New and not sure... - Al-Anon Family Group

CCC12 · Newbie

New and not sure...

ythannah · Senior Member

Welcome, CCC12!

Both of my parents were also alcoholics. I say "were" because my father remains alcoholic but my mother died of cirrhosis in Nov. Yet neither of them ever acknowledged their addiction, which is pretty darned powerful denial when one of them was lying in ICU with a failing liver.

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to force your mother to see the effect her drinking has had on your lives; she has to get to that point herself. In fact, you can't do anything to change her behaviour, only your own.

That's where the Al-Anon program is so helpful -- it gives you skills and tools to work on YOU. I'd really recommend making the effort to attend face to face meetings, and there is also a lot of wisdom on these boards, as well as online meetings. You could also start looking into some of the Al-Anon literature. I think How Al-Anon Works is probably a good place to start.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome CCC12

I am so sorry that your mom has this dreadful disease. I hear you about the denial of the alcoholic and how it is easier to not force issues.The disease of Alcoholism is very cunning and powerful. It not only hurts the alcoholic but as you have noted, everyone in the family.

Alanon suggests that alcoholism is a disease and that we did not cause this disease, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it.

Alanon and this board are excellent resources that will enable you to find HOPE and TOOLS so you can live your life even though the alcoholic is still drinking.

The tools: Meetings, Living one Day at a Time, Focusing on Yourself, Sharing will give you the means to live your life without anger and resentment. Your Dad would also benefit by attending.

    Many of us who have lived with Alcoholism in our lives have been affected by it without even realizing it ourselves. Not just in the sense of having to put up with the alcoholics behavior, but in the sense that we ourselves have become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it. Having our own program of recovery allows us to take the focus off of the things in our lives, which we cannot control, such as the actions of others, and onto the things in our lives, which we CAN control, our actions, our thoughts, and our happiness.

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:            http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page. After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

PLease keep coming back There is Hope

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 24th of April 2010 06:11:03 PM

CCC12 · Newbie

Thanks so much! I am going to work on getting to a meeting as soon as I can and also buy some literature when I get the chance. Just from your posts I realize my frustration is from trying to changer HER BEHAVIOR instead of focusing on my own.

Question: When I know my mom is or has been drinking do I call her out on it? Do we pretend she didn't? Do we as her children not visit her? It feels fake to just act like she didn't drink but when I do that I find I resent her so much and have so much anger I can barely even be nice to her when we speak.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI CCC12

To answer your question regarding confronting your mom over drinking or ignoring it. I need to Share my Experience, Strength and Hope on the issue. I found that I had to turn my husbands actions and alcohol consumption over to him. I did not have to mention his drinking or not drinking- it was a non issue. I had to take care of me and not focus on his behavioiur at all.
Do what you feel is right for you. If you do not want to talk to her when she is drinking do not. Simply Leave or Get off the phone. No need to say why just indicate you need to go and do so.

Glad you are going to get the literature and keep coming back.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((CCC)))

As you already heard you can not make your Mother quit or reralize that she has a problem. Even though she has been to rehab she seems to still be in denial. You have no control over her or her drinking. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful and deadly disease that takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic.

Al-Anon is for family and friends who are affected by soneone elses drinking. We can't change them, but we can change us. With the program, and the tools of the program you will be able to make your life better while still living in the disease. For you it's your Mother, for me it's my wife, for someone else it's their daughter or son. It really doesn't matter who, what matters is how we deal with the disease----and Al-Anon is a proven and tested program that has saved lives, marriages, and families from the distruction this insane disease causes. It makes you and your life crazy and turns it upside down.

We don't offer advice only our experience, strength, and hope. Things we have tried that worked for us that we were given by another member of Al-Anon. It's called giving back. I notice you are online now---I hope reading prior posts. There's lot of experience on this board. Tons of ES&H. Soak it in and read all you can about the disease of alcoholism.

We have online meeting on MIP everyday the schedule is on the opening page. But, f2f meetings are the nuts and bolts of the program. In the rooms of Al-Anon is where you will find others members who are dealing with the same problems as you. You will find a new family who understands and loves you as perhaps no one else can. And you won't be alone anymore.

We can all find reasons not to attend f2f meetings. I was the same way. It was almost four years ago when I attended my first meeting, it's the best thing I ever did for myself----it's by far the best thing you can do for yourself also. Find a way---give it a try---you will be forever grateful that you did. It's my guess that after you attend three or four meetings you will be begging your brothers and sisters to get involved in the program also.

Glad you are here ---keep coming back---this program works it you work it, I'm living proof.

HUGS,
RLC

ythannah · Senior Member

CCC12 wrote:

Question: When I know my mom is or has been drinking do I call her out on it? Do we pretend she didn't? Do we as her children not visit her? It feels fake to just act like she didn't drink but when I do that I find I resent her so much and have so much anger I can barely even be nice to her when we speak.

I have never called either of my parents out on their drinking, because it's just not worth the inevitable argument. Of course, I wouldn't keep my mouth shut if it was an issue of safety -- once I had to stop my very intoxicated mother from doing some deep frying, as I didn't think she was in any shape to be handling a pot of hot oil.

With my XABF, it was a different story. For some reason (my own pride, I guess) I thought it was really important to let him know that he wasn't fooling me, that I knew he was drinking. When he relapsed he would pick a fight with me to push me away, so he could drink in peace. Once I realized what was really going on, I felt pretty foolish for taking the argument seriously when it was actually his ploy to gain some space.

Now that I've been in Al-Anon for a while, I have the knowledge not to take another person's drinking personally.

