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Didn't want to hijack Hopeless's thread with my own question, so I'm putting it in a separate thread.
I realize that I will need to do work with a sponsor to make real progress in my own recovery.
Is it best to choose a sponsor from your home group?
I ask because my home group is tiny (sometimes only 3 of us there) and very homogenous other than me. The other members are at a completely different life stage -- retired, with kids/grandkids and spouses with longterm sobriety -- and all have strong religious faith with God as their Higher Power. Soooo, not a good fit for me personally. Although all have a lot of years (decades!) in Al-Anon and very strong program, which has been very good for me.
My local meetings seem to be based on an outdated model of stay-at-home wives, because so many of them are scheduled during workdays.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
My local meetings seem to be based on an outdated model of stay-at-home wives, because so many of them are scheduled during workdays.
= )
This is my fear as well = ( I'm so for this program but I'm afraid I'm going to have a hard time getting a sponser (which I feel having one would be great for me, especially working the steps)....
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
No "black & white" right or wrong answer to this question, but in general..... You want to find a sponsor with whom you identify with..... Someone whose shares you can understand and respect..... Someone who will hold you accountable.... Someone with enough depth and time in the program where they can help 'emotionally support' you through the really tough times, while allowing you the dignity to find your own way through your recovery.... Good rule of thumb is that your sponsor should be of the same sex as you.... Ideally, that person would be from your home group, or other local group, as the ability to meet face to face, or at least talk on the phone, is normally the best situation.... For me, I live in a small town on Vancouver Island, and there were almost NO male Al-Anon options, so I found an online sponsor (from Florida - pretty much right across the continent). It worked out very well..... So if you can't find one at a group, then perhaps you might try one from MIP.....
Not everyone is cut out to sponsor, either from "quality" or "availability" reasons, so try not to take it personally if the person you asks can't accept..... With time, you'll find somebody who "fits" for you....
Hope that helps Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Personally, I think it is quite variable.... Normally, you would want a sponsor who has worked the 12 Steps, but time isn't as important as connection.... Rule of thumb might be say.... two years or more in program.....
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I went after sponsors that had strengths in areas that I needed to have. They, of course had to have time in program and knew the steps, traditions, slogan and a visible practice (not just talkers) of the program. It's okay to "qualify" the sponsor as long as I don't use the same set of expectations I used with the alcoholic after all...I am the problem in my own life and need to change me alone. Good thread. ((((hugs))))
I knew about the same sex part -- but that's easy for me, since Al-Anon here is about 95% female anyway. I can see that finding a male sponsor would be pretty difficult!
I am hoping to get a local sponsor. I had gone to a fellowship dinner/get-together event a couple of weeks ago, and did manage to meet members from other groups, but there wasn't a lot of opportunity for more than social chitchat.
Looks like I'm going to have to do some juggling so I can get around to some other groups.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
OK , I am one of those old outdated models of stay at home wives been in this program along time , worked my way thru the steps many times and continue to try and live them in my daily life .. now lets see u said they have sobriety in thier home , a connection with a Higher Power ummmm is this not something you want in your life > have u considered that they have been where your at- have experienced the pain of living with a practicing alcoholic , tried to raise children in insanity and , oh yeah and managed to keep thier relationships .. My sponsor offered me a easier softer road to recovery , I was told to follow the winners , a winner to me is someone who smiles alot , who can offer a hug to a new commer , i needed to learn how to laugh again so i followed the laughter, if they went to 5 meetings a week so did I , if they went to a convention me too . Follow the winners - freedom from trying to live other s lives , get alife of your own I am chuckling here as I answer your post , and I am teasing you .. I do understand that its often hard to relate to us old gals but we have been where your at . ... and maybe just maybe one of those ladies could be a guide to show u how to get what they have found in recovery . good luck hon Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 29th of April 2010 06:19:47 PM
I picked an old timer in the program for a sponsor. She's one of those traditional stay home wives ... she's been in the program 20 years or so. I asked her because it seemed like, from listening to her share at meetings, she applied the Al-Anon principles to her whole life. She seemed very strong in her own recovery. Her experiences are not identical to mine, but there are enough similarities with pretty much all of us in the program that it really works well. She gives me enough guidance to find the answers for myself, enough encouragement to keep looking for answers when I'm stumped, and sets me straight when my train starts to derail. :)
Not sure if this helps or not ... I'm a 32 year old working mother of 2, and my husband has been sober for a little over a year after struggling for several years with his sobriety. My sponsor is close to 60, I would guess, and her husband has been in recovery for 20 years or more. It's a great fit for me.
OK , I am one of those old outdated models of stay at home wives been in this program along time , worked my way thru the steps many times and continue to try and live them in my daily life .. now lets see u said they have sobriety in thier home , a connection with a Higher Power ummmm is this not something you want in your life > have u considered that they have been where your at- have experienced the pain of living with a practicing alcoholic , tried to raise children in insanity and , oh yeah and managed to keep thier relationships .. My sponsor offered me a easier softer road to recovery , I was told to follow the winners , a winner to me is someone who smiles alot , who can offer a hug to a new commer , i needed to learn how to laugh again so i followed the laughter, if they went to 5 meetings a week so did I , if they went to a convention me too . Follow the winners - freedom from trying to live other s lives , get alife of your own I am chuckling here as I answer your post , and I am teasing you .. I do understand that its often hard to relate to us old gals but we have been where your at . ... and maybe just maybe one of those ladies could be a guide to show u how to get what they have found in recovery . good luck hon Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 29th of April 2010 06:19:47 PM
I think she was talking about having that freedom to go 5 days a week... I know I would LOVE to devote all of that time but with working and the kids it's not possible!
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
OK , I am one of those old outdated models of stay at home wives been in this program along time , worked my way thru the steps many times and continue to try and live them in my daily life .. now lets see u said they have sobriety in thier home , a connection with a Higher Power ummmm is this not something you want in your life > have u considered that they have been where your at- have experienced the pain of living with a practicing alcoholic , tried to raise children in insanity and , oh yeah and managed to keep thier relationships ..
The stay-at-home reference was to the scarcity of evening and weekend meetings around these parts. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, perhaps they are scheduled for shiftworkers!
I totally get what you're saying, and I've looked at it from that angle. A couple of the women have 30+ years in Al-Anon, and I'm definitely not discounting the value of that.
We just seem to be in slightly different relationships with Aism. None grew up in A homes, whereas that is my biggest hurdle. (We have no ACoA groups locally) They are all in longterm marriages; I'm not even with an A partner right now and don't have kids. I'm not dealing intimately with active drinking or a recovering A on a daily basis, just when ADad drops by every few weeks.
The Higher Power aspect is a HUGE struggle for me because I have no formal religious faith, having been raised atheist. So this is an area where I need to do a lot of work, and I wasn't sure that someone with a belief in God as their HP could really relate to what I'm grappling with -- although I may be completely wrong with that line of thinking??
They are all amazing women, and I fell in love with this group within the first five minutes. I'm just not getting that sense of "fit".
Strangely enough, I felt the oddest sense of connection to a woman who did a reading at the beginning of the fellowship evening. I just had the most powerful sense of, "She is me!"
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
been in this program along time , worked my way thru the steps many times and continue to try and live them in my daily life .. now lets see u said they have sobriety in thier home , a connection with a Higher Power ummmm is this not something you want in your life > have u considered that they have been where your at- have experienced the pain of living with a practicing alcoholic , tried to raise children in insanity and , oh yeah and managed to keep thier relationships ..