The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I loved an alcoholic who I knew for over 30 years and was married to for 12 of those years. He severly abused alcohol for 15-20 years. I moved back home 10 years ago, back to Northern California from Lexington KY. I left because My ex husband, Ray's parting words to me was that he "wasn't going to stop drinking." The last couple of years of our lives together were rough to say the least. The sad living conditions opened doors to Alanon and AA to further my understanding of what MY next step should be. At that point I completely understood the AA concept of letting go and letting God. I had to save myself without allowing guilt to enter my program. I loved myself enough to save ME from subjecting myself to continued suffering and emotional decline. In short I simply could not stay and watch someone whom I loved and cared for die a slow, painful, horrible death at the hands of Tequila straight out of the bottle.
The Tequila won. Ray passed away at the age of 54 last week. He will be laid to rest tomorrow. He lost the battle but made a desperate grasp for life too late. He received a liver transplant that eventually failed. Three years ago he found sobriety out of desperate need to save his life. He could not receive a liver transplant unless he was absolutely sober. Sadly he quit drinking too late. What is even sadder to me is that he was a VERY giving person, had a huge heart and would do anything for anybody within his power. He gave to others of himself as much as he could.
In retrospect I now understand that Ray's real problem was that he didn't love himself, at least not enough. Am I wrong to think that is the foundation to any addiction program? To love oneself enough? Isn't that really the FIRST step? Loving yourself enough to take that first step to sobriety. To have that personal and special something it takes to allow addicts to no longer deny that they need to let go and work a program if they want to live. The real tragedy in all of this is realizing what a stronghold addiction has on people. RIP Raymond. You leave behind a wife, 2 step sons, a Mother, Father, 2 sisters, a brother and many friends who love you. So many of us are left with "why?"... because we surely know how this happened to you. God's speed to a much better place....Amen.
The real tragedy in all of this is realizing what a stronghold addiction has on people.
Soooo true!
I witnessed the power of this disease firsthand watching my A mother return to drinking after repeated hospitalizations, knowing that alcohol was killing her. Seeing her lie in the ICU bed so wasted and frail, just skin on a skeleton, with 7 IVs running into her, telling me that she "would have to be good (quit drinking) now".
I'm so sorry for your loss, O4L.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
thank you for your post. It reminds me that there are three choices with this disease: death, insanity or recovery. Today you and I choose recovery. We love ourselves and have the courage enough to make this choice, one day at a time. My best thoughts and prayers are with you. Jean
Aloha Onelife...The disease has been called cunning, powerful and baffling for longer than I can remember. I am a double...a member of Al-Anon and also AA. I understand and I understand your statement that Ray didn't love himself which made me search my experiences regarding love with and or without alcoholism. I am also a former Alcoholism and substance abuse behavioral health counselor that worked on many levels within it. One of the several very important things I found out is that the core emotion which drives the disease is fear and where fear exists love cannot. Alcoholics have the ability, facility and time to be kind and giving and supportive and often times that isn't what it seems like. Lots of times it is a survival skill, I give to you so that you can feel good and feel good about myself so that I can feel good about myself even when there is a large (alcoholic) part of myself that I hate. Insanity. Alcoholics are Children of God with a life threatening disease which leaves them feeling unworthy and afraid (what will happen to me if I try to quit? What will I have that can replace this and leave me feeling normal?)
Since you are a dual member I believe you understand or can understand from his level where some others cannot. Alcohol has hooks and those hooks have barbs. The hooks hurt going in and when you try to take them out it often times hurts worse and then there is the fear of the pain and loss of the security that comes from habit.
My wish for Ray is that in the three years he was separated from alcohol he found a power greater than it. That is how it came out for me...substitution of powers. If the family after has the need and determination, the honesty and the willingness to come before those with the Experience, Strength and Hope and sit down with their questions and listen deeply...they will find help and maybe the most that you can do, which I find exist within the will of HP is to let them hear your story and suggest that they do what you did or else not find closure and continue to ask why.
I am so grateful you found the front door to MIP and came in and shared your own ESH. The topic of your post is attractive and a reality in recovery. Your recovery experience worked, you are still standing, intact and sane and your post is serene. I could only guess that you are working the program inspite of the Ray in your life.
Keep coming back. You've got a lot to share with those who pop in here frightened, confused, angry, sad and depressed. (((((hugs)))))
Ray's funeral was in Kentucky, I live in Northern California so I could not attend given how quickly he was taken in the end. I decided that even if I were able to fly back there to offer my condolences and to say my final goodbye, his family would not be kind to me. Rather than make anybody uncomfortable and out of respect for Raymond and his family I concluded that I will find closure in a way that remains private and personal for me. My closure is afterall about what the two of us shared, our time together and the memories that we made together. I don't want to be subjected to unnecessary anger and hatefulness during my goodbyes... as if that isn't sad enough.
I'm so bothered by something though and it has been churning inside of me since I received news of Ray's passing. I feel as though his family is hateful toward me because of their own denial and failure to express to Ray while he was alive how much they loved him and how much they would have liked to see him seek help for his alcoholism. That was a lot of the undoing between his family and me. I stood up and said "no more" when they continued to be codependents to his disease. To give you an idea of the stresses encountered while I was doing everything I knew to gather family in a united front, an intervention is what I was striving for because I loved Raymond very much and wanted him to LIVE! Instead of support from them, the last Christmas we all spent together somebody in his family, can't remember which family member it was, but Ray opened this Christmas gift and inside was a huge, top shelf quality bottle of TEQUILA!! I was so shocked and humiliated because it seemed to be just one more wedge they were intentionally driving between us. One more nail in his coffin. I mean how disrespectful was that?
To end this post.. to show who ever is reading this how we never stop learning about this disease. Ten years after Raymond and I parted ways I'm still learning. It is crystal clear to me now that Ray's family did not and does not want me anywhere in their lives I'm pretty sure because I only serve as a reminder of their own failures and probably would only serve to fill them with guilt. Had they only listened to me? The one they drove away because I was somehow perceived as a threat to them. I might just cause them to look inside themselves and take a look at what part they played in Raymond's untimely death. I suppose I will never really know what trauma/emotions Raymond was numbing or trying to numb under all that Tequila. We will probably never know now but in his honor I will continue to learn, to consult my HP and to share with others in a healing way to make up for some of the misery that so many suffer at the hands of this dreadful disease. Thank you for allowing me to decompress. Ray's Mother was hateful because I posted the following in his memorial guest book. "Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains. May the peace which comes from the memories of love shared, comfort you now and in the days ahead. Words seem inadequate to express the sadness we feel. Please accept our deepest sympathy and heartfelt condolences". I just feel as though I did the best I could in being loving, caring and kind. Kind of knocked down for trying to do the right thing. I know... now is as good a time as any to "let go and let god"...
