone and the many other things in my life I just don't have the time.
I realize that things can change in a blink with an alcoholic so I am glad that I now have a place to go. Also, I will make time to read that book.
