The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My pal, I'll call him H, had a lot of stamina despite being some 35 years older than I. From the moment we met, we hit it off. We chummed around together, sailed together, skiid together. We'd have a few beers and soak in the sunset with the wind on our faces, truly enjoying the joys of nature.
I knew H for some fifteen years. After H passed away, I was helping his widow sort through his stuff. I spotted ODAT and CTC...she said "oh, those are mine. They helped me through a rough time."
And that's when it all came to me. H had been an angry, mean alcoholic. Now all those little events, those comments jelled. Son A died early of alcholism. Son B was estranged, an alcoholic himself...products of an alcoholic environment.
I never saw any bad in H. He was a great, true friend. He was never bombed, never angry. I saw only the best side of him. Undoubtedly, others saw him as the controlling, angry alcoholic. But I never knew; I only saw the good man, the caring friend...the good that is inside of all alcoholics.
All relationships are diff , sons and parents , husbands and wives , you don't know til u live with them they seem to save the best of themselves for drinking buddies and friends . that is truly sad .
In my family of orgin that was typical character...Alcoholics had their favorites and their targets. It was stunning to see the Jekyl and Hyde personalities and amazing to here what you have experienced yourself. You experienced the other side of the mirror. Seems to have been a blessing for you. Have you got copies of the ODAAT and CTC? They are awesome tools for those who are members of the Family Groups put together by other members who came before them. My ODAAT has celebrated 31 years of use. Keep coming back.
I too have seen the same thing. My ex was so very charming and friendly to anyone who did not pose a threat or offer any opposition to her disease.
The disease knows what is up, and protects itself accordingly.
Does this lessen the reality of the good person those who are not a threat get to experience? Absolutely not, in my opinion. It just demonstrates to me to some extent how my own attitudes and actions keeps the disease on the defensive and prevents me from experiencing the alcoholic who suffers. Now that doesn't mean its my own fault. It just means that I contribute. Sometimes the disease just goes on the offensive without any provocation.
Alcoholism is cunning.
Wow, Jerry. My ODAT is only 6 years old now. I was thinking about getting a new one because it is getting pretty "gamey" and showing wear. Perhaps a bit of duct tape!
If you read my latest post about the A's curse turning into a blessing you will see just how crazy mean he can be. Yet, many friends (definately NOT the neighbors, LOL) often tell me how fortunate I am to be married to such a handsome and brilliant man (he is a college professor, go figure!). They go on and on about his gifted intellect, his "soft" voice that he only prances out in public that I never hear at home, and how good it is that he keeps himself in such terrific shape (he is a body builder).
I usually just ignore those comments, while trying SOOO hard not to roll my eyes.
Even when I dared tell a few close friends the truth it didn't work. They just "educated" me about the "Einstein Syndrome", where people who supposedly real geniuses often can't handle the basics of everyday normal life, and informed me that I should be patient and just be GLAD that I get to be married to such a genius.
Even strangers "enable" him! I have given in to the fact that like most A's, he is a master manipulator, and can charm the pants off of who he wants to. And, he is a genius alright, a genius at spin control!
I just accept this fact and move on. I am not resentful, it must stink to know in your heart that if your friends knew the REAL you, they wouldn't be your friends...
I may have had to work hard to earn my true friends loyalty in a healthy two way relationship, but I know it is real, and I would rather have that than the false charm he possesses.
The point I wanted to make is that alcoholics are not "all evil." They have a good side, which we often can no longer see due to our negative experiences. We need to remember that when dealing with them. If we concentrate on the worst, we only see the worst; if we concentrate on the good, we might bring out the good.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. You are correct in saying that not all addicts are evil. I look at my beloved Tim. He was the sweetest, kindest loving person you would ever meet. I was blessed to have known him way before this disease reared its ugly head. Thanks for the reminder. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Jeeez, I hope not all alcoholics are evil.... If they are I'm in trouble! (I am one)
All joking aside, yes I have known and lost an alcoholic I loved so very much. I never knew him during sobriety, if there ever was any, and he was still just such a wonderful person. Everyone loved him. I was his partner for a while and his primary caretaker during the illness that lead to his death. I saw him like no other ever did and he was still a wonderful, loving person even at his weakest moments - and still drinking until the end.
They are not all evil.
I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and the family of your friend.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
