The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After a tumultious beginning to the new year chronicled by my posts here, it seems things are finally looking better and on the upswing. AH is finally in therapy and going faithfully to his AA meetings. He has sought support from our family doctor and is learning to live one day at a time. I have not returned home yet, but am planning to after I fulfill some obligations where I am staying and commit to rebuilding my marriage.
So what I am asking is for guidance from anyone here that has been here, done this and have been successful in restoring a long lasting relationship with your alcoholic.
When we love a person with cancer and it is in remission are we successful? They still have the disease, but for now we have some very precious time. We have no idea how long it will last.
But because of AlAnon we get to where we can stop the craziness and enjoy our sick loved one, one day at a time sometimes.
Sometimes for a day or a year or ten years. We never know. But it is a gift when they are working so hard with their disease. And a gift for us all when we also add Al Anon.
I am so glad you guys are having some precious good time. I know I am appreciative for Al Anon getting me to where I could just appreciate what I had while i had it.
Work your program hard and leave AH to his own program and dont baby sit or police what he is doing. Losing focus on you, feeds the disease for you both. Yes, it can be "successful" but you both have to work it, like Jerry said. The way to combat the disease, to stop enalbing him and to get healthy yourself, is to focus on you and work on your issues and unresolved "stuff".
First of year of recovery for an A is simply experiencing their feelings again. First step for me, was to focus on me, get to know who I was and what my true needs were vs. the fantasies I held in my head. You cant expect to get anythign from anyone else, u have to get it within ~ happiness is an inside job.
I would say, think soberly on what boundaries u can set and start with that slowly. If u havent seen the six guidleines to setting boundaries, let me know, I will send them to you.
Right now/today u can do soemthing positive for you, what will allow u to feel better? Do that, one day at a time. It gets so much better and youre worth it!
Im successful in program, I took my life back and have a loving partner whom I am committed to. I now define a healthy relationship as one in which the partners are willing to work together. He is not an A, bc that was my only stipulation for a realtionship. So, I say I am successful bc I am happy and have serentiy today. That was my choice bc of my issues to not seek out another A partner, I couldnt do it but many people do stay and find serenity whether their A is sober or not.
It is YOUr life.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
the definition of success is not one single thing for me- I am evolving and changing and growing so my definitions of what is successful are also evolving and changing and growing, one day at a time. I am happy joyful and free around 95% of the time and for me, that is pretty darn good. hugs, J.
I guess, like others I had to redefine what I wanted success to look like. At first it was a full and happy life with my clean and sober A. Then I became so miserable and desperate that success for me meant freedom and that meant freedom from my obsessing, self neglect and worry. I came to realize that if I wanted to stay with him, I needed to focus on me and make a life for me, that did not depend on him staying sober. That is the challenge. I had to understand the disease of alcoholism and that at any time it rear its ugly head.
I would have to agree with the others posted here , define success . For me joining this program was the smartest thing I have ever done for my family, I got the focus off of the alcoholic and back on what was really important , myself and my sons . This program improved every phase of my life so with or with out him this is a win win situation for me .. My husb has been sober for 20 yrs now and life is 200 percent better , with AA and my program we learned how to do this marriage stuff one day at time literally, it is the only way i know how to do this , with a sponsor and friends in program I keep the focus on me , when angry i talk to a sponsor first then with husb if its necessary. I heard along time ago take your problems to a sponsor or a meeting and go home with a solution .that works for me saves alot of stupid arguments about things that really don't matter anyway. Expectations are a killer I was told to lower them and accept whats offered and make it enough, any sober day is better than drunk something I had to remind myself often . Can a marrige raveged by alcoholism and everything it brings with it be salvaged ? Yes it can . good luck One day at a time anything is possible . Dont miss the good days by worrying about the future or focusing on the past and you will be just fine .
ACatnip I like all the answers that this wonderful family have provided. I will add that after 4 detox and rehabs my husband finally "got it" He stayed in AA and recoveered his health, job and life.
I attended alanon and had to change myself and exxpectations. I went back to work full time, began taking care of me, did my part for the marriage and let the rest fall as it may.
It grew bettter and stronger. After 7 years sober he contracted throat cancer and died within 8 months. He passed away sober, refusing to even take pain meds because he did not want to get addicted. My feelings for him had all returned. That was 25 years ago and I still miss him. I am eternally grateful to AA and alanon for the tools we received to rebuild our tattered lives.
Keep taking care of you Trust HP and Let Go and Let God.
Keep cming back.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of April 2010 12:34:37 PM
Hi ACatnip I was divorcing my AH. I had the decri nici and was 2 weeks off the decree absolute. Alanon was helping me to find me. It has helped me come to terms with my childhood and the pain of being married to an alcoholic. I still have a way to go but the program is helping me to grow as a person. This for me is the real joy of the program. I am very grateful for it and always will be one day at a time. I feel this is my success
My AH never went to rehab or detox. But somehow while we were seperated, he had a spiritual awakening and found his own way into his recovery program. He is working it every day and will be 4 years sober in May. His program has helped him come to terms with his childhood and alcoholic heritage. It is helping him one day at a time to stay sober and grow as a person.... He is very successful on a daily basis.
As we both work on our individual programs and focus on ourselves and not on eachother we have been able to live as a married couple again for the past 3 years. It is tough to keep away from stinking thinking and returning in our minds to what was. Our relationship has begun again in sobriety. We've been married for 26 years but only known eachother for 3 years. There are parts I like, parts I choose to accept and a lot I let go and let God deal with.
We are abnormal people trying to have a normal relationship...
Our marriage is working succesfully as long as we can stay honest I'm sure it will grow and mature one day at a time too.
NO marriage is easy. An alcoholic marriage is tough whether alcohol is involved or not. As with everything in Alanon though, my job is to be clear about my choices. It is my choice to stay and make it work. The minute I begin focusing on other people, places or things is the moment I invite the chaos back and let go of my serenity.
Recovery is a lifetimes journey and a commitment to myself. My Higher Power is steering the boat Marriage is a daily choice. Just for today I think it is a successful...yes
-- Edited by mon123 on Sunday 18th of April 2010 07:20:03 PM
Have you got the 'Courage to change' daily reader? In the index you'll see 14 entries on detachment and a couple on boundaries. The 'How Alanon Work' is really good too.
