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My ABF and I have been chatting he is back in AA after his last slip which nearly took him to suicide. I have been running from him so scared not wanting any part not wanting to rescue to enable to watch what was happening. He has been chasing me since he has got back on the programme. Says he now knows how much he loves me and wants to marry me. He says he has lots of hard work todo but has finallly realised Aa and the programme is the only thing that can help him. He is starting with the promises and I know he means all of it. I know he is progressing in the right direction and I do believe in my Heart he will end up a winner but I am a mess. I am so so scared. I do not believe this is just an addiction to me I do not want any part of his recovery I know i am powerless and that i am just as sick as him I do believe I love him. But I am pertrified I can not travel his path only he can I find it hard to focus on me. I do not want to let him back in and he is trying with all his might I can not have any more pain I love him and want us to be o.k. I am so confused. Feeling very overwhelmed he is fighting for me is it love or need. he has gone and got his own place is looking for work is only around healthy AA members going to meeting and trying to sort all the mess from the slips. He is not asking for anything from me except to love him and have pateince. I ned some healthy ESH becuase my mind is not healthy today. I know I can not help him he doesnt want me to but I can not handle watching this disease attack him. he says he is going to get strong no more messing he said I am not even going to go the toilet when in a meeting this is it I am committed to my recovery. I told him I need space I am scared I love him but I carnt watch him do this to himself again.
He says how can I trust him if I do not have contact and see how he is doing.
I want to get better, I want him to get better only we ca get ourselves better not each other. I need to set boundaies that protect me but I do not know what they are. I need to have hope but not expectation relay on myself. God this is hard.
any esh
-- Edited by Tracy on Tuesday 27th of April 2010 05:35:49 AM
Oh - my heart aches for you. I have had no contact with my ex-ABF for almost 6 weeks and it has helped me let go s.l.o.w.l.y. I asked him to not contact me for a month and he has honored it for the first time ever - which sort of surprised and sadly disappointed me. BUT I am letting go. I worry about the day(which may never come) that he will contact me and want to be in my life again because I don't know how I will react. Right now, I am strong but it's easier with space.
I pray for you because you are having to be strong even as you aren't sure you want to be. You deserve to at least find clarity for yourself. Does he know that you feel like you have an addiction as well? When I asked for our no-contact month - I had to make it very clear that I needed time away from him FOR ME. For my soul. For my heart. Could you ask your ABF for that? I realize that he may not understand it but he might!
You need space - not so you can trust him - but to learn to love and trust yourself again.
You can do this. YOU CAN. I ask today - that your HP wraps you up in peace and healing and that you know you are not alone.
He says how can I trust him if I do not have contact and see how he is doing.
Hmmm, it's not your role to police or monitor his recovery. I guess you can only see by the results, huh?
Wish I'd known that when the XABF had me drive him to and from his AA meetings, to prove to me he was attending. What I didn't realize then was that there was a huge difference between showing up at meetings and actually working his program. I should have relied on the results (or lack thereof!) instead.
Time to think about what boundaries you need or want for you and then put those in place.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
