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Thank Goddess for Al Anon. The program has helped me build of framework of sanity in a very hard time.
I came to the point of complete saturation in being able to see my alcoholic wallow in his misery in our house and be emotionally unstable in front of the kids. They know their dad is depressed and that it has nothing to do with them, but I haven't specified that he's an alcoholic yet. (I was hoping he'd grow up and tell them himself but think his chance is gone). He's been edging up to the pool of recovery for the last few months and went 20 steps backwards a few weeks ago.
Anyway, on Sunday, I calmly asked him where he was in terms of starting recovery and he couldn't answer. At All. I told him I had reached saturation level and that life in our house coulden't continue as is. I said that if he was ready to start recovery that I was behind him all the way but that the circus had gotten way too loud and had to go somewhere else. He said he thought he'd better get his things packed and leave. I told the kids that he was spending "a few days by himself" because he's depressed and it had nothing to do with them.
So it's two days later and he hasnt' called to talk to the kids. He's staying in a cheap motel three blocks away. How do I know? $300 was charged on our bank account (all my check). I've started a new bank account and am working on the other practical matters.
I have a sense of relief that the stalemate is broken - I really couldn't watch him killing himself anymore and didn't think it was real healthy for the kids either. I really hope that he finds his bottom soon because I still love him and have faith in him as a person.
Now that the initial wave is gone, I'm wondering - what next? I think it's time to put a name on his disease so the kids have some clarity.
Alcoholism isn't a rare disease Kelly Co... If your kids are teens or close ask them for feedback about it and let them fill in the gaps with what they already know. Alcoholism isn't a moral issue so it's not about him being a bad person. Alcohol is a chemical depressant so you got a connection there. Don't dance around "calling it" and then go get the literature that you and they can read to get a handle on what is going on. If they are 12 or older see if there in an Alateen group in your neighborhood. If they are pretty mature take them to Al-Anon with you and let them listen. One of the metaphors for denial about the disease in the family is the "Elephant in the livingroom"; everyone walks around it and its there.
Give it a name. Listen to the name they give it and drag it into the light.
What next after two days of this... I would say, detach and re foucs. If u sit and stare wating for him to do -anything- ur life may be on hold a long time. Get busy, enjoy ur life, work on YOU. You will need a prgram no matter what ur AH does or does not do, we all get sick living with active addiction. Kids gets sick from growing up it it as well. Alateen and alanon are great ideas to pursue with ur kids. Focus on what u can do, and do that, take care of you, whatver that looks like. As u find recovery and work on ur issues, u will get better and it will effect others. Kids want security and will emulate the saner looking parent.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My parents never talked to me about my mom's alcoholism when I was a kid and living at home. It was something we were not allowed to talk about - not because someone specifically told me not to talk about it with my sister or the rest of my family, just that the environment was oppressive and sick. Everyone pretended everything was normal but I knew it wasn't. My mom, the alcoholic, has still never talked to me about it. She started going to AA a few years ago, and even then she never talked to me about it. She went back out and doesn't go to meetings anymore. I stopped waiting to hear the words "I am an alcoholic" from her a long time ago.
I think the best thing is to detach from the outcome of the situation and level with your kids. Kids perceive when things aren't right. I agree that by ignoring it, it just becomes the elephant in the room ... the obvious thing that nobody discusses but everyone knows is there.
From the perspective of one who grew up in an alcoholic home (take what you like from this), my experience was much like White Rabbit's. I knew my parents were alcoholics and would loved to hear validation of my thoughts/fears. Yet I was supposed to believe that it was perfectly normal for someone to pass out cold in the middle of a sentence, and just carry on the conversation as though nothing had happened.
To this day, it's the elephant in the room. I've never heard either of my parents use the word "alcoholism", even when my mother was lying in a hospital bed dying of cirrhosis.
IMO, giving the "what's wrong" a name is important. It validates, and gives a course of action to combat the effects.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
KellyCo, asking him about recovery is like asking a cancer patient when they will go into remission. It is a disease, he did not choose to be an addict.
Of course you love him, however that does not mean you have to live with him.
Have you read Getting them Sober. I believe Toby Rice Drew has some excellent pointers on early recovery and not recovering. The big one is to examine your expectations at all times.
The ex A who I was with did a lot of "leaving" "sulking", "stonewalling" and asking to be rescued. Generally I captiulated. I took a long long time to get to detachment. I also did not really want to face myself and to face the issues I had. He was always in chaos, there was always a conflict going on and no time or space to do that.
I went to counselling and I know that gave me a huge lifeline, I had somewhere to take my despair, anger and sense of defeat.
I would suggest working the tools as best you can as well as making a plan be. If you are thinking on any level how to get out the plan be will illuminate what you need to do. Extracting ourselves from a enmeshed relationship does not happen in one swoop.
For me personally I stayed for quite a while and made a plan be. I looked at my options ( I did not like any of them). I took actions daily. I recruited a support group (mainly from this board). I asked for help and I got it.
