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First, sorry to be so needy. It feels like I've been posting a lot and I'm really pretty new here still...It's wierd how for a year this all seemed to be a slow fade into a bad situation and suddenly it's like we are on the Audubon to hell on earth!
I've been doing stuff for me this week. First time in a very long time and focusing on trying to rediscover the confident me that I was before my ABF and I met. One of those things was ballroom dancing.
When we met, he acted like he supported it. Then he wasn't so excited but said that was fine if I wanted to...but something in his manner wasn't so convincing so I didn't. Then he went to a class with me but didn't like it. A few months ago when I said I was going to start going, he flipped out because it would mean I'd be dancing with other men. He never has really gotten that to me it's a sport not a dating scene...Anyway, tonight I finally went again. And I should have felt great about it! But on the way home, I just bawled. Not because I suck at dancing again - although there are definitely consequences to giving it up for over a year - but because I finally got a text from him - "Can you pick up bananas on your way home"? Not a big deal. Except that I feel like I haven't seen him in weeks and when I do we fight. I've tried to send encouraging texts to him during the day just to reaffirm I love him no matter what, but don't hear a word back. He isn't awake when I get home. He doesn't speak to me when we get up in the morning. He just wants sex in the middle of the night. And for the cats to quit making noise. And for me to pick up milk. Do the dishes. Evidently buy bananas. I texted back that it was late (the dance class is an hour drive away) and maybe tomorrow. And I felt so guilty for not getting his stupid bananas even though I know very well the only reason he can't get them is because he's spent all evening drinking and is stuck in the apartment. In my mind, that's all the more reason for him to just deal with it himself!
But obviously the gut wrenching crying that almost made me drive off the freeway tonight has very little to do with bananas. I feel like we are so far away from each other and I wonder if there is any way back ...I'm tired of knowing that I should leave. I don't want to leave. And I'm scared out of my mind that we both seem to have emotionally left each other anyway. I wonder if we will ever share a decent conversation again. I wonder if he hates me. I wonder if I hate him. I panic that he's cheating.
I get it now that I'm sicker than he is at this point. He goes to work and is able to focus even though he drinks the night before. I go to work and it takes every ounce of energy to focus and sometimes I don't. Some days I'm so sick to my stomach and so caught up in obsessing over what to do and why can't I just leave him but I don't want to leave him blah blah blah...that I'm completely worthless and seem to have only one ability anymore - to cry and cry some more. And then get pissed at him and cuss him out in my head. And so now I find myself bawling over a request for bananas.
Have I gone bananas??
Or maybe this is all part of stopping my own meds for depression? Part of me wonders about if I've done the right thing stopping taking the antidepressants I've taken for years. I'm so sick of him using that as ammunition against me that somehow I'm a dopehead because I take my prescription and shouldn't be upset that he drinks. And the fact is I was depressed anyway. Might as well save the money if I'm gonna be depressed either way...so I haven't taken them for a couple weeks. And to be honest, I'm not sure there is that much of a difference. Things were and would still be bad anyway. But then is this another way of enabling - by just giving up this argument and not taking the meds I've had to take since I was a kid? (And yes, I've seen doctors consistently - not just renewing a prescription 20 years old!)
Sorry - I think I'm rambling and not making much sense.
((((Love Always Hopes))))) Listen to what our 2nd step says and the last word of it. So profound for me after I'd been in early program. "Came to believe that a POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES could lead us to SANITY. For me I got my definition of sanity inside of the rooms of the family groups also. "A continuous and orderly process of thought" oh do I so relate to where you have just been and for me that wasn't sanity but the direct opposite. Where are the face to face meetings in your area? If you haven't already call the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and get the where and whens of where we are and come sit with us and get sane with us. Some of us can and will even dance from time to time. (((((hugs)))))
Obsession is the hardest part of recovery , letting go that is . When obsessing about someone elses life we don't have one . I assume u are not attending meetings f2f for yourself , if u want to continue in this relationship Iwould like to suggest that u find meetings asap. u do it for you. U need support this board is not enough u need real people who will share t hier recovery with you,they have been where your at .. As to your meds , is this enabling ??? its about him controlling you . period .
