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First, it's been at least two weeks since I last posted which considering how often it seemed to be that the day ended with me bawling over the keyboard, that feels like progress!
Actually, the progress is just knowing that I have gone from not being able to function anywhere doing anything because I was so obsessed over my ABF's problem - to creating a social life for myself and only being obsessed one or two days during a crisis rather than the duration plus. This website and message boards encouraged me to start going to f2f meetings. Thank you. The literature is so so helpful!! And the people are amazing. I have a long way to go, but knowing that I was able to enjoy myself at dance class and focus at a busy day of work even though we are winding up day 5 of my ABF's latest and still ongoing binge, that is a miracle in itself!
However, here comes the question. I am trying very hard to remember that things getting bad because of his drinking may be what has to happen if he will ever want to stop. And so I almost hope that he really does lose his job since he has called in all week so far. And because I had to turn away his kids this weekend and the older one probably knows what's up who knows what will happen with his visitation rights? And I'm actually thanking God for all of those consequences if they are what is necessary. And I'm trying to make sure I don't rescue him. So...while I'm learning a lot about alcholism, I'm still pretty ignorant on a lot of it. We are ending day 5 of this binge. I don't allow myself to count the number of beers, bottles of wine or whiskey - and he hides so much of it that I couldn't if I did try. I can say with certainty that he is consuming AT LEAST 2 or 3 Six Packs of beer per day plus he always has whiskey around and I know I've seen at least 1 empty 750ml wine bottle. This can't be a good thing physically. At what point is medical intervention no longer his choice to obtain - In other words, I don't want him to die because I'm too stupid to realize we're in the middle of a medical emergency when it gets to that point. I assume if he's about to die it's okay for me to "rescue" by calling an ambulance? But how do I know and how do I check his pulse and maintain the appearance of being detached and letting him deal with his own disease? I mean I'm not panicing yet and racing in there every five minutes with a stethoscope or anything but should I be??
And if he does lose his job, it would seem I'm enabling to pay his half of the rent, but I live here too and don't want to move. Do I have to move in order to not enable should it come to that? Do I have to be evicted too just so I don't cover for him? Any insights or ideas on healthy ways on my end to deal with that situation - should it arise - would be most appreciated!
Thanks again for being here. It is such a comfort to know that even when there is no one to call, this website isn't asleep.
(We) are ending 5 days of binging ?? and you know how much he is drinking , hmmmm thats not letting go hon thats obsessing , WE aren't drinking--- he is and I am sure u have better things to do than watch him drink . Your doing alot of projecting about his health , truth is they can go along time before becomming really ill , you will know when its time to call for help . And yes it is enabling to pay his half of the rent but thats up to you no one elses business . get on with your life you can change yourself
(((((Love always Hopes)))))...At your next meeting start looking around the room for a possible sponsor...someone with time and experience (we call it program) and ask them if they are open to sponsoring or supporting your journey in recovery. Cyberwise I can tell you that you are focused intently on the disease (that is our part in the disease) and you're right for a newbie it's usually and hard to break but it has to happen. I had the very same fears and those fears sucked my own life out of me and the disease used it up. God I knew more about my alcoholic and her condition than the medicos did and use to tell them how to treat or not treat her. There was a time when they didn't listen to me and when they screwed up they called me into the room to fix it. Go Figure...but it comes out that way when the spouse is soooo invested that they know more about the alcoholic than they do themselves and that is sad. If he developes a problem from drinking that he cannot take control of and looks like he is already in danger of hurting himself I'd call 911 and let the professionals do the work. They know what to do better than I do. I can and will stay to comfort but I cannot fix or stabalize and that is only "If" it gets to that point. I no longer fortune tell or project into the future. When I learned that allowing her to experience her own pain was a good part of her finding the doors of AA I stopped enabling the opposite. I once told her she wasn't alcoholic and without saying thanks she was off on another 5 plus year run. Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. Rocket Science!!
Keep coming back and followup on the suggestions. (((((hugs)))))
There has been a lot of talk about detachment lately and u say, "the appearance of being detached" - I wouldn't worry about what it appears like to others. Detachment is about not being emotionally enmeshed and taking on someone else's feelings. It means, having your own sense of self and emotional body, so you can "detach" from other people's moods, issues, feelings, attitudes, whims -and we can focus squarely on ourselves and take responsibility for OUR actions. I had to set and follow through on boundaries for myself before I felt the "after effects" of a hihger self esteem, self respect and emotional detachment.
It is fantastic that u are taking program to heart and working it, going to meetings, talking to others and using MIP. But I tend to agree with the other posters, u are still focused on him, u gave him most of this post.
You have to focus on YOU and what do u want for your life? Do u hope to have him move out, so u dont have to move and keep the place you're in? I was very much caught up in the fantasies I played out in my head and not in the day or reality. Spending time, looking into the future, speculating - projecting, is all a waste of time that takes you away from making real changes in your life right now. Think about what your true needs are versus what u want, I know that made it much clearer for me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
