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I am really glad to have found this message board! Feeling the need to share...
Three months ago, after having an intervention for my bf, he agreed to go to rehab. I was so happy and relieved. He stayed for detox, but those people were "crazy losers". He was so "bored". He was "not as bad" as them. Needless to say, he didn't stay for the rehab. On the day he was supposed to get out of detox he begged me to come and pick him up and take him home, but I said no. He is VERY manipulative and I am VERY codependent, so it was a little miracle that I didn't do it!
I set the boundary that I wouldn't be with him until he had a few months of sobriety under his belt. This was so hard to keep! He would call me endlessly and tell me he was doing really well, and beg me to see him. Endless texting, calls, and emails to which I wouldn't respond, but I was completely caught up in obsessing too, wondering what he was thinking about me, how could I be so mean, thinking to myself "well- he really wasn't that bad" etc. But, I constantly read al-anon literature, went to meetings, started working the steps.
About every few weeks, I would break down and answer the phone. I needed my fix. I realized that I was afraid the calling and texting would stop and would hook him back with some hope that I was still hanging on and that I loved him, too. Part of my thinking was "how could I let someone go who loved me so much- who was trying so hard to be with me?" I know that this was old stuff from family of origin where I never felt loved and this is why his "love" is so compelling and I got hooked. Someone suggested that I block his calls and texts, which gave me some freedom and relief. Having some al-anon tools, I was able to put my needs first- not worry about what he was thinking about me or worried about if he thought it meant that I didn't love him. He got wise to that, though, and borrowed someone else's phone, and I did end up talking to him. I did have some al-anon tools, though, and remained somewhat detached.
The other night he did it again- borrowed someone else's phone and called me. He convinced me that he was sober and was going to meetings and was actually counseling ME on the steps. Very convincing (and perhaps cunning, on his part!) I agreed to go to an AA meeting with him. I had not seen him since the day I dropped him off at detox over three months ago.
It was so weird to see him again! But he was sober and willing. It was a good meeting and he shared honestly. We talked for a couple of hours after the meeting. He was so uncomfortable and DIFFERENT! I don't think I have ever been with him at night when he was sober. I realized that the person I knew, who was so confident and talkative, was the drunk person. I didn't know this insecure, quiet man. And now I know why he is an AH. He is so uncomfortable with his real self. I don't think he could ever believe that this real person is preferable to the drunk one, but it is not my job to convince him.
While I recognize that it was a risk to my own al-anon sobriety to see him, I am so happy with the miracle that has taken place. I was not thinking about what would happen next between us. After he left I felt at peace and went to bed. I am not obsessing about him, wondering what he is thinking about me. In fact, I am ok with whatever happens next.
When I came to al-anon three months ago, I was in desperate pain over this man, completely depressed and I felt I had lost myself. I didn't know how I could live without him. I feel it is a miracle that I am where I am right now. I am grateful.
Thank you for letting me share.
Hope
-- Edited by hopeforme on Friday 23rd of April 2010 10:34:30 AM
-- Edited by hopeforme on Friday 23rd of April 2010 10:37:14 AM
-- Edited by hopeforme on Friday 23rd of April 2010 10:43:27 AM
Time is a huge boundary for me. I'm no longer available for long long talks, in fact if I am having them with anyone its probably me trying to get them to do something.
I don't know if you have a copy of the book Getting them Sober, there is an incredibly generous offer for one at the top of the page. Get that, review the secion on early sobriety. Revise your expectations the bigger our hopes the deeper the hook.
Yes you are getting it. I completely understood when you had that moment of clarity when you saw the A's vulnerability and saw the true person. That is such a rare moment, especially me being married to the A for 26 years. He didnt have many sober moments. There were a few though.
I use to tell him , "If you only knew what you have and what your gifts are."That they didn't have to do this charade, that they were great as they are.
I hope you stay in recovery and I wish you the best. Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 23rd of April 2010 02:33:22 PM
Aloha Hope for me...welcome to the board and geee it should like you are working it as suggested. It sounded familiar to when I got into Al-Anon also; "the phone has an off switch...use it." LOL All of those lessons worked wonders for me too and I'm glad you are experiencing the recovery also. Keep coming back!! ((((hugs))))
I am also trying hard to have no contact to concentrate on my own recovery and leave him to his. Its so hard he tries every way he can think off to hook me in. I visualise it as if a drink was calling him up.
Today I can see just like you that I am addicted to him just as much as he is addicted to drink. For the first time in my life thanks to al anon I want to learn to mind my own business and take care of me.
