The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you.......your post to "dating a recoverying alcoholic" brightened my day today, came on feel fed up and down and you made me really laugh. By the way totally agree with you.
How many of us wish that we had a true friend like Dori in our lives to tell us like it was BEFORE we married our alcoholics?
Think of all of the heartache we would have been spared...not only to us, but our CHILDREN as well. That is worse as they are innocent victims, they did not ask to be born into an alcoholic marriage and they must suffer from our bad choices. Who would willingly chose a dangerously sick person to be their child's father? Someone not only sick but who we know for a fact is going to get sicker? I don't mean to sound cynical, but statistics for long term sobreity are not very good, and getting worse all of the time as this world develops more and more problems. I know most people are not already thinking of having children whent they start dating, but it often happens eventually...
I used to think that if my husband would only go to AA life would be great...until I read how many of you have loved ones who go to AA and then promptly relapse. And, to think that Dori's husband found a girlfriend at AA and cheated on her with her...that would be my husband too, I know it. How he would LOVE to find someone who "understands" him. Of course I "don't" since I don't drink. He would love to find a fellow alcoholic. He just is so messed up from so many years of alcoholism that he already goes on and on about how he wishes he would not have married me, he says it bothers him to think about how he "wasted" so many of his productive years with me when he could have been doing some kind of meaningful volunteer work...yeah...right...why wasn't he doing this when I met him? Oh well, back to the subject at hand...
Alcoholism is a chronic condition, a never ending struggle, and many times it still wins in the end. I can't imagine how anyone would willingly enter into a relationship with someone who has alcoholism. Just like most people I know don't go to mental hospitals looking for dates. Most healthy people don't enter into a realtionship wtih chronically sick people on purpose. Of course someone you ALREADY love may develop alcoholism, or cancer, or mental illness, or whatever life throws at you, and you would have to find a way to deal with it, but I can't imagine deciding to start a relationship with someone who was this ill.
My husband has been drinking so much and for so long I can see his mental deterioration. I don't care if he got sober, he will always be nuts in my opinion. He went a year without drinking, as a dry drunk, and he truly lost his mind. He was crazier than ever. My therapist, who knows him says he will probably never be the same, never really mentally healthy even IF he got sober and got treatment. Too many brain cells have already been destroyed. His advice to me was to "run away screaming" and we are married and have a child, AND my therapist happens to be an ordained minister...
So, what do you think his advice would be to someone wanting to enter into a relationship with an alcoholic on purpose? I think dori put it nicely...
What advice would any of us, who have lived with alcoholism, give our own grown daughters about dating an alcoholic? I know what I would say...
RUN AWAY SCREAMING!!!!!
I can show no less concern for someone else's daughter...
I have too agree too. Even though we are not supposed to give advice, I have often bit my tongue when someone comes here or in chat and is newly involved with an a. I think to myself "Run! Run for your life, your sanity"
There may be someone here that would choose this rocky road, but my guess is 99.9.% of the people that come to Alanon, broken, hanging on to their last thread of sanity would never sign up for what can be years of misery.
If I had it to do over again....NO FRIGGIN WAY!! I don't know that I would have listened if someone told me to run. But I sure wish someone would have tried.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Dori, I agree with you too. You have heard me say just what you said several times. Please do not be offended by different opinions from you own, or even how they are stated. The problem with a message board like this is that we cannot see the reaction on anyone's face; all we see are the printed words, and sometimes we might misunderstand another's intentions. You will doing yourself a disservice by leaving, and you'll be missed.
All the very best wishes to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
When I first posted here, you yelled at me to pull my head out and I truly appreciated it!!!! I am so serious, I was not offended by it. You have been through so much and it sounds like you are hurting and I admire your courage to go on with your program. I don't know if I could do it. So please I hope you don't go, I like your posts, very honest!!! But if you decide to I wish you the best of luck.
I read that first post (asking for advice) and before I scrolled down to see your first reply I said out loud RUN. When I saw yours, I laughed out loud in my empty room. Go girl!!
