The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Boy am I glad I have a place to go today. Thanks to anyone out there, everyone. I hope your day is going well. I've been in a new relationship, for 3 months. It has been going mostly well, although a little fast. I'm 44 years old and have had my problems. Yesterday was a total meltdown for me in regards to feeling obsessed, abandoned and totally out of control I don't want to push this person out of my life. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get hold of yourself while you are in the throws of obsessive behavior and thinking? Thanks
I tend to let thoughts go round and round and round in my head, hold conversations with people who aren't there, the whole obsessive thing. Something my therapist recommended to me, that I find works if I work at it - be in the moment. If you are chopping vegetables for supper while running through your resentments in your head, pay attention to those vegetables. Smell the carrots. feel them in your hand, see the colours. Feel the sun coming through the window at you. Hear the music you have playing in the background. Ground yourself in what you are doing right now. Every time your thoughts try to veer away into that old repetitive loop, grab them back, and concentrate on the moment. It gets easier the more you do it. Hope this can help
What I have found helps me is that whenever I get to anxious or inpatient about something-- I pray and ask God to take those feelings. And then when I'm done, I pray some more. haha I've lived my entire life very similar to what you've explained and it sucks to put it blunt. I come to believe that my anxious and obsessive thoughts are developed because so much in my life has failed and so if something happens quickly or I think about it enough, then it is real or true or whatever you want to call it. When actually this is absurd thinking on my part.... it is my old way of thinking-- what I was taught because I always was hurt, deceived and abused emotionally, mentally and at times physically and sexually as a young child through this current day still experiencing some level of abuse. Anyway, I've come to terms with these abusive people in my life and although I get VERY angry and upset at time because I really wish they would all just leave me alone..... (What's the chances of that happening?) Hmmm, perhaps like winning the lottery. :P
Anyway, I am kinda in the same situation with someone I like very much. We are friends and I could see my feelings developing more than that.... BUT, friendship is VERY important to me and something I continue to think about is some friends I have that are very special to me and have been for years and will continue to be for years. This makes it easier to look at this person as a friend right now because I want that kind of special relationship with him always. :) Then who knows what would come out of it someday, maybe nothing, maybe more-- but I can feel good knowing that I have this added special relationship in my life amongst the others that I have really cared for and they for me.
Hope this gave you some insight.. I'll add one last thing, patience is the key and when you get anxious or inpatient, always remember that God will allow what He wants to happen in our life as He determines and ONLY when He determines. If we try to push to hard (like I have so many times) things often spiral out of control in other directions.
Glad you brought it up. I can't stop the tape in my head. I like the advice you have been given. I figure that if you are thinking it it must be real and needs to be dealt with. I allow myself to be human and have the feelings and thoughts. I too have abandonment issues and obsess. I am getting pretty sick of myself doing this.
Pia Mellody suggests: breath, go into meditation and prayer and say a mantra, then pay attention to sensory things like sounds, and give yourself a meaningful task to do for five minutes. I have been trying to remember the 12 steps when I run. She says that if this doesn't work then make an appointment to obsess and see if you can do it.
"Obsessed, abandoned, and totally out of control". I'd wager a good sum of money that there's not a person here that's never felt that way. When I first came to Al-anon, a very wise person gave me a wonderful slogan that helps me when I'm obsessing. "Keep your mind where your butt is". Kind of a simple way to put what Lin has already said. Distractions work wonders for me. I've used that slogan to remind myself to put my focus on the task or situation at hand. If I'm focused on what I'm doing at the moment, my mind can't start those danged "what-if" or "shoulda coulda woulda" tapes running in my mind. This obsessive way of thinking has been a part of me for as long as I can remember, but that slogan has made it less and less of the norm for me. I don't have to work so hard now to keep my focus on the here and now rather than on the drama that plays out in my mind if I let it.
I have never felt this way not sure just kidding.It was a way of life and sometimes i can flip in seconds.One thing i do is i post ha. no really it helps and i journal when it especially hard to communicate i wirte it all down...than i read ity back and commit my self no but it helps me disfuse it
another is i pick the phone up call someone in the program.as you get to know your self you know and can see it comeing on more quickly like me i know if i hear a report the news is comeing on and someone is arrested for abuse i turn it off i know for me it can send me spinning so you learn those things and work though it how is best for you.
remember feelings are not always facts.my daughter the other day was late from work and i had her kidnapped and you get the picture cause that happen to me so i took a deep breathe and said it is not me it is her and got on the phone kept me busy till she walked in and said trafffic was bad lights were out.
dont beat your self up when you do spin just start over..
That's a good point, dori, about avoiding your triggers. There's no law that says you have to watch the news, or talk to the neighbour who always upsets you, or take that phone call from your mother, or read books or watch movies about infidelity, or abuse, or drunkeness, or whatever gets you going. When I was freshly going through the pain of my husband's infidelity, I found myself getting extra depressed - then realized that the novel I was reading had several parallels with our lives. Once I realized what I was doing, I threw that book out, and started reading something more cheerful.
