The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel as though I have tripped and landed back on step one. Have I truly let go and let God? Am I still trying to control my destiny by staying in a relationship with my A to keep our girls safe, to keep me from being vulnerable, to not feel abandoned? If that is not living in denial and letting fear keep me in a holding pattern then I don't know what is...
I am struggling with attending a family function in another State. I love traveling once I am there and experiencing new things, but I hate worrying about leaving the A home. Isn't that not letting go?
I am also struggling with the fact that I am in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. What am I so afraid of...why can't I just let go, let God and move on??
To answer your question, my esh is you are not ready. You have not been beaten up enough yet.
Not meaning to be mean either. Same as the A has to have had enough, and do anything to get into recovery, we need to get to a place where we are not going to take it anymore.
For me I had to wait until I was ready to take steps. This end one now is the divorce. I am so ready. so ready. I feel basically numb about him. But I suppose it helps that he is not who he used to be at all. Not a nice person.
If he was him, he would be with me. I put it in hp's hands big time. I wanted to be sure.
I don't understand what makes a person think their kids are safe living with an A. As far as vulinerable, I know for me, I was thrust into that position with a three and four year old when my first husband who was A was killed.
I was very scared, always was a mommy stay at home type. So I was pushed into working, going to college, being the best single mom I could be.
And ya know, it made my life 100% better! I grew confidense, intelligence, patience, integrity, self love, self dependant, strong mom for my kids, able to face life and find options to make things ok with HP's help.
I believe when we stay stuck in a pit, we get nowhere, we donot grow, our children don't grow, becuz it is not what we say it is what we do.
Being vulinerable is not always a bad thing. If we choose to, we can learn not to be and never be again.
I am not one to talk as I am dealing with this myself. We are addicted to our A's. I can't tell you how to let go... since I struggle. But I do know what is right and wrong. I do know the nature of my caring heart trumps my logical thinking. Feelings distort what is truly best for me. Why have I stayed, because he loves me and needs me. Who else will take care of him and love him the way I do? I have come to realize that my head and heart are at odds. We can't follow our heart. We need to use our mind. We need to focus on what is true, what is real and what is now. The truth is they are A's, what is real is they need help and we are not enough, what is now is how helpless we feel, how vulnerable we are and how their alcoholism devastates us and our children. It not only controls them but us.
HEY Leetle!! Aloha!! You're alive and kicking. Missed you. You might be facing the Faith door. Perfection is not required to open and go thru it just willingness and courage and the awaress that HP and everyone else are in support and will be there for you, ((((hugs))))
In my case the first steps of letting go only came when I faced the realisation of what misery, I and my children were living in...believe me I was like an actress for the first part of our 4 year marriage, pretending and putting up the "we are all ok" banner for others to see...I was so good at pretending...I think it was then and it was my belief that in my case that was my rock bottom of this terrible, cunning disease...I finally walked away... I take each day at a time...not giant leaps..tiny steps to my own recovery.
I hope you give yourself a break and not only go to the family function but really be there to enjoy it. It's so easy to spend all our time missing all the wonderful little moments we do have in our lives because we are living in our heads worrying about the past and future.
A doc once put it to me this way....He said, "See this clip board? It's my clip board. I need it, but I can't carry it with me everywhere I go, it's too heavy. So I can set it down sometimes, it will be there anytime I want to pick it up again, it's not going anywhere."
He told me to try to set my worries down every now and then. Try 30 mins here, an hour there and soon it get's a little easier. The worry, stress and strain we choose to carry around with us is far too heavy not to take little breaks now and then and do something kind and loving for ourselves.
You will do the right thing for you and your girls when you are ready. Please don't beat yourself up.
Nice to see your sweet face again. It's been too long. Always remember that an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do. It doesn't matter if your here or away. There's nothing you can do about it. Think about taking a break from the chaos and go have some fun. You deserve the break. You deserve to have fun. Turn him over to his HP. If you really want go then by all means go. You can do this. You're a strong woman. Don't be a stranger. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Can relate on some level. My A is my son. I thought I had hit my bottom when I walked through the doors of Alanon. But seems as though my bottom has a spring I had been told what to do, how to do it etc by so many people I didn't know wether I was coming or going any more. My son lives at home and his addiction was a daily things for us. I was so glad to hear when I got here not to make any major decisions until I was in and working the program for 6 months to a year. I so needed that time to work the program and make decisions that were right for me and rational. Not the threats I was spewing out all the time cause I wasn't ready to back them up just yet. Son is in jail at the moment and with rational decsion making and much prayer he knows he will not be coming home upon release. This was HUGE for me. knowing he could be out on the street homeless, jobless etc. I have secured him a bed in a sober living home upon his release and it will then be up to him what decisions he chooses to make. This decision took much time so don't rush yourself. You will know the right answer at just the right time. HP will handle the details God Bless
You ask alot of questions and it reminds me of myself.
When I first came to the rooms I was FULL of questions and I wanted answers so badly. I purchased every piece of CAL I could get my hands on, I scoured them looking for answers to all these questions. I realized I wanted a quick fix and I was still trying to control the influx of information and therefore my healing time, my journey and my process. My sponsor would smile and just remind me, "Trust the process." This infuriated me, because I wanted to get better and I was SURE that I could push it along, but we are the same as our A's. They will not get sober or clean until they are ready and not a moment sooner. We spend all of our time trying to instigate a change, trying to bring their "bottom" on quicker than may be what their journey has in store for them. As the disease becomes more powerful than us, we double our efforts to control and thus end up feeling out of control - completely.
For me, my obsessing I have realized recently, is a physical reaction. I was actually reading this book on Abandonment which is one of my many issues :) And I was comforted by the reality that the heart pounding, mind racing obsessing that we engage in, is our body's physiological response to what we fear to be a threat to our survival and security. We feel we need to control our A's in order to remain sane and to feel secure and comfortable with ourselves and our lives - so when this is threatened we a thrust into that cycle and we act out in the "fight or flight" response.
My sponsor also gently encouraged me to keep it simple. I have always been a complex thinker; an OVER thinker - as I am sure sooo many of us here, are. I had to learn to just keep going to meetings, reach out to program people because it was the only way I could help the silence the mind. You're not alone.
