The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was talking to my daughter, now 35 almost, about how her brother 34 almost is so anxiety ridden.
He worries about things that are 2 years away. Worries he is doing all he is doing for someone to take it away.(house, jeep, boat etc.)
She says to me,"Mom we are like that because you were like that." Always afraid we did not have enough food, cloths, money for rent. Something would happen and I would fall apart, get quiet and sit real still.
She is right, I was like that. WAS. When first AH was killed I was in trouble. So afraid, so lost. Had zero security. I always in the back of my mind knew I had AH and he was such a help, and part of it all. He loved the kids more than anything. He drank on Friday night too much sometimes. Sometimes he would not go out for a month. We were only 26 yrs. old.
I was shy, had no idea I was dependable, efficient etc. I had to make myself be, but I wasn't. All I wanted was to stay home. So when I raised my babies, I was always a step away from disaster. Had horrible migraines.
Then here comes 2nd AH 10 years before we were married, and causes a huge show of throwing things, breaking things in my house. Now me and my kids were very scared.He was only a friend then. so he added physical fear to the kids life. My son would think he saw him and barricade himself in his room!
So without realizing it, I hurt them as they learned from me.
They can see I have grown up now, never worry, have faith. They see the normal apprehension about things. They see me now as calm and serene. But they know inside I do keep gried depression at bay.
I am so sad I did this to them. Now that I know, I know even more I need to show them how to face life, and be ok no matter what. So what you did not get the house you wanted, the next will be better.Well ya ya found out this guy or girl is a jerk, heal up and go on.
They both are very independant where they work their own finances, have nice things.Daughter travels, has many friends. Son has many friends too, great career, kayaks in the ocean, and rivers. Fishes like crazy. Daughter hikes, rides bike. She she loves the city and country.
I made sure we lived in the same school district so they would grow up with the same people. And they did and its so cool.
KNow I did lots right. But I am so aware now the influence we have on our kids.
We cannot hide anything from them. They never saw A but they saw what losing both of them did to me.
Now they just saw it again with my now almost ex AH. Btw he did not sign the papers and get them back in time now I have to go to court. He will lose now and have to pay spousal support when he gets out.
Being on Parole he will have to.
They send the papers back two times about things they could have called me about and I could have said to white it out.
So he made his choice. I tried to forgive the debt.So my surgery is the 26th and I have to be in court the 29th. real cute.
NO big deal. One step at a time.
So I continue to talk to my kiddo's and they SEE me so different.
Got up this morn and my stick pig, who is around 20 had gone down in the shavings. He is in his last day or days on earth. Oscar. So I put him on the dogs cot in the living room with Freds (tortoise0 heater, and have my water heating pad on him, He is wrapped in blankets and has MY pillows all around him to prop him up.
He wanted up so bad but would fall. So I got water, he drank, made him bread/applesauce/banana/and turkey gravy soup. Held him up and he ate heartily. Thats how pigs are, such a survivor characteristic. His temp is five degrees low so he is in active dieing.
Did I mention I have surgery tomorrow? Washer and Dryer cannot be done until wednesday, he is on my pillows with soup and water on them.
I used my last clean towel to wash him off and dry him.
Today I am making the doggy door and kennel. Running in constantly telling him I am here. I am feeling faint and sleepy.
Had to pick him up and carry him in here. But he is not 150 pounds anymore. He is like 75. )o:
This is the most horrible part of sanctuary work, other than how I find them sometimes....
So now I will make a goal to support my kids to give it to HP, teach them no matter what they were given the tools by HP to be ok no matter what.
Lose your house? Go live in the woods, get an rv and park at someones house, come to my house. Lose your Jeep? he has another jeep, a nice van and a79 big fwd chevy pup!
He has a good job. He can have my car anytime he wants. I have my old loved pickup.
He just cannot seem to drop the rock. That is the same as us when we won't let go of our trying to control and police A.
Well Hp saw fit to make it a BEAUTIFUL day. So I am outside soaking in the rays of love and sunshine.
Out of all this, I am left wondering...what kind of surgery are you having tomorrow? And who is going to care for dying pig during your convalescence?
As far as the children are concerned, I always taught mine, "If money can fix it, don't worry about it." The point being that nothing money can solve is fatal; whether or not you have the money doesn't matter. We do the very best we know how, (well, most parents do) and we are only partially responsible for how our progeny turn out.
I will be thinking about you....and about piggy.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad and having to deal with all this, especially before having to go through surgery tomorrow. I don't have children so can't relate to that, but keep remembering the things you did right while raising them. I'm sure you did the best you could and I bet your kids realize that. I hope all goes well with your surgery tomorrow. And that all goes as well as possible for your sick piggy. You're right, HP is good. You will be in my prayers.
Hi, I too get scared of what all this has done to my kids. They are coming up to 17 and 14. I know I have not done the best job in the world but I can also see the good I have done and know there are lots of people that have had a lot worse happen in their childhoods. Sometimes when the guilt hits I ring my sponsor, she told me I started making amends to my kids the day I came into al anon. Every day that I work this programme and become healthier I am becoming a better mum.
My children have many many years left and I will do my best but just like me really they are in their Hps hands. I just hope I can be the best role model possible and that one day they will understan I am only human but love them from the bottom of my heart. I think the very fact that we worry about all this shows we are good caring parents. Just remember how far you have come.
So Sorry to Hear of Oscar...Will keep you both in my Prayers, for the week... Sounds like you have a long one ahead... I'm sure if anyone can conquer it... It is you... You always have shown great strengths...
Your children sounds very well rounded to me... I'm sure you did effect your kids, as I do my son, I often catch a glimps of myself in him more then not, for the longest time, I could Only see 'what I was doin to him' but now, I keep it on a more possitive note, I see the good in his heart, and the kindness in his voice... He has his "it all your fault" thoughts just like any other... he knows the thing I preace to him most, is its ALL about Choices... When you stop making your own choices, it is then, you get in trouble...
I do pray that things with Surgery are speedy in healing, and your up n out n know time...
Wishing you nothing short of... Love, Happiness, Joy
Jozie