I sure can relate to what your going thru and the insanity of it all.
One thing that worries me is going off your meds without letting your Dr. know. My brother has taken anti depression meds for years and I cant imagine him going off his meds cold turkey without checking with his Doctor.
I hope that you will go to a f2f Al-anon meeting and will connect with a sponsor, it would mean the difference from what your going thru now to finding serenity for yourself. This disease affects us in ways that are so self destructive. When we use the tools of Al-anon and affect a change, our life will reflect it.
I wish you strength, courage and hope and yes, I hope you choose to dance.
I agree with the other members. Please check with your doctor before going off your meds. Taking RX meds under a doctor's orders is not being a junkie.
Alcoholics have a way of justifying their actions by twisting every situation to suit their needs.
Please stay focused on yourself and doing the next right thing. It is hard, you will feel alone, but your Higher Power is with you , as are all the members in alanon meetings and on this Board.
Do not project, Live One Day at a Time, Pray, Focus on Yourself, come here and share.
Hi and thank you for your post....:) you asked..."is this normal?" I could relate to alot of what you posted...what helped me to sort out those kind of questions was replacing the word normal with healthy. No its not healthy :) i think its typical and many of us felt the way you are at some point in time. I found I was so emeshed in the a's that I totally lost myself and what was worse is that over time I was getting used to it. This is what an unhealthy relationship looks like. I dont mean that to sound hard or cold but its reality. This is what happens when we choose to be in relationships with people with addictions. Emotional unavailability is typical. I agree with all the suggestions you were given to get to some meetings asap:) I have heard so many members say alanon was a life saver for them..I came to find out it was a mind saver for me. I had lost myself and my mind :) the insanity of it all once I realized how insane it was....thank god for recovery and willingness...please keep coming back...blessings :)
ok, first off (((( LAH )))) no need to aplogize about posting here, its what the board is for and we've all done it. In referecen to ur meds, coming off of those kinds of medications cold turkey is not recommended, ur supposed to wean off w a dr's guidance. Maybe that Rx isnt effective for you anymore, maybe there is something that would work better. Talk to ur doctor(s) about that and take care of your health.
Of course he wants to label u a "pill popper" bc that justifies what he is doing. You dont ahve to belive him, u know ~ u know the truth and u know ur not emotionally unavailbale like he is, so it isnt true. He is trying to lash out and the words are designed to hurt us - it is the disease talking. You have to learn to seperate the man from the disease, so u can detach from the disease.
See our disease is neglecting ourselves and focusing on others, we pick up people while A's pick up substances. The A is codependent too (like us) they need someone else there to shift blame and own the responsibility for them. Dont buy it, u dont pour the alcohol down his face, that is his choice to act in that way.
By focusing on YOU, u get ur life back from the disease, u re-discover who you are. I think it is fantastic u went out dancing for excersize & socialization. Keep going, maybe one day ur A will want to go somewhere too. Try to detach from what he is doing or not doing/saying. I agree with abby, learning to shift focus and stop obsessing is the hardest part and it can be done. I have terrible ADD and obsess 24/7 and I was able to get my attention on me and not others. Sure I was hyper focusing on me, but it has paid me back in program, all the love and forgiveness work I've done.
We who live with active addiction, become brainwashed by all that the A says. They are throwing their negative self image out onto us, hoping it will stick (bc they carefully picked us in the first place to enable them - like u sd, u were depressed before u met him). Ive suffered w depression too -- it is anger turned inward. The ego and the depression lies to us, telling us we arent worthy and we cant do anything. Ignore that and do what you want in spite of it. I had to ignore these "guilty" feelings I had when I focused on me -- bc I knew logically, focusing on me is healthy. Eventually the guilt went away.
Of course u cried when u left the dancing class/gathering, u wanted a certain life and ur grieving what u dont have. I had to grieve all of my "fantasies" for the life I'd designed and not gotten too. The truth is, since Ive focused on right now/this moment and stopped projecting into the future and lamenting about the past (reliving old wounds and making them a reality - again) - in this moment u can make a positive change for you, right now u can do something. The magic question for me was, 'what can I do right now/today to allow me to feel better?' then wtvr it was, I did it -- sit at the park, work out, take a long bath, meditate, hug a tree, watch nature, go to a park, read a book, cook something healthy, bake something sinful -- whatever u need to do, listen to YOU and begin to validate yourself.
