The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am visiting my old roommate this weekend who I have not seen for years. I am feeling that nervousness again - that I won't be accepted, I'll be judged. THis morning I read the Thought for Today from Hazelden and it was a reminder that I need not let the "old" feelings of codpendency and recovery dominate me and allow me to live in fear. The last time I saw these women I was very sick. My college asked me to leave the school and enter a treatment center for my eating disorder because I was very ill and a medical liability. During that time, I was isolated from them and very much in my disease of self neglect and self hatred.
I want to be able to stand beside myself and honor and accept and not be ashamed of who I am and how I have coped and what I have been through. I don't want to feel little because I have suffered from a mental malady and I still struggle with self esteem and feeling worthy and lovable. I am scared they won't like me anymore - or that I won't be fun. I know I am living in my fears, but am hoping for some words of e,s&h about how to believe I am a person worthy of spending time with and not abandon myself. Not sure if that makes sense, as the anxiety is somewhat displaced, but real... fear I suppose.
Thanks for letting me share. I am so grateful for this forum.
I have struggled with not feeling like I am good enough, feeling like I was loveable and that I was worthy of having really good freinds. Some of this comes from my childhood. I was taught not to communicate how I was really feeling....to put a plastic face on so to speak. You just didn't let people in...it was wrong to do so and a sign of weakeness. Another part of this is that my whole life I have been over-weight. I have learned from my program and working with a counselor it was a form of hiding. The extra weight also led to feelings of self-hatered, not feeling good enough and complete worthlessness. So building good meaningful realtionships has not been easy for me and in the past I spent a lot of time being alone or doing my best to people please those around me.
Today I am so pround of me. I have thrown myself into my recovery, recently started going to a gym and have been loosing weight, doing things for me and just really taking care of me for the first time. I am doing so many positive things for me and am feeling better about who I am that the negative thoughts don't come as often and I can quickly dismiss them.
I still struggle with the whole feeling good enough becasue of the weight, but I am a work in progress and that is what I am focusing on is the progress. I look at my character assets and realize that I would really like to have a friend like me...I am a good friend.
Take a look at the postive steps forward you have made. Your past is a part of you yes, but it is not who you are. The old friends may or may not judge you on your past...you can't control that. Be who you are today and remember what they think is not in your hula-hoop.
You are loveable, you are a dear soul, you are a part of my family and I love you for that.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I had the chance to meet up with my best friend and eventually roommate that I haven't seen in 20+ yrs. She suggested I spend the night at her house then we would meet up with another friend the next day for lunch. I was beside myself with anxiety, did I look good enough, had I changed so much she would regret her invatation and on and on. I expressed my feeling to my husband as he dropped me off at her home " what if she doesn't like me any more?" It never occured to me I might not like her LOL My hubby said "then you just call me and I will pick you up". Once I saw my friend it was like those 20 yrs just melted away. We picked up right when we left off and the visit went great I confessed my feelings of anxiety to my friend and she had had the same feelings. Truth is your true friends will love you no matter what, they will accept you for who you are. I am gratful to have been able to see her again and althoough we live far apart look forward to seeing her as much as I can.
