The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
H went into rehab on Wednesday. I had to ask his family for the 250.00 copay because he left us with nothing.
My MIL was not told about this, my FIL told me not to say anything (they are divorced). But she ended up paying the copay and sent me a nasty letter and ending it with "tell him we love him and support him. I suggest you do the same."
All of a sudden FIL is we all need to support him and be there after I've begged for 4 months for help. And his response is that "If I shame the addict, I will lose the addict. I hope you don't lose him for us."
My family wants me to have nothing to do with him at all. That he better not come back here after he gets out of rehab. The rehab center called and said there was a family day today to learn about the disease and get help for ourselves. I asked my parents if they would babysit so I could go (I wouldn't see H, its just for the family of the addict.) They got mad and said why is this about him all the time?
My parents are very close minded so they'll never get why I need recovery. I don't know what I even want in the future, I'm just feeling pulled in 2 directions.
My parents more or less implied that if he comes here after rehab, there's going to be problems. (I rent my grandmothers house from them. And moving isn't an option since we/I am totally broke.)
I can't even get to a f2f meeting til one that welcome's kids on Monday. Called my sponsor but she basically said she has no answer.
I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it. I'm glad you're here today!
You know that family members of alcoholics are also sick ... including your MIL and FIL. I don't say that to excuse their actions by any means, as sending nasty letters is uncalled for. But perhaps realizing that they are sick can provide a bit of explanation at least of why they react the way they do. If they are not in recovery themselves, they may react out of fear and anger because they don't know any other way. If helps me to realize when other family members of mine are irrational, they are irrational because they're still stuck in the insanity that I'm working on getting out of. This helps me to have compassion and not feel angry in return. It also helps me to believe that I do not have to take on the shame they are throwing my way or to allow them to direct what decisions I will make for myself. Compassion is hard, particularly when I'm angry - but if I can get to the place where I feel even a little bit of compassion, I can start replacing my own anger and fear with more constructive things.
I don't know about your family of origin and whether it includes alcoholism, but if so, it may be that your family is also reacting out of fear and anger because they don't know any other way. I know my parents (my mother is an A and my stepfather is an untreated Alanon) VERY OFTEN want me to do what they want me to do and when they want me to do it - and they get irritated and angry if I don't. They want to pretty much make my decisions for me. This is reeeally irritating to me and I struggle with it sometimes. I'm still learning how to effectively set boundaries with my own parents.
Setting a boundary with your in-laws may be appropriate - such as, "I will not accept being talked to that way. In the future, if you talk to me in that manner, I will leave/hang up the phone/etc." The boundary is to protect you, not to punish them. Nobody deserves to be blamed or shamed for someone else's actions. You already know that whether your AH gets sober or doesn't is out of your hands. Nothing you do or decide not to do will change whether he gets sober or not. There is no reason that you should have to continually have the responsibility for his sobriety put back on you.
Are there other meetings close to you that offer childcare for a meeting today? Do you have any neighbors or a friend that could watch your children for a bit?
I hope that you will do something nice for yourself today - you deserve it!
Blessings,
Summer
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Saturday 17th of April 2010 10:01:23 AM
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Saturday 17th of April 2010 10:05:59 AM
I was thinking about this after I logged off ... I myself have told someone else that they should be supportive of an alcoholic. Before I got into the program, I told my stepfather on several occasions that if he would just be supportive of my mom and getting her into rehab, etc., that she could get sober. I alluded to the fact that if he didn't do what I said, she wasn't going to get sober and it would be his fault. I probably owe him an amends when I get to steps 8 and 9. Anyway, I see in my own recovery that I just didn't get it yet. I just didn't understand that PROBABLY NO HUMAN POWER COULD HAVE RELIEVED [MY MOM'S] ALCOHOLISM (from the Big Book, How it Works). I was still operating under the assumption that some human power COULD fix her.
Thanks for the insight your post has given to me. I'm about to go to a meeting myself. :)
Thank you. FIL has been sober 20 years and is studying to be a drug and alcohol counselor so I would guess he knows the program. But he's also very controlling.
They live away and neither came to help H during his drug addiction.
My dad was a heavy drinker but stopped when his health started to suffer. They are just very judgemental.
Destynee you are the one who needs support and your respective families should realise and respect this. I supported my AH for years and it got neither of us anywhere. He still drinks and is now so ill I cannot leave him (we have been married 38 years and something keeps me caring for him).
I really wouldn't take any rubbish from his family. Do what YOU feel you need to do, take care of yourself - you are the most important person in this situation.
Sorry - there are no quick fixes - but we are here for you whenever you need us.
U do have a dilema going on- time to look after yourself ..some alcoholics need to blame and put the responsibilty on some one else for anothers recovery , even FIL sober for yrs and studying to be a councelor hasnt let go of the fact that this has nothing to do with you , you can support thier efforts at sobreity by having your own program , learning about the disease and how to let go and love him anyway. Keeping him sober is not your job any more than u were responsible for his using in the first place. This is not about you. regardless of what others say . Ask your parents to respect your decission to keep this man in your life ,( If that is what u want) - don't tell them whats going on that way they dont have a opinion or an excuse to give unwanted advice , this is your life not thiers . To continue in recovery for yourself is a must , even if u dont live together he is the father of your children he will be a part of your life for the rest of your life , might as well learn how to get along now and with Al-Anons help u can do that . Take care of yourself and children the rest will fall into place the way its supposed to . * hugs*
I was fortunate not to be influenced by what either side of my family said. I know my side would never think of telling their grown kids what to do.
As I read your share, good share btw, I thought so? So what do you CHOOSE to do? This is what makes marriages last longer when ya move away.
You cannot bring down your A or put him up. It is totally up to him. He can go to rehab, call his mom and ask for the copay himself. It is not our job. BUT it is ok it was done.
It is true when they totally do it all themselves the outcome can be better. BUT many do do well with a boost. Like giving a kid a bike but also seeing him want a bike, go mow lawns on his own and buy a bike. uno?
When the disease beats us down we lose our own self actualization. We lose our strengths our core. Al Anon shows us how to grow again.