You are worth loving, u are a child of god. Honor and love the life you have been given, and the truth is ~ this is YOUr life.
Also, it took setting boundaries for me to have a plan of action to take and not have to think like a deer in the headlights. When the situatuion arose for my boundary, i simply acted on it - which gave me self respect and the first taste of emtoinal detachment bc I was no longer compromising myself. I will PM the boundary guidelines to you, if ur interested. TC
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Kitty, that was a STELLAR reply. So soothing,healing and fillled with wisdom You rock!
LoveAlways: I relate very much to your post. I don't live with my RA, but I get so little emotion about of him and he's famous for blame shifting. He's convinced himself every fight is my fault. He says things then denies them. It makes me mad!
I've never felt so insane with someone in my life. He has so many wonderful traits and has worded REALLY hard on his recovery, but his whole life has been laced with these actions so it will take him YEARS to realize his deeper issues. Detaching has always been one of my drawbacks. The concept escapes me at times. I take much stock in his life and what he's doing even though I live alone and have a very VERY busy life of my own.
Like the other suggested, get to a meeting. I've been going to meetings for a while now and they give me peace. Its work, but well worth the effort.
I'll chime in to reiterate what others have already said -- alcoholics often point the finger at those who take prescription meds and judge them as "no different" because they're also putting a chemical into their body. The XABF and I were discussing occupational health and safety once, and he informed me that drinkers on the job were far less dangerous than the employees with side effects from their doctor-prescribed meds!
I was where you are not that long ago, LAH. Dithering over how I could kick my own ass out of the relationship. Beating myself up for not making healthy choices in my own best interest. Going back and forth between "I love this man" and "I can't live with this", but unable to resolve things either way.
In the end, the decision was easy. I guess you could call it a "bottom". A month after my AMom died of cirrhosis, he went on a vacation and started drinking within hours of stepping off the plane. Five days before Christmas -- simulatneously destroying any faint hope I'd had of capturing some joy out of the holiday, and the hope that things would ever be any different for us.
What al-anon has taught me is that it is possible for me to achieve serenity either way, stay or go.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
((LAH)) I can relate to so much of your post. All I can say is it will get better if you work your own program and begin taking care of you. Trust me, I know that's not an easy task. I had no idea how to take care of me when I first got to this board. Little by little and with ALOT of ESH from the members of this board I crawled out of the chaos of my life with my Abf-sober and focused on myself. My bf was a dry drunk, he no longer drinks but was not going to any meetings or working his program so he had all the behaviors of an active A working full force.
He was a master manipulator and had the uncanny ability of getting caught doing something but in the end I was the one apologizing and feeling insane. I cried every single day. I too wondered where the guy I met went (we started as friends and he was in a program back then) even more I wondered where I went. I thought over and over "why am I here? Im intelligent. I would tell anyone who came to me with this story to run for the hills. Why aren't I running?" I was full of hate and despair when I started posting on this board regularly a few months back.
I read the posts, the encouraging words rejected at first (i'm so stubborn) but little by little I started to get it. I felt stronger, I read literature, and one day out of nowhere I got Step One. I realized most of my problem was I was trying to control my bf, his actions, his emotions...no wonder I was losing my mind. When I finally admitted that I was powerless and let that need to control go, I found true serenity. I began to view my bf's actions as symptoms of his disease--would I hold cancer against him? No. If he had cancer and refused treatment would I stop my own life? No. so why was I doing just that with this disease?
I started to be gentle with myself. got back to my old interests without obsessing over "will he be mad I'm online? Will he question why I'm reading" I started to untangle myself from the chaos. I didn't feed into arguments. I didn't wonder why he didn't text or call, I didn't treat it as a reward when he did. I still interacted with him but I was taking my life back. And something amazing happened....