CCC12 · Newbie

UPDATE, sorry for another message so quickly I just really wanted to get my feelings down while they are fresh. I just spoke with my mom, she called my siblings and I tonight to apologize to each of us for drinking yesterday and let us know that her and my dad are going to start fresh tmrw and work really hard to not drink...

I think just from the few responses I received today I was already able to handle our phone call differently than I normally would have...I made sure to let her now that I have been online all day today researching AL-ANON and that I joined a chat group. She was glad to hear it. I was less critical of her than I normally am BUT...

In her typical way somehow we got off the phone and I felt angry and frustrated. I just feel like her pattern is to run a month or 2 together sober, then drink a couple of times a month then we figure out shes drinking so she says shes sorry, calls her sponsor, lets us know over and over that it a disease, points out that at least she's not drinking every day anymore, points out that we all had a good childhood, at least its not effecting us like it could be because none of us live at home, that at least we have a lot of good times in between the drinking.

What I hear I interpret as: "its not that big of a deal, you guys need to pat me on the back and be proud for at least how far I have come"... which I am proud but its always overshadowed because of the times she does drink, and even when she's not we are always waiting for the next time so it seems like it always ruins family visits because we are worried, on edge and are still trying to function normally and get use to the fact that she's not drinking... any progress we make as family regresses everytime she falls of the wagon. I just need to use AL ANON to learn to not be so resentfull and frustrated, I am somewhat obsessed with her needing to know how deeply her disease has affected our lives, and that it isn't as removed as she thinks...I do not like feeling like this and I can't wait to feel free with AL ANON!

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((CCC)))

Remember at the end of the day the only person that resentments have an effect on is the one that holds them. That is easy for me to say and many times hard for me to practice. We are only human. You see your mother destroying her life and the people she loves the most-----her family. Her disease is having a tremendous effect on you. By allowing that to happen you are not being fair to yourself. What you have been doing dealing with her disease is not working. She made promises to you tonight----and you alredy know they won't last----As much as she believes she is telling you the truth---the disease will win again ---it always does.

Start attending f2f meeetings and learn how to detach with love from your Mother. Detachment is not to push your Mother away, detachment will protects you from the disease your Mother has. You will be able to love your Mother and hate the disease.

Step One states---We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. That's where you are---that's where were all were. With the program your life can become manageable again, and your life will get better---trust me I'm living proof.

Start taking care of you. Your Mother is going to do what she is going to do. Nothing you have done in the past has made any change in her. Nothing you do in the future will make any change in her. Turn her over to your HP and then get out of HP's way. She will be in great hands.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 24th of April 2010 10:51:15 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((CCC12))))) smile

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi CCC12, welcome.

I cant really add anything to what the others have said except to re-enforce that by keeping the focus on you, things can and will get better, for YOU, whether the alcoholic continues drinking or not.

The Al-anon programme is a gentle programme of recovery and I am finding it works if I work it.

A link that I refer to a lot is http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ and along with Al-anon literature, attending group meetings I have also learned a lot about the disease from the book Under the Influence, by Dr James Milam.

Hope you keep coming back, and if you find a meeting you can go to you will be warmly welcomed. I know the day I shakily walked into my 1^st meeting I found, after yrs of struggle, I was right where I needed to be.

In support

Ness

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I related to a lot of what you said. My mom is an alcoholic - has been drinking (that I am aware of) since I was in junior high. I'm 32 now. Before I got into the program, I did everything I could to try to get her to see what an effect she was having on our family. I never wanted to have friends over as a kid because she would be drunk and embarrassing. I could never talk to her because she wouldn't remember the next day. I tried everything - talking rationally, crying and screaming, pouring out the alcohol I could find, searching for alcohol that was hidden, etc. It had no effect. When she got ready, she spent 2 years in AA. Now she's back out - has been for several years now.

I don't ever call her out for drinking when I'm around her and she's drunk. I wish I could talk to her and know she was mentally present. There is no point in calling out a drunk person and getting in an argument, in my opinion. My mom is not rational when she's drunk. She's not too rational when she's sober either, frankly. If there was a safety issue, as another poster mentioned, I would do what was necessary to protect her physical safety and my own - but no more than that. It's her decision. As much as I wish she'd make a different decision, it is not my choice.

I don't feel anything anymore really, either, except maybe a little bit of sadness that she's sick. I wish she were sober and I could call her to watch my children. I have talked to my sponsor about the fact that I feel nothing and my sponsor feels that it is a defense mechanism that I am using because I am afraid of what my feelings would be if I let myself go there. I'll be trying to get to the bottom of that in due time. For now, one day at a time.

You already appear to understand a lot of things it took me a loooong time to understand. For starters, you know that you are frustrated because you've been trying to change your mom's behavior instead of your own. It took me forever to understand why I was so frustrated!

Welcome, and hope to see you back here often!

Summer

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I could relate very much to your share. My younger sister is a classic alcoholic, drank to excess immediately she was able to drink beer (which was 16 in the UK) and has been drinking daily ever since.

I have had a lot of anger, sadness and frustration at her for years. Coming to al anon was very helpful to me. What was also helpful was to pursue adult children of alcoholics meetings and literature. There are many many people in al anon who have aca issues, many of them can relate how those traits affect them to this day. There is a great deal of hope in recovery. While we certainly do adopt the three c's in al anon, we can't cure it, can't control it and didn't cause it, we have the ability to participate in life on another level. I have now met many people who can relate their recovery, they have lives that are impressive. I hope you will choose to give recovery a chance on many levels. While it is certainly challenging the rewards are rich and tangible.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.