The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank goodness I found this board. My ALO is recently returned home from his second round of treatment from an addiction with hydrocodone.
Things are different this time. He's different, which I know is a good thing but at this time he seems very confused and unsure of his feelings and his life. He's somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster. The issue that concerns me most is his doubt for his love for me and our marriage. We been married for 16 years and have two beautiful children. It's just unimaginable how that could possibly be. I've read that this is a common issue but I need the experience , strength and hope of some of you.
Hate so much that you and your family have been affected by the disease - but grateful you are reaching out for help.
Are you attending any al-anon meetings? If not can you?
For me, al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature (especially How Al-Anon works for Family and Friends of Alcoholics), posting n reading here on MIP, talking with other recovery friends and developing my relationship with the God of my understanding helped me in learning how to deal with the affects of the Family disease of alcoholism/addicition.
I pray that you are able to find that type of help too!
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity) Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Read back on previous threads too and see what people's experiences are of early abstinence -- I've found them very helpful.
Basically I've found that you can't take anything they say in early sobriety as definitive. They've spent most of their lives living insulated from their feelings. Now they have to learn to live life in the raw. If they have negative feelings (everyone has some), they take them very seriously. They don't know how to figure out what's responsible for what. Like if something's wrong in your marriage (and after years of addiction, how could it not be?), they may see it for the first time. And they think: is it my fault, her fault, somebody else's fault, the drug's fault, the fault of circumstances, the stress of X, Y or Z -- ? They have no idea how to figure this out; they have no experience. And even we, who haven't been drugged or drunk all these years, find it a challenge to know these things. So how could they work it out so quickly?
Figuring out how to understand life is a process that goes little by little. It's hard to be patient when we've spent sooooo long waiting for them just to get sober. So the best thing is that while they're putting their lives together slowly, we turn our attention to ourselves and put our lives together. We've become affected by the insanity, no matter how much we didn't want to. So we've got some work to do too. Part of the rewards of that work is learning how to live with serenity even if they're not very far along in their process.
So I hope you can get to some meetings, read and learn everything you can about alcoholism/addiction (not only how it affects them, but how it affects us), and start down the path of making your life better than you ever thought it could be. Hugs to you.
I would also like to welcome you to MIP and acknowledge that what you are experiencing is not that unusual and you are not alone.
As has been suggested, Alcoholism is a Family disease and everyone living with this disease has been adversely affected. I am glad your ALO has sought recovery so now it is time for you to get some help for yourself.
As was suggested, please try to attend alanon face to face meetings,in your community. It is very important to break the isolation caused by addiction in the family. We have online meetings here 2xs day, visit 24/7 hour chat and post regularly.
That is exactly what is going on in my marriage now that my A is sober.
He decided arbitrarily that everything is my fault, maybe force of habit. I am so glad I found alanon so I don't get caught up in his head games.
My A husband thinks that drinking was his ONLY flaw in the entire universe, so, now that he is no longer drinking he feels he is pretty much perfect...so he demands that I become "perfect" also. That means miraculously heal and not need my casts anymore, have his favorite dinner at perfect eating temperature when he gets home from work (he gets REALLY mad if his dinner is too hot to shovel in immediately, A's are notoriously unreasonable), an have the house perfect at all times.
I know about his silly ideas sincee espouses them at all times, but I don't give them any weight and don't even try to measure up, that would be buying into the craziness. I just go about normal life of doing my best in all things I do, knowing I will never be perfect...and knowing thats OK .
It isn't easy to be the bad guy after 16 years of marriage, but the silver lining is I am used to it by now...and good at ignoring it .
Thanks you guys for your responses. I really like this site. I've finally found an Al-anon meeting that's not an hour or more away and went last night. I attended ALOT the first time and knew I needed it but sometimes its more of a challange to make yourself go especially with two young children at home. Today has been much better although I've sloganed myself to death. My overall focus was much improved.
I look forward to this site and sharing experience, strength and hope !!!!
Yes, it is common for an A in early recovery to not know what he really feels about much of anything anymore -- the emotions are coming up now are confusing. I heard they spend the first year, just coming to terms with emotions again.
Try to detach from what he is or is not doing and devlop your own program, as u need support. Focus on YOU and what u can do for you and make those changes and begin to get your life and power back from the disease. We lose ourselves when we focus on their disease and their issues. Which in turn feeds our disease - of us neglecting ourselves & being focused on the drama.
FYI, we have a chat room here with 24/7 chat and two daily meetings. I've attended them here for five years now and they are fantastic. What u put into YOU & in the program, u get back ~ you're worth it! Welcome.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Aloha Beth and welcome...it ain't fun and it is normal and you didn't cause it, can control it nor can you cure it. That you came here to start understanding and helping yourself is the key cause all you can fix and save is you. When the drink and drugs are gone my life was faced without the denial. I thought there were monsters behind every door and outside of every window. My sleep time was most always filled with nightmares and so I thought my awake time was the same.
I was wrong and had to learn that just as he will and you cannot do it for him he needs to hear it from other recovering members of NA and or AA and be open to what he hears; otherwise what is bad will get worse for him but not for you if you don't decide.
Keep coming back. Consider all of the suggestions that will be given you and follow up on as many as you can. The people here that support my recovery know how to recover themselves; what better place to live. ((((hugs))))
I think its pretty common for many alcoholics in recovery to go into a huge period of doubt. Many many people look to stressors to explain their alcoholism. My own experience of alcoholism is that the disease is there stress or no stress. I imagine his questioning his marriage feels like an affront to your self esteem. Detaching from an alcoholic is terribly hard business.
I know its practice practice practice. A bird learns to fly by practice. We have to practice detachment in the same way, in the beginning we may crash but eventually there is a process that means we get there.
When you consider alone the chemical shifts and changes occurring in early sobriety you must understand that its just a miasma of churning confusion from that alone! I just had some surgery and was told it would take 6 months for the effects of anasthesia to get out of my physical body- holy cow and that was just for an hour or so of usage! Imagine YEARS of drinking or taking drugs...that alone will tell you that its gonna take a long long time for them to get their head on straight. A long long time. Confusion and not making any sense will be normal for awhile so you might want to get used to it...thats my ESH, good luck and keep that focus on YOU. hugs, J.
The others have said it so much better than I could. So I'll just say that from my experience (AH in early recovery) this is not unusual. Suddenly he is living a whole different way of life and that takes lots of adjustment, including his way of thinking about things. Go to meetings, read the literature, and take care of you. There is so much knowledge and support and above all, love from the members here-keep coming back! It really does help.
Thanks again guys. I think I'm on my way to detachment, hope and serenity. My AH has just been sober not yet 5 months. So that in itself explains ALOT. I'm slowly entering a more peaceful state of mind and look forward to sharing with you all daily.
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