I felt good. I felt happy and alive. I smiled more. I laughed--truly laughed--for the first time in months. My bf noticed the changes and when he asked me what was going on with me he asked in a way that I knew he was truly interested, not accusing or manipulating. So I told him, we communicated, cried, laughed, remembered, apologized and put the past to rest. Learned from the mistakes and began to inspire each other. My bf is back in his program and making meetings, reconnecting with friends, succeeding in his business. I am slowly becoming who I am meant to be, reading, writing my lyrics again, happy with life, raising my little girl, working my program and feeling whole again. We have our bumps in the road for sure, it's not perfection but it's so much progress.
You can do this. You have already started by going back to dance class. Be gentle with yourself. You are making a major change, caring about yourself again. We obsess and get so caught up with our A's and their drama that we don't realize how long we truly neglect ourselves. FInd a f2f meeting if you can, they too are helpful and you can find alot of literature to guide you. As you focus on you and get healthy you will get the hang of the tools of Al-Anon and become stronger, able to make a decision about where YOU want to be in life. Post here often, it helps so much!! I would not be where I am without the wonderful people on this board. I couldn't do it alone, they carried me til I could walk and they have yet to let go of my hand--they are my angels! (((hugs))) to you.
ps--please call your doc and get back on your meds. that is taking care of YOU!!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Love you made perfect sense and it was a great share!Post all you want, that is why we are here!
Ok most A's use that same line about our meds. So go get them. I would not share that I was on them again. That is your business. Plus I hope you got your docs advice, you are not suppose to just stop taking them! You have to be weaned off!
That can be part of what is making you feel so bad.
A's do not see a distinction between medicine and getting high or down. Part of the disease.
You are not bananas you nut! (o: In fact you sound good thinking about all this.
I learned to think of ME. No way was I going to make dinner anymore when he was giving me zero. no way.
Stopped washing his cloths too. Also no way was I going to sleep with someone who igores me, is rude to me, never spends time with me, I am not a Who**.
Have you been able to go to Al Anon meetings? Getting Them Sober Book? I can tell you are in the perfect place! I have great hope for you. If you get into this I promise you will have a miracle coming.
All your questions will be answered and also you will learn what makes it so important to love YOU and take care of you. Pretend you are a sitcom, what would your life look like? what would you change?
Normal? I don't know what normal is, but I think that what you're experiencing is common among those close to alcoholics. The good news is, it doesn't have to be that way.
Alcoholics don't spend time giving affirmation to others or being there for others because they can't. It's not personal, it's just that the disease takes their entire focus. While we spend our lives wondering about the alcoholic and what he is doing because we are addicted to him, he is spending his life thinking about the next drink - because he is addicted to alcohol.
It's good you're putting the focus back on yourself, where it belongs. You can't make him change, but you can certainly change yourself and how you relate to him. If you don't want to have sex with a drunk guy in the middle of the night, don't! (As an aside, I've TOTALLY been there. I decided that I did not want a drunk guy with beer breath breathing on me or anywhere near me. It's my body and I decide what I do with it and under what circumstances).
If he wants bananas and I'm going to the store anyway and don't mind picking them up, fine. If he wants me to make a separate trip out of my way because he's drunk, forget it. I'm not his personal assistant or his mother. He's a grown up and can get his own food.
My reply may sound harsh and I really don't intend for it to. It's hard, being conditioned to respond to someone else, to start ACTING instead of just REACTING. It sounds like you're off to a blazing start, though - good for you! Good for you for going to dancing lessons! You don't need anyone's approval to take care of yourself or do things you find enjoyable.
Also, crying and self awareness about where the tears are coming from is healthy. It's much better to realize how you feel and own the feelings than it is to pretend they don't exist or to change what you do so you don't have to feel the way you feel at that moment.
I'm so sorry hearing what you're feeling and going through, and I can relate heavily to the guilty feelings and the sadness of living with an alcoholic.
I just wanted to say something about the anti-depressants. Please talk with your doctor about going off of them. It's actually pretty dangerous to just stop taking a prescribed medication like that. Some such meds require you be weaned off of them if you want to stop taking them. Because they're likely a narcotic, you actually could be feeling much worse because you stopped the meds. This doesn't make you an addict in any way, so please don't associate taking prescribed narcotics as addictive behavior - and don't let the alcoholic play that game with you - they're experts at the blame-shift-game, and it's a typical tactic to take the heat off themself.
