The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm still living with my AH, due to separate and move 4 states away in late May after graduation from college. So there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but....
Living with his negativity is wearing me down! He is always angry, depressed, drunk or ALL OF THE ABOVE 24/7! He's had plenty of opportuties to get into recovery, but he's chosen to drink himself to death instead, and that's fine, I'm out of here in five weeks. But in the meantime, he's wallowing in misery and trying his best to pull me down with him!
I am SUPER stressed with my upcoming move (about 10x more stressful than his 6 blocks away move, let me add), my last semester of college (!!!), leaving all of my friends, my sister who is still hurt by the fact that I'm moving even though she doesn't live anywhere near us (I know, makes no sense), the stress of my soon-to-be roommate trying to get the house we're going to live in, plus all the other little things in life like paying bills, etc...
But HE'S upset and depressed and stressed out and snapping at me?!?!? HIS life is so bad?!? REALLY?
And I know I don't have to tiptoe around him, but I also know that if I am "in a bad mood" or express any negativity, it will turn into a huge fight because he's already so negative and he gets even more so when I say anything that's not nice. Besides, ONE of us has to act like a normal human being in this house! So I feel like I'm not even allowed to have normal emotions in my own space.
*deep breaths*
Thanks for listening, MIP family. I know things will be all right, and I'm talking to my HP. It's just hard right now, and I had to vent.
__________________
"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
hey it is my experience that part of taking care of ourselves is to do what makes us feel better. Venting gets it out, and we care.
I think I would be spending more time at the library or in my room with the door closed.
But then you are probably packing.
A's HATE change. Remember they are the age they were when they started using! Look what YOU are doing to HIS world. His focus is him and he does not like this.
Headphones? ear plugs? The disease likes to think it is in control huh?
You have a bunch of finals soon too don't cha?
When you finally get outa there, live with out the disease, it will hit you at some point how awful it really all was.
At least that was my experience. I have never lived with anger and all that you described before!
I hear ya- the stormcloud- perfect description! You just be your sunshiney self and nevermind mr stormcloud- sometimes it would help me to visualize my ex A all wrapped up in a warm soft blanket in the arms of his HP. Letting go, letting go...hang in there it just keeps getting better and better, believe me!!!!!!!!!!!!! J.
You know when I was leaving the ex A he acted like it was no big deal. I know I "left" him many times before why would he not think I would boomerang back.
This week I had a call from his storage company. When I was hooked in I would instantly go into responsibility and want to know. I've adopted the mandate of "not knowing" in order to detach. So I did call back because I did not want another call and simply told them please take my number off the list. I had no inquiry, no remonstration, nothing. I let it go.
I know for years and years I felt absolutely responsible when the ex A raged, drank, used drugs, floundered and floundered so more. He never had any reason, no matter what he said and did (and he did some very very ugly things) to believe I would let go. He always felt he could call and I would "jump" at his needs.
I don't anymore buts its been a long hard slog of rage, grief, raging some more, remonstrating, blaming him, wandering why I took it and floods of emotions from sadness, bewilderment, anger, grief, ambivalence the works.
Leaving for me began when I came to al anon I saw tools, I eventually used them because I knew of nothing else to deal with the pain. I saw opportunities rather than despair, I saw hope in other people's lives and felt I deserved it too.
You deserve peace, tranquility, love, healing and respect. You are on your way there.
