The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After I left his house this morning, I got a text that said, "You mean the world to me can, we talk after work don't want to end this way"
He said he was sorry for avoiding me, he was mad and was wrong for hurting me...he didn't want to hurt me. He said he has been struggling with things and would like to talk.
I told him that I am hurt, once again... and have nothing more to say.
He asked me to forgive him and that he was sorry. He said I know you were just doing what was best for me.
I told him that I do forgive him. He thanked me and said that means alot to him. He said, " I am going to seek some support to help me with my problems." FINALLY, the words I have been waiting to hear!!!! So, what do I do? Do I stand beside him or let him do what he has to do on his own? I don't think I can handle watching him get help and give in to the temptations he may face. he has never ever said these words to me. Is this just another attempt to tell me what I want to hear so I will stay with him?
I recall being told to watch their action, not listen to their words. I'd just sit back (look but don't stare) and see if he actually does get help before deciding what to do.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
How about....taking the weight off of him and letting him grow. In the mean time you can continue to do the same thing. HP has plans let HP do HP's part (always does) and you can do your own. You are responsible for .......? (((((hugs)))))
Actions speak louder than words. All you can do is wish him well, turn him over to his HP and live your life. No decisions have to made until you decide what you want to do. Let him concentrate on his recovery and you on yours. Recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses recovery or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. I know it hurts right now, but you'll get through it. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My AH came back from his rehab the beginning of April. He is back in the house with me but I made some rules this time and I am sticking to them. (The rules don't all apply to him... but to us) If he drinks and it is his choice; it comes with consequences. I am consentrating on me and my recovery. So, I guess what I am suggesting to you is: if you do take him back and I'm not suggesting you do... set boundries so you both can work on getting well. You can not fix this man, he has to do it himself. You need to work on making YOU happy.
One of the most important things I heard when I first came into the rooms was that I didn't need to decide the fate of my relationship TODAY. The goal wasn't to figure out whether or not HE was going to get better, whether HE was the one, whether we belonged together. My goal was learn to how to focus on myself and separate myself from him in such a way that I could learn how to practice self care. Alcoholism and addiction are family diseases. I can't tell you how many times my boyfriend told me what I wanted to hear and it filled the empty space in my heart. I was addicted to him, his reassurance, his promises and reinforcement that everything was going to be ok and I didn't need to engage in the lengthy process of trying to detach from him. But in reality that is what I needed to do - I was told that I needed to work on ME and that if he decided to get better AWESOME, but that I could no longer make my sanity, my mental health from day to day and my ability to cope with life fully contingent upon HIS actions.
If he has truly chosen recovery, he will choose it no matter what decision you make. It's not a matter of "standing by him" vs. "abandoning" him; his recovery is separate from you. I do know that feeling of thinking, "After all I've been through, do I leave just when he's finally getting sober, which is what I've always wanted?" What I didn't realize was how hard it is to become sober. My A relapsed and relapsed and relapsed, and finally he gave up the pretense that he was in recovery at all. There were also innumerable mind games along the way -- "I never said I'd get treatment, I just said I'd stop drinking." "I've already stopped drinking; you're just paranoid when you say I'm slurring my words." "I'm fine without a program because I never really had a problem." "I never promised anything, you're just twisting my words." Alcoholism involves a lot of self-delusion as well as lying to others. So an alcoholic saying they'll work on their problems is not home free. And remember that they'll do practically anything to keep their lives in place (including us) without having to stop drinking. I think continuing with your own recovery is the first priority. If he's really going into recovery, you'll have plenty of time to find out. You don't have to get back together with him today vs. never see him again -- there's no deadline.