I speak of this from experience of watching my mother be taken off of anti-depressents. It was a long, difficult process, but it was much safer for her than halting them outright.
Talk with your doctor first and make sure it's okay to completely stop the medication. It may be fine - but if it's not, it could actually be part of the reason you're feeling much worse right now.
I hate prescription narcotics and how they affect me. They make me pretty emotional and moody.
Good for you for going to ballroom dance lessons! Even though it was hard, you did something really healthy for yourself.
I am a true newbie to Al-Anon so I'm still learning the ropes here and don't really feel like I have much perspective ...but I wanted to say I completely understand how you feel and that you aren't "needy" -- we all have needs and that's why we are here!
It sounds like we are in similar places emotionally right now. My A does not live with me and I speak with her infrequently (I'm open to communication - but her alcoholism makes it nearly impossible), yet here I am allowing her to control my happiness and have been for nearly 10 years. I constantly worry, cry, and have a difficult time just living my life because of my obsession with her disease. I struggle to focus at work, I have a hard time enjoying myself in social activities and when relaxing because I know what she is heavily using. I am actually dreading my upcoming wedding right now because I don't know if she will be sober enough to attend and even if she does it would be a very anxiety-inducing experience. Even though she lives 90 mins. away, is an adult making her own choices, I am still just...stuck. Worrying. Fearing. Obsessing.
I discovered this message board and Al-Anon because I just didn't know where else to turn - and I know I don't want to live like this anymore. Nothing I tried with my A has ever worked and I've been feeling guilty for wanting a better life for myself even though I know I deserve it. I have been neglecting myself and my needs for someone I can't help, change, or control...for way too long.
I have lots of up and down days, and crying in the car too :) but coming here to share and listen really helps. I guess I'm rambling now but I just wanted to say I can identify and you are not alone!!
Regarding the anti-depressants, I echo what everyone else says...it's important that you are going off of them under a doctor's supervision and talking about options if that particular pill isn't working for you anymore. Especially since you say you have been on it since childhood. I have had a hard time taking my anxiety medication because I get afraid of becoming dependent -- I don't have any substance abuse issues myself but because of my experiences with an alcoholic mother I am leery of taking anything like that even though I need it and it helps me. My doctor assured me that it's his responsibility to monitor my usage and that it is safe to take it as prescribed. It doesn't make me a "pill popper" and just like taking your one pill per day doesn't make you a "pill popper" either!
First of all like your name says: Love Always Hopes. Don't give up on that. Having said that in order to love another person, we really have to practice self love. That's really hard. What you're feeling is perfectly normal.
I absolutely know it to be true that this board is a life saver. Having said that, I found it wasn't enough. Jerry and Abbyal are right there is nothing better than being with a group of people who have been right where you are, or are right where you are. It was scary at first. I admit, I wasn't thrilled with the first group I went too. But I kept trying different ones and I found the perfect fit. It's comforting to know that there are people right in your area that you can reach out to, call them when you need them. I learned that living with this disease isn't life ending. You can have your life. You can love your alcoholic. You can choose to stay or go. You can live strong. You can recover even if he doesn't. But you have to do the leg work. Just like your dancing, if you don't work at it, it will never get better.
I can always tell when I need to go back to a meeting because something slaps me upside the head (usually it's Christy )! I do something stupid at work when I know better. I feel completely off kilter. I get involved in drama that I know I don't want to become involved in. Slips happen in recovery. I've slipped so often it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there. The beauty of our recovery is that we can restart it any time we want to. Recovery has to be about you and for you. So please try and find meetings in your area. Had I known that somebody like Jerry would be willing to dance w/this clutz, I would have gotten to one years ago. You can do this. It will get better. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
)! I do something stupid at work when I know better. I feel completely off kilter. I get involved in drama that I know I don't want to become involved in. Slips happen in recovery. I've slipped so often it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there. The beauty of our recovery is that we can restart it any time we want to. Recovery has to be about you and for you. So please try and find meetings in your area. Had I known that somebody like Jerry would be willing to dance w/this clutz, I would have gotten to one years ago. 
You can do this. It will get better. Love and blessings to you.