Hi Oppida

Welcome to MIP

YOur introduction was very clear and well written.  I understand your concerns and just wanted to tell you you are not alone. 

In reading about your husband's history it is clear that he could atend alanon or ACOA meetings.  Both of these groups are for people who grew up with this disease.  It does not appear he feels he has a problem so he will no doubt not be interested.  No one can tell if he is an alcoholic or how your life will play out..

His drinking is bothering you so that you should come to alanon. 

Alanon is for those of us who are concerned about anothers drinking.  Your family and you will benefit by your taking this action.

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:            http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page.  After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

Please come back and share  There are on line meetings here 2xs a day and 24/7 chat  YOu are not alone and sharing is the key to recovery.

Keep coming backL

Hi Op!

Welcome to alanon!

Your husband sounds a lot like mine!  He could not do anything without drinking.  And he is VERY high functioning also, a college professor...in MATH no less, yes a real scientist!  He also never drinks before or at work, but boy do I remember drunken lawn mowing!  I also remember drunken bike riding, drunken family parties, drunken college and high school graduations, drunken amusement parks...drunken EVERYTHING when he wasn't at work.

I also remember the "checking out" of family life and leaving me holding the bag...permantly.  I lived like a single parent, with a trust fund or something...he paid the bills and I did all of the work!

He too denied he was an alcoholic, he ascribed to the "skid row" alcoholic portrayal and thought an educated person who KEPT a professional job could no way be an A.

Well, I ascribe to the theory of "it it looks like a snake, moves like a snake, sounds like a snake and acts like a snake, then...IT IS A SNAKE"!  He is an alcoholic alright.  Oh, and alcoholism is progressive, years ago he would never drink and drive, towards the end, he drove drunk DAILY.  He would drive so drunk I wondered how he made it into the car and got the key in the ignition, after stumbling down the steps with his eyes closed moving in slow motion.  He would drive so drunk that he would arrive home hours later, asking me if I knew where he was going and what he was doing, as he would suddenly become aware that he was driving and did not know where or why. 

It was hard to detach from that, but I did.  It was no different than people driving texting and dialing on cells, which I see people doing constantly.  Statistics show that cell phone users now cause more accidents than drunk drivers!  So, like I detach from friends and family members who text while driving, I detached from his drunk driving and went on with my life.

Eventually he stopped drinking totally, just last year, but I think it is because he got physically sick or something.  We don't discuss why he stopped, that is how much I have detached, but I can only guess.  I would think that much drinking daily would make someome sick.  Daily blackouts can cause a lot of brain damage.

He must be some kind of genius to teach college level math with such hangovers everyday.  He used to write his lectures and grade papers so drunk he would pass out chewing and food would fall out of his mouth onto his papers.  He would delay eating for hours so that the alcohol would hit his empty stomach and he would get the maximum "buzz" to blackout stage, then he would try to eat and drink some more.  Charming...

Anyway, the best you can do is go on living and learn to detach, alanon can teach you that.  Some people resent  picking up the slack for an alcoholic Dad, but I didn't.  I just came to the realization that despite the A living in the home (if you can call being passed out on the couch daily drooling and wetting his pants daily "living") I was a single Mom and I rose to the challenge.  Lots of Moms end up with the single Mom lifestyle while still with their spouses for lots of reasons.  Due to Dad's travel, work, or maybe severe mental illness, dementia, or something else, it can happen due to alcoholism also.  When you marry you  marry in sickness and health and I meant what I said when I said my vows.

Each person make their own decision though, but remember, the promise of alanon is that you can find serenity and recovery whether your A stops drinking or not, or whether you stay with them or not. 

Just sharing my ESH...

MP

Hi Oppida, welcome to MIP.......

An active alcoholic (functioning or not) in my experience is always planning his next drink.....its always top of the pile. They go through the motions of life but give nothing, theyre emotionally stunted by their disease............ alcohol is their 1^st love. I have a family member now 9yrs in recovery who is self employed. He recently told me that in his drinking days if he had to wait for the money to come in he maintained a shakey sobriety in the knowledge that as soon as the money arrived he would drink above all else. It was planned and executed within minutes of the money hitting his account. You have to ask if he could maintain sobriety for that period why not all the time.........well eventually his disease got him to the gutter where he could no longer work, he begged borrowed and stole for drink......it nearly took him to the grave. Its a cunning baffling and powerful disease.

You say you dont know if your husb is alcoholic, but that his drinking is affecting YOU. If you are affected by someones drinking Alanon is def for you.......glad you found us, hope you keep coming back.

(((((Ness)))))