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So I was expecting this quiet weekend....I guess when the boat was on it's way up Friday, (My A's friends dad and brother took it up north by water) it broke down and had to be towed by coast guard. So last night around 9 or so my A calls tells me what happened and is headed home, the plan is to go get the boat by trailer today.
When he came in he was drunk and looking for an argument. I spoke to my sister yesterday and had told her I really have been feeling in the last few weeks that my A wants to tell me something. He has brought up things like, "I have a lot of issues you don't know about" "I fight demons all the time" I know some of his family history, he spent a lot of time with his grandfather who had molester both his mother and aunt and one of his sisters. I just have a gut feeling that there is more to the story.
I decided not to argue with him after he said he thought about finding a way to kill himself so he wouldn't have to come home to me. I gave him my wedding band, I went through similar stuff with my first husband and my boundries are becoming more defined as to what is acceptable and what is not. My 14 yr old was home, so I told him to get his shoes on, called a girlfriend and left for a while. I figured if I left until he passed out I could keep my sainity. Of course about 5 minutes after I left he called and said that the issues he has to deal with, he will deal with alone. He will NEVER tell anyone the hell he lived through from when he was 6 until he was a teen.
He said he would talk about financial and the house etc. He knows that I can't afford to be here with what I make. The fear of abandoment is so strong and I have been crying all morning. I went over my wedding vows, "in sickness and in health" was going to put my wedding band back on and found that he left his right next to mine. The hurt is unbearable......I keep saying the Serenity Prayer and the First Step......he is gone for the day, I don't even know if he will be home tonight. Me getting healthy seems to have rocked the boat in more ways then one.....
Any suggestions or similar experiences sure would help today.
Hello Marmare , I sure hope your going to meetings for yourself this is just too much to handle alone u need support from people who have been where your at. And if I have learned nothing else when we have the courage to speak at a meeting about what is going on with us someone will always be nodding thier heads in a positive manner, because they have been there too.
Your husb may have issues and you may be right about the cause of them , none the less they are his issues to heal. What th e little outburst did was get you out of his face and off his back which is exactly what he wanted, (disease) When he gets like that give him a hug and walk away. encourage him to talk to a professional (therapist) He drinks because he has a problem and it's not you. I do hope u know that. (hugs)
We all have issues to take care of . Keep the focus on yourself take care of your needs. good luck Louise
My spouse also had ISSUES. he had things he woudl not tell me and swore he'd not tell another human. But when he got suicidal, he finally went to the psych doctors at the VA. he told them things abotu Viet nam that were bothering him. he also told our priest when he did his 5th step. He is much better today.
I do hope your husband will talk to a counselor. Just getting some of these things off our chests help us feel better.
Right now he needs space. You can use this as an opportunity to GROW. Work with your sponsor and get into service. That really helped me detach and stop worrying abut what he was dealing with. I jsut know it did not concern me and by trying to interfere and pry i was jsut making myself sicker.
I know unbearable pain, as I've lived it for so many years, first in an abusive childhood that covered all realms of abuse, emotion, psychological and sexual, into my adult life choosing relationships that are unhealthy, some that were not alcoholics, but rather codependent, controlling, possessive, etc... and the last with an alcoholic. The fear of neglect and abandonment had always overwhelmed me with panic attacks something severe-- to the point I often felt I was having a heart attack. Some led to the emergency room and some just let me to believe that I had no purpose or meaning in this world. Other times, I questioned myself as a mother... ALL because of the unhealthy relationships I had chosen, as a result of having been taught indirectly that was all I deserved. The fear of abandonment came from the neglect and abuse as a child I had suffered. It wasn't until I discovered what specifically it was that had hurt me or caused that fear deep inside of me that I was able to rise above that fearful feeling and constant panic attacks, "thinking" I could never take care of myself or my children financially AND turning to God to trust Him completely that the fears I had began to subside. With each dream I had often thought of but never acted, came more and more hope for a future for ME. Although, I too was not even working when in my marriage and had a husband even make me feel so dependent on him telling me that I'd never make it on my own, deep in my heart I knew that I could do it somehow, someway and I just needed to take that step forward. As an alcoholic must believe in God (HP) and admit their powerless over alcohol, I knew I had to admit my fear and realize I was powerless without God in my life. It was once I came to terms with developing my relationship with God that my life began to change. This transition all began in 1998 with my divorce, while my children were 8 and 10 years old--- since my daughter developed a seizure disorder and my ex-husband attempted suicide twice. (All hell literally broke lose) The ties that bound me were gone though-- I began my career and relied heavily on God to give me strength and direction. I'm happy to say that I bought my home on a beautiful lake just over one year ago and only have 8 classes to go to receive my BS in Technical Management. Additionally, I just began a job in the level of a position I always had dreamed to be at, even BEFORE I knew how I could even work. Not only did I get the job that I had always hoped someday I could pursue as a Network Administrator, but the job I just began is also a local government position with a full pension.
So..... if I had to sum everything up in a nutshell about how I managed to come from where I came from and succeed emotionally, physically, and financially, I can only say that it was and continues to be my trust in God completely and knowing that each day is the beginning of the rest of my life. I now know that I can do all things through Him that created me and I also know that I certainly deserve to NEVER be treated with disrespect as I had been so often in my unhealthy relationships.
My prayers are with you..... Nothing is impossible with God.
My heart goes out to you. (((((((((((marmare)))))))) I agree with abbyal to get to some f2f meetings for the support you need asap. Keep on posting here too. It helps me to get things written down and off my chest. I know of some men who were abused as children and their minds blocked it out. They have all the symptoms but their minds reveal past stuff as they can handle it. Some people may never remember or have the courage to share it. Some keep addictions to keep it from coming to the surface. It does go back to step one and our being powerless over their alcoholism and their past memories too. They have to be the ones to save themselves. Even watching others get abused is traumatic to a child. It is still his problem and not yours. WE can only help ourselves and make us healthy and happy. I will say prayers for you. Crying is healthy for us too if it isn't continuous. Then it is time to seek medical help. Keep working your program and reaching out. your friend, cdb
