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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think, My Last Meeting (F2F) was about 2 weeks ago! Not good for me! I see Now why I continue to stay IN this program, for with out it, I Tend to go backwards...
In that F2F, We Spoke on 4th Step, I had said that when left now to my own thoughts, they tend to be cloudy, now that I have "STOP" and reminded myself "Daily" that it was "None Of My Business" Yet now that I have done that, I at times tend to feel "Isolated or even Lonely". I can't say I have a Bad marriage, we grow n learn together daily, and we do talk, but he isn't always at my beck n call tho... So I tend to reach out, to someone/something that will some how be a benifet to someone... Sometimes ME, Sometimes Them.... I guess this is me trying to "keep" my Faith alive...But I haven't "reached" in a while...
In the last two weeks, I have had many ups and downs, I had a date night with my Best Friend :) and we Danced the night away, was wonderful, took about 48 hours to recover from the loss of sleep, but was worth it...Yet in Going.. I Missed the " Al-Anon/AA Graditude Breakfast For our local area" I had bought a ticket for... N i can't stop beating myself up about that, for letting my friends down... Slump
My Uncle who has been sick for some time, he Passed this Tues, I found out that night, at 10:45PM So that night left more loss of sleep, and i really haven't been right since..I feel like I need a lift, a piece of "Faith" because its like it is slowly goin backwards again... I am upset of course that my Uncle passed, but at the same time, I know his suffering is over, he was 81... He was the Largest "Faith Riddin Man" I have ever had the privlage of knowing and loving, So I know he went to his God, his HP, I have been prayin it for a while, so to end his suffering...
Last night, something as simple as dinner had drove another hole in me, went to the market and got some stuffed fish, well... It has had me not feeling good at all, I went to bed early, and still felt bad this morning so I didn't walk my boy to the bus stop, (I don't do) and slept on the couch for about 2 hours, missing work (I don't do) and tonight, I get to go to the funeral home to honor such a sweet man, and tomorrow I wish him Good Will... So the slump is getting larger, and of course my meeting is tonight so again I can't go, Slump! I have another one Sun, but just asking HP (Who I haven't been spending much time with) too please carry me thru...
I have members/friends that ALWAYS tell me, Please call Me! Yet... I am parolized to do so, its like, even now, righting this, I feel I am effending someone by whinning... On my Pitty Pot.. If I did call, I wouldn't even know what to say, other then "I'm Miserable, Exausted, Strungout, all and my Belly Hurts Bad!"..."How are You?"
One of the "Wisest" ladys in our group, I adore, She is a little lady, blind (walks with a stick), prob. late 70's, been in program over 20 some years.. I had mentioned to group one night that at times now I tend to get "Bored" ... This lady, comes up to me at the end of the meeting, and crattles my hands like only a Caring lady could, and she said that she was worried about me, when I stated that I was "Bored" She said for "HER" when she became bored she also then became self distructive... She said For Her, she would feel yourself back sliding, and at times she didn't know if she would have the strength to get it goin again... I can So Relate to that right now....
I don't know that I am bored, or that I just can't seem to get out of the line of fire...Something as Little as Ordering flowers for my Uncle became Stressing thing, because I had to handle it, and everyone else called and said.. Can I be on the card too... It could have been simple, I made it dificult, all because I was sure there was no room left on the card...lol... with all the names & differant Last names... Yeah... This is were I am... Turning petty into mountains..
I mean, looking out my window in the office, it is beautiful, but I don't feel beauty.. I don't really know what I feel, I am that "Detached" from myself, I am going to make sure that I have a book handy after I'm done here because I haven't even opened one in a very Long Time!! Slump...
SO this has been my absents, this has been my Pity Pot Excuse, ANd I can honestly say... I don't care for this side of me at all... And tend to begin Clawing my Way back up... I'm sorry I have been of No help to any one, but truly I am of no help to myself currantly either...
Don't konw what is triggering it, this is the same funeral home that I planned my Afathers funeral in (not that long ago) that i have to attend tonight & tomarrow.. so I don't know if that started this, or if it is all in my head, either way, I need to get ahold of some answers... I feel Selfish for feeling this way, and have no idea why...
I would be so Grateful for ESH, Gratitude, Something your going thru or have gone thru, your recovery from it... Searching to get out of my "Wonder" and into my "Life"
Love & Prayers Thanks for listening...
Jozie
-- Edited by Jozie on Friday 23rd of April 2010 10:14:27 PM
((((((((((Jozie)))))))))))))))))), Oh sweet lady. Don't you see that just by coming here and posting such an honest post you ARE helping peolpe and yourself at the same time. Please stop beating Jozie up we love her just as she is.
It sounds to me like you have had a lot happen to you in just a few short weeks and wihtout the meetings to re-fuel your serenity you are handling everything the best you can and no one can or should ask for more from you.
I too have suffered from the 1 ton phone (that is how heavy it feels when I am hurting and really needing to reach out for help) but that is why people give you their number.....so you can call when you are in need. The beauty of this program is when we give to someone we get back so much more than we gave. So not only will the person you call be helping you, but also themselves as well.
Jozie I am so sorry for your loss. Take comfort that you know where he is and that his suffering has ended. I am sure the flowers are going to be beautiful and the card will turn out just right.
When I start to beat myself up for what I have not been doing I remember that my awareness that something is off and being able to see that is a huge blessing. It shows me that I am learning....no matter how many times I need to learn that lesson.
Take care of you. You so deserve it!
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I tend to overschedule too. Sometimes we have to make choices rather than be perfect!!!!
I want every single day to be a good day, the moderately okay ones don't feel right. No wonder I was up and down with the alcoholic.
I'm sorry your Uncle died. I hope you have time to grieve and regroup, sounds like you have a very hectic schedule.
My doctor view sleep as essential. I am always quizzed about my sleep history when I go. 7 hours is pretty good. If I don't sleep I lay down and relax in a quiet room. I don't get up!
Your life doesn't have to be perfect you can have ups and downs in recovery. The main thing is that you are in it, committed and incredibly honest.
Hey Jozie, you are such an inspiration to me, you KNOW it works if you work it ..........keep it simple......it's all part of lifes great tapestry............day at a time.
I am so sorry for the loss of your special uncle. I know this is a very hard time for you so please just keep showing up, doing the best you can and trust that HP has you in the palm of HIs hand. He know that at times we are unable to pray, unable to connect and the best we can do is show up It is then that He will Carry US.
Be very gentle with yourself and remember not to be into HALT. You will be on the other side shortly.
Wow What a Couple of weeks:
I have another one Sun, but just asking HP (Who I haven't been spending much time with) too please carry me thru... 
