The material presented
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I have recently started to take actions to show myself how much I love me. Got a new haircut, some nice highlights, some new stylish shoes and some new clothes. This week I joined a gym (with a daycare, so I don't need to depend on AH to watch the kids) and have actually gone twice now. In fact, the kids dragged me there becuase they wanted to go to the 'playroom'. I LOVED it... the whole time on the treadmill I started thinking about how I have neglected myself for so long. I told myself it was for the kids.. but they are the ones that dragged me there... And then I started thinking that I wasn't being a really healthy role model. I dug a little deeper and realized that I wasn't spending the time on me and out doing these things, because I wanted to be available for whenever AH decided he wanted to spend some sober time with me... some weeknights on the couch after the kids have gone to bed was about all I could count on.
Sooo... Now I plan my days and AH can fit himself into my schedule... He doesn't like that at ALL. Now the comments are coming full force... "Is this the new DETACHED you..." "Do you have a boyfriend at the gym...?" "Why the new haircut, losing weight, are you seeing someone...?" He is very uncomfortable with this loss of my focus on him. I just reply I am doing it for me and ignore the hooks. He throws out the "you don't love me anymore.." daily. Soooooo exhausting to keep saying "Yes I do, but I love me too..." He even said me going to the gym was the 'beginning of the end"...
Its so sad. Oh well.. I end up happy about me, my kids have a healthier mom/role model and AH is responsible for his own happiness...
Wow! Missy Poo good for you. Kids want us to be heathy and happy and they will emulate the saner parent. Sounds like u are on ur way to being a great role model for them. Great that u are detaching and working on you, kids learn to be codependent enalbers by watching how we behave.
Sure, ur AH doesnt like the changes, they hate change and want to maintain the status quo, so they can continue in their disease. By focsuing on YOU not him, he senses the shift in ur focus. They need enablers to blame and take responsibility for them, now ur changing that and he has to deal with the disease in his own head. He will find his own excuses and justification to continue his behavior.
Him, tryiung to pick on you with "is this the new you now" and "u dont love me anymore" or "u have a b/f at the gym" -- that is the disease talking and trying to engage you. By trying to tell him how wrong he is, you go down to that level and are feeding the drama/disease. Its another hook. Detach, u know it isnt the truth. Act lovingly but dont try to rescue him.
I am so glad the kids dragged you to the gym, now u are all feeling better (you and the kids) by you going. Maybe ur AH will want to follow you on this healtheir path - if not continue to do it for you and to be a good role model for your kids.
I will go work out for myself, now today too! thanks kcb ~ you are worth it! Keep working it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi Missipoo, I too am slowly starting to realise that I matter. My children have been so upset by what they have seen me do to myself over the past 5 years due to loving an A. Today I have decided to end mt relationship and to totally focus on me and my kids. Thanks for your share, it helps me to see I am being agood mum by taking care of me. One of my friends has always stated that as long as I am o'k my kids will be. So if my sickness starts to tell me I am being selfish I will change my thoughts to positive I AM DOING THIS FOR MY KIDS TOO.
