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Hello I found out my 32-yr old daughter is an alcoholic about a year ago. Completely dumbfounded, she hid it so well. My husband lost his job two years ago, and has since increased his drinking to around the clock. I can't get past the frustration and the anger. I know my life is unmanageable. I had to cancel a trip to Hawaii because I didn't want to spend a week with him drunk. He will not get help. I honestly think he would rather die than be without alcohol. I have been going to meetings for a couple of months, and while they are very helpful, and feel-good, I still don't know what to do. I can't just sit back and let my higher power take care of this. I have been re-thinking the past, and I'm starting to realize that he's always had this problem, it was just controlled because of work, and I didn't see it. I have a problem with the 'disease' concept in some respects. I know it completely took over my daughter's life, and in that sense, I understand it. But I don't understand how my husband can do what he does. I know he goes out to the garage every morning and drinks. I've stopped obsessing about it, but how can I accept this for the rest of my life? How am I supposed to 'lovingly detach' when this goes on every day? How am I supposed to achieve 'serenity' and a happy life, when this person is addicted, and it affects every aspect of our lives? We are supposed to take a road trip soon, and even though I try to detach, I'm worried about driving with him for obvious reasons. I am stumped, and don't understand how you are supposed to achieve serenity whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. It doesn't make sense. I feel betrayed and lied to. He is not being honest with himself. He is depressed, and is not good at being 'retired'. He has no hobbies except reading, and has no plan for the future. I try to focus on myself, but he is around the house every day, even though I try to get out, he's still here when I get back. I go to the meetings because I know I should, and will keep going for the foreseeable future. But I'm stuck.
How do u sit back and do nothing ? ask yourself if anything u have tried so far actually works for more than a day . any thing we do to try and change the alcoholic is doomed to fail because we are trying to solve a problem that isn' t ours to fix , its their problem leave it with them where it belongs . It is possible to find happiness wether the alcoholic is still drinking or not - get your life back take that trip to Hawii with a friend leave husb at home , as to the road trip same t hing tell him your nervous driving with him u drive or not go .. We have choices , we can sit and be miserable and watch them drink or we can get a life of our own . As for the disease thng that took me a while too always sounded like an excuse to me , but eventually understood who in their right mind wants to live like the alcoholic does ? hidding alcohol pushing away a loving wife - spending his retirement in a garage drinking .. at the moment alcohol is running his life and until he says enough , there is never enough . I did not want to leave my marriage and al anon made it possible for me to stay and live my life the way I chose and allow him the dignity to live his life the way he chose . Doing things alone or with friends sure beats sitting in a house with a drunk .. If your not ready to leave Bloom Where Your Planted .. get happy regardless of the choices he makes. Renew old friendships make new ones , find a hobby keep busy we only get to go round once life dosent offer us a second chance . If you have our daily reader the OdAT go to page on july 14th do what it says to the best of your ability and your life will get better. We have choices and I chose to be happy ..
Thank you for your response. I just need to keep at it, because I think I don't know what 'detaching with love' means. I detached a long time ago, but it wasn't with love.
joanlee, detaching with love is really a difficult thing to learn especially in the midst of all that is going on. I just think you are doing the very best thing- keep going to meetings and keep going and keep going, its like magic how it will slowly just shift enough so that things will begin to subtly change- "you" have almost nothing to do with it- it will just begin to happen, indeed it already has and will continue to if you keep attending those meetings. Getting a sponsor helps also but just keep going to those meetings, a higher power is working there, it will have its affect whether you know it or not (and someday you will know it and feel it, I promise)! Abby has excellent advice but I did not know how to detach with love at all for the longest time. I did not know anything about anything and it just takes practice and attending those meetings over and over. We have lots of old wiring and attending those meetings is like re-wiring ourselves in a new and better way but it takes a lot of time and repetition. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there. Jean
Joanlee, Detaching with love is the goal...that doesn't mean that you have it now, so don't stress about it....just detach. That means not sitting around and watching him swirl around the toilet. You have choices. He has choices. At this point you don't want to watch. So go away. Take that vacation. Go with the girls or go alone. Join an escorted tour to somewhere. Do not go with a drunk driving the car. I had that same problem. I went on escorted tours....to Europe once and Mexico once. I had lots of fun with others on the trip during the day and then went back to my room at night. If we went places, we went in two cars. My choice. I started volunteering so I was out of the house and with some healthier people. Get some space between you. Mary
Joanlee, some people manage detachment with love while staying with their alcoholic, and some find that they need to detach physically and separate from their alcoholic. There is no one way. So what I'm saying is that if you find living with his drinking impossible, it's okay to leave. There is no extra reward for staying with someone when you're miserable and there's no end to it.
If you choose to stay, there must be something in it for you. So the thing would be to determine what that is. Some people stay because they're afraid to go out on their own. Some people stay because there are positives to the relationship, and they can detach enough to appreciate the positives without being dragged down by the negatives. What your situation is exactly is something you may want to explore more deeply.
It's hard. My own story is that I stayed because I thought things would get better, and when they never did, I stayed because I was afraid I couldn't handle being on my own. Actually being on my own turned out to be much more peaceful than I thought. It's not as good as I hoped the relationship would be; but it's much better than the relationship was.
Do keep coming back, learning more, and taking care of yourself.
Aloha Joanlee...If you need a higher power and will let the American Medical Association be that higher power just for the definition of alcoholism as a disease then go to their e-site and look up alcoholism or any of the other higher powered sites.
There are bunches of MIP family members who work and live detachment. At one time we didn't know what that mean't and how to do it but we learned and practiced and practice some more. Today we know the difference between can't work it and won't work it. If you go with the idea that the alcoholic has a life threatening compulsion for alcohol and will use it even when they don't want to (addiction) then you can also grab onto the idea that we are addicted to them and we are cause even when we don't like being messed with in their lives and don't like messing with their lives we don't stop...(addiction to the sick person). Detachment for me is an artform. I am no longer married to an alcoholic and I still have to use detachment with my current spouse and others as they have to with me at times also.
Love in any form and use for me today is HP love...Complete and total acceptance of "every other" person for exactly who they are. What it looks like to me is the absense of fear. I cannot love what I fear and don't fear what I love and that's just how my program has evolved wrapped in love.
What if really key to getting what it is that I want the way I want it at a time that I want to have it is self focus. What is my life like and what is my part in it. If I hear myself telling others that someone else is the reason I am feeling, thinking, acting and motivated the way I am at that time I've gotta look as why I've backed out of working my own life. I can only work this life one day at a time so the program has taught me and about 10 hours of that time I'm preparing for sleep or getting up. I've got 14 hours to live as life like I want to...sane and serene and snuggled inside of the mind, will and palms of my HP. My blame list is very short and usually has only one variation of three things I call myself...me, myself and i (small for a reason).
I so appreciate everyone's comments. There have been times when I've wanted to leave, but have nowhere to go. Both of us are unemployed, and bought our home at the top of the market, so have a substantial mortgage, along with the usual bills. I don't see how it's feasible at this point. I have heard of so many people who would like to divorce, but can't because of the economy.
