The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I could use some advice, stories, experience....whatever you're willing to give!
I've known my Abf-sober for just about 3 years now, however, I've only "known" him as a dry drunk. I'm thankful that I didn't have to do the binges, blackouts and blowouts that I read on this site daily and my heart goes out to all. Living with a dry drunk was/is enough for me!! I was at the end of my rope when I found Alanon and through this program found strength and serenity. and in a bonus move, my bf rediscovered his own program. He lost his night job and as a result his daytime business grew, he was able to market to gain more customers, his nights are free for us and the kids, he gets decent sleep and has been able to reconnect with AA friends and make his meetings. What should have been devestating was a blessing, which made me believe even more that our HP gives us miracles in his way on his time.
Having said all that, the reason for my post is this. Even now, with all our progress, clearing out bad feelings and issues, rebuilding our trust in each other he STILL makes EVERYTHING about him!! every thought I have his answer is based on him. He asks me to open up and when I do it's "what did I do?" or "everything is my fault" or "no matter what I do I'm critcized". It's driving me crazy. Is this normal, just a part of alcoholism? I know some of this is me, I'm not the most patient person--something I've been consciously trying to work on, but I feel like none of my feelings are mine anymore, I feel like he's taking them all from me. Maybe it's just a bad day....thanks for listening!
__________________
"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
ya, I would say so, seems like he is trying to own it, feel bad for himself, putting it on him that you are feeling a certain way or expressing something. As a codie, I do that too, when Im not owrking it like a fiend, i will automatically take up the responsibility for someone else - if I am not working hard to simply focus on myself. I see A's as having the codie behavior too, owning it, being the hero, martyr whatver (then they can have a excuse/justification for later). He is blaming himself and it sounds like u are merely sharing and expressing it with him. This is why I think its so important to have your own - seperate programs, bc he cant hear about all the pain youve been thru in early recovery. I heard the first year for a sobering, program working it A is all about experiencing and coming to terms with feelings again. So i would say share alanon stuff with fellow members, where it is appropriate.
The other suggestion is about boundaries and learning to love you and put you first. With emotional boundaries and self love, honoring and self-respect -- u would see he was flipping it, catch it and say -this isnt about you- these are my feelings, that you cannot solve/fix for me. We all get to experience and go through our own emotions, we need to feel-deal-heal for ourselves and they need to feel-deal-heal for themselves. So, it is up to you, if the information isnt safe with him and he twists it, maybe he doesnt need it.
Practise emotional detachment from owning his feelings and you, try to get in touch with just feeling your own. I love that detachment site/article and following the guidelines for boundaries is how I changed. We are allowed to have all the boundaries we want, Ive discovered; social, emotional, intellectual, sexual, spiritual and physical - boundaries so far in the five years I have been setting them for myself.
In my esh - putting me first as my own priority, loving me first -- has allowed me to -stop- seeking validation from others. I am not reaching and looking out, I get it now first within with HP. I get that love, awareness, understanding, acceptance from HP and me, first. No one can make me happy, but me. If I rely on others, its only good as long as they are giving it. And Im dependent on them for it and helpless.
So, I say... feel inside yourself. Meditate, pray, go in nature or take a long soaking tub... take some space and love and honor who is inside of YOU. For me, feeling like a seperate person -emotionaly speaking- from others was something I did not experience until I had begun setting boundaries and following through for me, and ending the negatvie toxic friendships. What did u always want to do but were too scared of? Do something new and different, explore a new interest and allow more of you to shine through.
Just watching tv RR and got some teen dating advcie - they said - get busy with hobies, interests, develop yourself as a person - that makes u more interesting to the whole world, yourself included.
Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like. Love and appreciate yourself, that is still what I am practising, learning. All growth is progress! Learning to be patient and feel through my feelings when they surge and not jump up and immediately react, has allowed me to experience so much more of my personal power. Bc I am taking the time, to feel through them and breathe, wait 5-20 minutes before I react - and it allows the emotions to fade, then i can see more clearly, and ultimately will respond better much better than I wouldhave if I just immediately reacted emotionally. Doing this - feeling thru the wave or sting of it, gives me - freedom and I am happy to own the ability to respond, not react.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, social, spiritual, familial & marital boundaries.
See also:http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
In my experience it is always about THEM == even after 20 yrs of sobreity I have to remind my husb occasionally that there are two of us in this marriage . seems to be the nature of the disease and I no longer take it personally . You say he takes your feelings away , I disagree u give them away by not standing firm on what u believe , it dosent matter that u dont think alike or dont understand each others feelings what matters is that u continue to say how u feel . period . and then let it go . For yrs I didnt have an opionion on anything , it was just easier that way saved an argument ,today I do and say so - husb still sees it as my attempt to be right and cannot be convinced that its just my opinion , I dont care if I am right or wrong anymore what matters is that I be heard . I have also learned that expecting my husb to understand my stuff is a waste of time , thats why i have a sponsor I get to say whats on my mind with out judgement and can often go home with a solution . The little every day stuff . I also want to mention that when I really need my husb support he is there for me . Alcoholics are complicated people - and i finally came to terms with the fact that I am never gonna get it
-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 27th of April 2010 06:28:11 PM
Might it look like he is still so sensitive and defensive and maybe reading into what you are saying. Might it be not what your saying but how you're saying it. Maybe its old subjects that bring up old feelings and reactions. Maybe an agreement about how the discussion should go. More program and sponsor work on both sides. Hmmmm could be lotsa stuff...moving forward to fast...I like the other feedback also because it has been my experience that stuff we didn't know how to do or do good just doesn't come by itself. I has to be learned and practiced maybe with a third party. I used to do family and marriage counseling...sometimes better than the roller derby but always more rewarding to see couples and familys mend. Yay!!
Easy does it. One day at a time. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
