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Hi Eveyone, been having a bit of a tough time my ex ABF is letting himself in my house when my son was in before I got home from work. He was drunk been on a bender for a week. He asked me to take him to the hospital that he wants to go to rehab he wants to die. I took him but really did not want to be there. I rang my sponsor she said it was no longer my responsibilty and if I want to leave then I should. I went into the hospital gave him his bus fare and went to my meeting. It hurt so much I sobbed when I reached the meeting but I know now I want to fix me, he needs to fix him. He rang at 10 .30 in the night I was angrey. I went to the hospital he tried to hook me in again but I can see it now. I took him home to his mums and said could he please not contact me again, I need to fix me and look after my kids.
I was getting ready last night to go to a party and he walked in my room. He got very angrey when he saw I ws going out. He pushed me. I could see he is scared he is lossing me. I got ready and went out. I rang my brother he went to my home the A had gone he locked it up and I sayed in my brother last night. The A has been ringing to day and I have not answered the phone, He sent a txt saying goodbye I love you will see you up there. I still never answered, he sent anothe txt and then rang. I never picked up the phone and deleted the txt. He is in a really bad place. There is no more I can do. He achieved sobriety but today the disease is raging in him. I prayed and ask Hp to look after him. I am finally accepting that I can not fix him and that this disease is taking me down. I have to be a good mum that is my responsibilty I have to do this for my kids.
any ESH would be gratefully received hugs
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 18th of April 2010 12:27:42 PM
This is so hard. If he has dealt with rehab he knows where to get help. He knows how to get in touch with counselors and he knows he can go to any AA meeting, and there are multiple meetings every day. You are not his HP (as you know). I know you must be worrying about him killing himself. Sometimes they need great pain before they are motivated to change how they live their lives. But if he really wants help, there is help all around him, and he knows what to do to ask for it from the people who can really give it.
I do notice that when he sent you that message, he said, "goodbye I love you will see you up there" -- not "I feel so bad I might kill myself, I need help," but a sort of sideways message, like "I at least am forgiving, I'm going to the afterlife and you don't even care, but I forgive you" -- don't you get a little hint of that in there? A little bit of guilt-inducing and manipulation? I don't mean to say I'm an authority on what he means, and maybe I'm wrong. But why be so dramatic when he could just go to meetings and ask a counselor for help? Is going to meetings a fate worse than death? If so, then that would be his choice. I don't mean to be dismissive of the pain of all this, but it's sort of like a toddler saying, "If I can't have what I want I'm going to hold my breath till I turn blue!"
But you are right that you are the one you have to support here. I hope you are getting to as many meetings as you can and finding a sponsor and taking very good care of yourself. Things can get so much better. It seems hard to believe it in the middle of all this turmoil, but it's true. Hugs to you.
This is so soo hard. I was in a similar situation last summer. And from the esh i got from Alanon and non alanon (even a couple active A's) said to me that a suicidal person likely isn't going to say something they will just go ahead and do it. They are likely just looking for attention, or to be a victim and manipulate. And IF they are telling the truth there is still NOTHING you can do to change their actions.
As I was reading the end of your post looks like you have great esh yourself:
I never picked up the phone and deleted the txt. There is no more I can do. I prayed and ask Hp to look after him. I am finally accepting that I can not fix him and that this disease is taking me down. I have to be a good mum that is my responsibilty I have to do this for my kids.
I would just keep doing what you are doing. Keep the focus on YOU and the kids. Keep going to your meetings. There is NOTHING we can do. Hard for me to accept this at times, but it's the truth!! If they want help they know how to get it; it's not something we can do for them.
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I know it sounds harsh but at some point ya just gotta cut bait. No more responding. Don't react, don't respond, don't get in touch. No more. Cold turkey. They will call, they will text, they will email, they will get in. Change the locks. Try to change your routines if you can. Its time. You have made your decision, stick to your guns FOR YOU, unequivocally. I know its very very hard but it worked for me. Get on with the business of YOU and you alone (and your kids). Hugs, J.
