The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son was sober when I got home from work. I went next door to talk to him. It was nice to see him sober. I told him that too (does that apply pressure to the A?)
I went out last night and when I got back home he came outside to help me carry things in the house. It was obvious he was drinking. I couldn't talk to him the same and he could sense the disappointment in my voice. He left looking sad and I felt bad. I prayed last night and this morning for the strength to be able to say I love you and I care about you whether he is drinking or not.
I just forget at times that he has a disease and he is POWERLESS over alcohol as much as I am powerless over him.
Gailey wrote: My son was sober when I got home from work. I went next door to talk to him. It was nice to see him sober. I told him that too (does that apply pressure to the A?)
I've been having some confusion along the same lines myself. I'm really not sure where the line lies between expressing my own boundaries/limitations and commenting directly on the Aism.
Sometimes when XABF and I were tossing around remarks about "our future together", I would gently state that our future depended entirely on his sobriety. It just felt incredibly hypocritical to be discussing a relationship that could end with the next relapse, like I was making false promises to him.
He would respond by snapping at me that I was putting pressure on his sobriety, in effect making me feel that I was jeopardizing it by pointing this out to him.
I never knew if I was in the wrong for articulating my boundary, or if this was just his way of setting me up for blame down the road.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
That one is really something to think about. My AH just returned from rehab and I stated that the next time he drinks it's over. I didn't say it to put pressure on him; I told him that it is HIS choice to drink or not to drink, but it is MY choice whether I want to live with it any longer. I thought it was part of putting the responsibility on them and letting them know that with every choice we make, there are consequences.
What I have learned in recovery is something I had never heard of before -
HEALTHY COMPASSION
There is a HUGE different between the compassion I gave the A's in my life and the healthy compassion I have now.
Healthy compassion allows me to see that person as a Child of their HP, a person who deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and kindness. It also allows me the SAME treatment. If the A is unable to give me that same treatment then I have the obligation to provide that for myself~ either by detachment, settling boundaries or limiting contact with that person.
When spending time with a sober/clean A~I learned to say - I truly enjoy spending time with you when you in a healthy frame of mind. We both knew I meant without drugs/alcohol but it gave more dignity and self-respect everyone.
When that same A was actively using/drinking~I learned to say - It appears that you are having a rough time right now, so I'm going to visit/talk with you later -
The last is not always met with the best response from the A but that is on their side of the street not mine. I know that I have done the best that I can to treat myself and them with kindness, dignity and respect.
Gail - sounds like you are doing the same!!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Dear Gail You are a loving mom and your son knows that. I know that early on "FEAR" really kept me from expressing love when the A was drinking because I thought that if I said, I love you it, it would indicate approval of the behavior.
I tried to practice Unconditional Love in my actions. At all times I would treat everyone with courtesy, respect and a non judgemental attitude. It really helped and I felt better for it.
Here is what worked for me: treat them the same at all times but I don't stick around when I get a whiff of the alcohol or can see the eyes looking weird, etc. I say: see you later, take care and leave the situation, with courtesy, just as I would with anyone. hugs, J.
It's easy to be compassionate during the good moments; not so much during the bad.
What works (sometimes!) for me is to remind myself THIS IS A TEST OF ME. If I can be compassionate during the worst of moments, then I can be compassionate all the time to everyone.
To me, it's like training. Anybody can go beat a tennis ball around. But if you train for a top game, and play tough competition, lesser games will be easy.
Every time my Tim took a drink it broke my heart. Yes I would get frustrated and angry and all those other emotions that comes along with this horrible disease. But mostly it made me sad. I tried really hard not to show it to him. He knew he was disappointing me. I could see it in his eyes. I had to remind him that I loved him no matter what. This disease had such a grip on him and it didn't let go. I had to remind myself to enjoy the sober times. That year he was sober was the happiest time for us. When he told me he relapsed (I already knew) I could see the hurt in his eyes. This is a terrible disease they have. I've always said that if I was an addict I don't know if I would be able to fight it. Cunning, baffling and powerful it is. Give your son a hug for me & tell him some one out there is praying for his sobriety. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I told him that too (does that apply pressure to the A?)
