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Hi everyone. I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend for over 8 years. The drinking has gotten really bad over the past two years. I am also an adult child of an alcoholic (my dad).
I finally kicked him out about a month ago. All of the deceit, mental and emotional abuse, abandonment, etc. I just couldn't do it anymore, even thought I love the man he was when I met him. I will not raise my daughter with an alcholic in the house, as it did a real number on me. And I will not subject to the continued abuse and lying.
Since he left, he's tried all the tactics. He tells me he loves and misses me, that he wants to come home. He does the guilt thing, feeling sorry for himself, hoping I'll take pity and let him back. I've made it very clear to him that I cannot control his choices, but that I will not even consider a relationship with him unless he gets help. If he chooses not to get help, that is his choice, but he can't expect me to be here for him. I am in counseling, and I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last week and plan to continue attending meetings.
This is so hard. I know that his alcoholism is not my fault, even though he's done everything he can to convince me otherwise (in a passive-aggressive way). He's living with his friend, who happens to live in my building, so I have to see him pretty much every day. For financial reasons, I cannot move, so I just have to suck it up and stay strong. Some days it's harder than others.
I am trying to focus on myself and my daughter. I am trying to be strong. I am trying so hard to let go of the control issues. I cannot change him. I cannot MAKE him "love me enough" to quit. This is his disease, and he needs to sink or swim at this point, without my influence. It's just so hard to watch. He's now gone from beer to whiskey. Seems he's going the wrong direction. But I need to stop caring. That's the hardest part.
It's so hard to understand how someone I know loves me can choose the alcohol over a life with me. At the same time, I understand it's the disease. But it's still so difficult to fathom, as I'm not an alcoholic. He hasn't gotten counseling, though he keeps claiming he's trying (after over a month, he hasn't managed to get an appointment?). He hasn't attended even one AA meeting (even though he claims he's committed to getting better).
Honestly, I think he's hoping I'll give in and take him back, and he can have the alcohol and me, too. Not gonna happen.
Please give me strength to do this. I'm actually much less stressed without him here. I don't have to constantly worry about how much he's drinking, why he's avoiding me, what kind of mood he'll be in when I get home from work. Right now, he's having a pity party, yet he's doing NOTHING about it.
I just have to let him go. I have to move on. Easier said than done.
It is awful. You've come to the right place. I'm sure others wiser than I will have helpful things to say.
I've also tried to get my mind around how they can choose alcohol over so many good things: their families, their jobs, even their lives. It helps me some to realize that alcohol makes them obsessed with alcohol. They think about it every minute of the day. Sort of like how we think about them! We find it as hard to give them up as they find it to give up alcohol. That helps me understand some, because not thinking about them is as hard a thing as I've ever done in my life.
But focusing on ourselves and our own lives is the only healthy thing, the only way forward. It does get better. Please keep coming back.
Welcome to MIP, I'm glad you are here. There's tons of ES&H to be found on this board from members with years in the program. Reading prior post will be helpful to you.
The f2f meetings will be tremendous for you. Go to as many meeting as you can, read all the material you can on the disease. It seems you have already have some boundaries in force reguarding your alcoholic. Thats great. Stick to them reguardless of how much he might beg or plead. Remember the boundaries are for you---- not the alcoholic in your life. They are there for your protection---- for you serenity. Don't ever feel guilty for feeling as you do. You have every right to feel that way. You were raised in the disease, and you have made a decision that your child will not be raised in the same insane disease.
You are doing a good job of taking care of yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself first you can't take care of your child. Your priorities or in order, let the program keep them in tact.
YOU can recover regardless of what the alcoholic does or doesn't do. Your feelings are not wrong, they are yours. Hurt, fear, guilt, anger, sorrow, hope, love, .... In short the light of the human emotional center is still alive and active in you. This is good. In Al-Anon we learn how to process through the pain and let go of the unhealthy stuff. We learn that we can move forward with our lives, with or without the alcoholic, whether or not the alcoholic goes forward with theirs sober or drunk. We learn how to stop using the alcoholic as the barometer of what kind of day we are going to have, or how we are going to take care of ourselves. We learn how to stop drowning in the dis-ease of alcoholism, with the alcoholic.
Step One - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lifes had become unmanageable.
Sounds like you have taken this step, and in the process started to reclaim your life. Keep moving forward, you and your child will be okay. It may not always feel like it, but most of our growing and change is motivated by our pain, and we finally get to a place of "enough is enough", and we start to finally move away from unhealthy ideas, feelings and beliefs.
YOU are moving in the right direction.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Welcome to Our Family :) You have come to the Right Place... :) So Glad you Found Us
I too am a Child of an alcoholic Father, I lost him in Nov 08 to this Very Disease...I watched him over the years go from "Just A Beer", to well "Just a Beer & A Shot", to "Just a Mix Drink" to "Just a Glass of Whiskey on the Rocks"... He had many excuses for Why he did what he did, and NONE of it was HIS Fault... Only those around him... As it says in the lit... This is a Very Cunning Disease, their Brain plays tricks on them, just as the "A" plays tricks on us...
I cant day that I don't have days were I want him back...I want to FIX It, or days I don't get truly angry at My ABrother for following in the same path... I do, but with the help of this program, the help of my F2F family, and the Lit... I am So Much a Better Person... I didn't find or even know of this program till after my Afather had pasted... I often wonder if things would have been easier for us both if I had found it before hand... but... I can't turn back the clock... I can't make him NOT an alcoholic... I didn't Cause it (I know that NOW) Can't Cure it , nor was it mine to Fix...
You have given your Daughter a wonderful Gift, taking her out of an alcoholic atmosphere, tho not easy, I know living with my Afather the 1st 9 years of his addiction truly affected me, my insecuritys, my self daubt, and my ability to "relate" to those outside of alcohol... This Program has given me MY Life back, it has freed me to find out WHO I AM, not what the alcoholic allowed or caused me to be...
I know longer have to ask permission to have "a good day" I know longer have to allow others "Moods" to affect me, it is my choice where I allow my life to go, and like you my son comes WHY Before the alcoholics around me, and my son has Very Limited time around ANY of the alcoholics in my Life/Family... And when they ask WHY he/we are not around, I explain... He will not be in a place were he has to be uncomfortable to be who he is, and he does not have to except that behavior from those around him...
Good for you for Setting your Boundry's and making that F2F Meeting... I know my Are a true blessing from above, to be in a place (Like here & F2F) were people Understand were you are "Right now" and except you for who you are "Right Now" is a true blessing... Sooooo
Welcome to our Lt. Family were we may not be perfect, but around here it is "Progress Not Profection", and I am right were I'm ment to be :)
Keep Coming Back... It Only works if you work it ;)
Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. It's so good to have support from others who have been or are where I am.
Today, he texted me at work, "I'm done. I can't do this anymore." Then he wouldn't answer his phone. I was 99% sure that this was the manipulation again, that it was a cry for attention, a test to see if I'd come running. And of course, as angry as I was, I DID come running, b/c I never would have forgiven myself if he had committed suicide or tried to. Of course, when I got to his place, he was a mess, having panic attacks (and drinking to self-medicate. sigh). I told him to take one of his clonapin and called the local behavioral health center, who suggested he go to the hospital. I had to get back to work. When I got home, he had taken the anxiety meds and was "fine".
I am so tired of this cycle. And I could kick myself for giving in today and going to him. I need to STOP that. I wish I could shut off all my feelings for this person. I have been doing much better at detaching, but obviously I'm not totally there yet.
Thanks again for the support. I'll keep coming here, and I'll keep going to the f2f meetings. It all helps so much, and gives me strength.
So Glad you Found Us 