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I would really like some feedback on this please....
For the past two years I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man who is 6 years sober and a very active member of AA.
The problem is...although he is sober his disease has become quite active in the way of a food addition. I know this is common...food (ice cream, chocolate), sex, work, and all sorts of other things to take the place of alcohol. He is aware of this as well. We have always been able to talk very openly about recovery.
The thing is, for the first while I seemed to be dealing with this partly in a detached Al-Anon way and partly with plain old denial. Well the denial has lifted and I see just how damaging this is. My A has gained 50lbs and it is crushing his self-esteme. When we met he had a personal trainer and was part of a running club. Now he doesn't want to be seen in public. His health is reaching a critial point with him already having major liver damage from his drinking and druging days and the extra wieght, sugar and fat overload has pushed him to hypothyroidism and insolin resistance. He's to the point he sleeps most of the day and is unable to work. He will easily eat a gallon of chocolate ice cream and several large chocolate bars in a night.
He knows what this is doing to himself and that it is just as deadly for him as picking up again. He know where to get help but told me flat out the other night that he has no plans to stop eating the junk food in the near future.
I need help resetting my boundries with this. He has some major legal issues going on right now and his family is being very unsupportive with it all. I am his support in all of that and want to continue to be. He in turn has been my support while I deal with my own legal battle. We have helped each other get through a lot of tough stuff but this different. I told him when we got together that I wouldn't stick around for a relapes if it were to happen. He understood. How different is this? I don't want to end things but I wounldn't stick around and watch him drink himself to death so do I watch him eat himself to death?
I don't think food addiction is that different from alcohol addiction, in that you can't change it and you can't cure it. As to whether you stick around -- the question would be whether you can detach and let it be what it is. There's no one choice here. It sounds as if it's hard for you to watch this happening. So to stick around with serenity would mean some working on yourself and your detachment, so this all doesn't drive you crazy.
To me your friend sounds depressed. That wouldn't be surprising. It's a challenge for a partner to be with someone depressed without being drawn into it. If he has already been through a program, he knows where to get help.
It's sad when people do things that hurt them -- but it's not uncommon. And they get the dignity of their own choices, just as we do. Keep on taking care of yourself.
He is most definately depressed. I tried speaking with him alittle about this today and he wasen't having any of it. It's a very sensitive subject for him. He was upset with me yesterday and felt that I had pulled back from him and we spent the day apart instead of together as planned. I did my best today to explain that I was very worried about his health and was finding it difficult to watch him treat himself this way. In true alcoholic fashion he flipped it back around on me. He said he was feeling attacked, more stressed then ever now and that I was making something that is really very small into something big and all about me. I dropped it and he left. I texted him and told him I love him...which I do.
More and more I am seeing this like you said...no different then alcohol. Therefor I guess I just have to accept there is nothing I can do. I was in an alcoholic marriage for 24 years and this is triggering old fears in a new relationship.
Agatha, these are my thoughts and experience. He has the disease of addiction whether he drinks, shoots up, eats, works, runs whatever!
It is very natural that they have to find another "passion!" We hope it is one that will not harm them. With mine it was work. Mine would have worked 7 days a week 12 hours a day. I am not kidding. He promised me he would keep week ends free when we got married and he did. (o: Though he would build things around here, do the burning, feed the animals, uno farmy stuff which was great. But in truth he was still working 12 hours! At least I was able to look at him, take him lunch, goof around.
I was happy to have him with me with no conditions.
Then he had a brain tumor removed. Medical relapse and brain damage. MAJOR. Never could get back to his strong recovery.
I learned thru this sites people/Al Anon to be with him even when he smelled like alcohol or whatever. It was fine, he was here. But the disease was bored. I am a strong Al Anoner, would not argue, fight, the disease could not manipulate me. So he left.
The thing is Agatha, again we have no right to tell them what to do, or voice things anymore then they do with us. What if you gained 50 pounds would you want your spouse who you believe loves you unconditionally to bring it up?
This is my experience. He knows where he is. He will feel like he is not worth loving, that you only see his tummy not him.
My adoptive mother, (adopted me after my mom died in 2000) Was a BIG lady. 400-500 pounds. Food addiction. Dad and her had been together since they were 15! Very loving couple. He NEVER brought it up as he knew it would hurt her. He loved he no matter what and helped her.
We found out she was diabetic and had other health problems. She worked on changing things and was doing great, becuz she wanted to.
Another example. A very loving couple again, she was oh maybe 300 lbs. or 250. They slept in a double bed! She was so cute. She was losing weight too. Her reason was because the Bible is clear we are to keep our bodies as healthy as we can. Our belief. Her husband told her not to lose too much as he loved her just like she was!
My husband gained weight when he was first married to me. He ate healthy and a lot! He was always 30 31 jeans When he got up to 32 he could not face it. lol He looked so good.
Now he is a stick.
I would have never left him becuz he had gained weight or anything. I really loved him unconditionally "all" my life. He did me too. (the brain damage changed that)I am not a small or big woman. maybe a few extra pounds. BUt I like me as I am. Could use a tummy tuck but after babies and surgeries....
But I am build like my family, stocky, muscley and healthy!
If any man I ever was loved by was concerned about MY weight/health I wouldn't fee comfortable around them. Them saying they loved me would make zero difference.
It is totally up to you Agatha. I can see you really love him. (o: Sometimes for me, I realized I had to change ME. We cannot change anyone else.
We can learn to look past the negatives in the people we love and hope they do the same for us.
With A's it may be harder. If I could have the man who loved me with me again, I wish.
Been alone now 8 years and it is horribly hard. Divorce will be final very soon.
He lives with another a woman. She has pain pills....and does not care that he does not work.
I know this is long. I apologise. To be honest to me it is like leaving becuz he squeezes the tooth paste in the middle. It is not his legal stuff or his weight/health.
I believe it is your last sentence hon. You are afraid of a new relationship. When you see the negatives now it scares you.
So this is what makes us change ourselves. work on us. Maybe besides Al Anon, counseling to help you see whats inside you would help.
Glad you are here. ps I have the most beautiful long haired black cat named Agatha!
From what I understand having read a new book by Geneen Roth there is an addictive part to over eating. I don't think I view addictions as apples and oranges anymore. Every issue has its own recovery path. Many many people swap out one addiction for another, for some its transitory and for others it is not. There is recovery for people who want it and the issue of codependence can be very similar with any addiction but nevertheless there are hallmarks to dealing with different addictions. I don't really hold to the one size fits all pattern.
Im glad you are here and seeking out support for yourself. We all deserve that and expresisng our emotions, frustration and anger is a first step in identifying what is troubling us.
Thanks so much for your thoughts. You're right...I am afraid of a new relationship. The more I look at it the more I see that I always have one foot ready to run, not just in this relationship but with my family and friends as well. I'm afraid of being hurt again.
I watched my EXAH fall into depression, way over eat, stop caring about himself, me, our marriage and our family. I find the hardest thing about loving an alcoholic is looking into the eyes of someone you love...and they're not there. I haven't gotten over the anger of watching my husband fade away...just disappear. The anger of being abandoned no matter how hard I fought to hang on to him. Now I've trusted someone new with my heart and I'm terrified it's going to happen again.
I didn't realize until just now that I'm still grieving the loss of my EXAH...my marriage...my family. Wow...now I finally know why I'm angery. I think I'm seeing this for the first time for what it really is. Maybe now I might really be able to let it go.
